Harold

Jesus came to visit me yesterday. Actually he didn't want to see me, he just wanted to see my appartment. The thing of it is I'm moving, I'm going to live in a big house with a woman.

Anyway, Jesus seemed like a happy chap, laughing and joking, he brought his girlfriend, Elisabeth. She seemed nice too. They were both very laughing and jokey types, a bit annoying actually. I can see why they nailed him to a cross last time, annoying fucker, no one can be that happy all the time, it just gets on your tits. He thought the flat would be rented out furnished, I was flattered but I had to disappoint him. Elisabeth asked if he could buy some of the furniture, I was even more flattered, it's not often women offer me money for furniture.

That was all true, a fella called Jesus really did come around and his girlfriend is called Elisabeth, but now I'm going to make some stuff up for entertainment purposes.

So I said to Jesus "Is your middle name really Harold? Doesn't seem very Jewish", he said "No it's not and anyway what kind of a dumbass name is Joliet Jake?" I said "It's from the Blues Brothers you muppet, as in Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues"

JC: Muppet? You can't call me a muppet, I am impotent
JJ: I think you mean omnipotent
JC: I don't like you
JJ: What are you going to do? Tell your dad?
JC: What if I do? You won't be laughing then
JJ: Is it true you were shagging Mary Magdelene the hooker
JC: She was not a hooker! She was a decent girl and she was my disciple
Elisabeth: You were with a hooker?!
JC: She was not a hooker! don't listen to him
JJ: So what Harold, you shagged a hooker, admit it, be a man, "confess"
JC: I didn't shag a hooker! I mean she wasn't a hooker and stop calling me Harold
JJ: I'll stop calling you Harold if you admit Mary was a prozzie and you porked her
JC: You are one annoying motherf*cker has anyone told you that?!
JJ: One or two people have mentioned it Harold
JC: Stop it! :(
JJ: Did you shag her?
JC: Ok, Ok, she was a hooker and I shagged her and she had my baby and James was my twin brother and I am the legitimate King of Isreal descended from David and not the son of a poor carpenter, ok? Happy now
JJ: Yeeeeh I thought as much
Elisabeth: What? You slept with a hooker?
JC: For f*ck's sake woman, didn't you hear what I just said? I'm the legitimate King of Isreal!
Elisabeth: I can't believe you were unfaithful to me
JC: That was two thousand years ago you cloth eared bint!
JJ: Oh, I know that line it's from Fawlty Towers
JC: Yeh, I love that but they're not showing them anymore
JJ: I've got the whole set on DVD, you can watch some if you want
JC: Really? don't you mind?
JJ: No, I had nothing planned and I haven't seen them for ages, I'll put the kettle on
JC: Excellent, have you got any biscuits?
JJ: I've only got Jacob's Cream Crackers :)
JC: Oh very bleedin' funny
Elisabeth: I don't believe this, I find out you've been shagging a tart and now you're just going to watch telly? :/
JJ: Get over it love, you're just making a fool of yourself now
Elisabeth: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? :/
JC: Sorry Bet, you know how I like Fawlty Towers I'm stuck between two stools here
Elisabeth: It's a rock and a hard place, you really are a muppet Harold, I'm going home
JJ: I'll walk you out. If you decide to 'knock it on the head' with JC, pop round, you know where I live now ;)
Elisabeth: You are a scoundrel JJ. When are you moving?
JJ: two weeks
Elisabeth: How about wednesday then?
JJ: Nah, that's badminton night :(
Elisabeth: Thursday?
JJ: I'm starting my drumming lessons on Thursday
Elisabeth: Friday then? is Friday ok? :|
JJ: Yeh alright, see you then :x
Elisabeth: :x

I went back inside and sat down

JC: aren't you forgetting something?
JJ: what?
JC: tea? biscuits?
JJ: Oh, yeh

couple of minutes later

JJ: that's better, we can watch a couple of episodes now
JC: you were hitting on my girlfriend isn't it? :|
JJ: yeh, do you mind? :}
JC: I do actually but I think she'll dump me anyway after you spilled the Mary thing
JJ: Sorry about that, I was just curious after all that Holy Blood and Holy Grail stuff
JC: it's ok, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)
JJ: :D good one, fishing is a biblical thing right?
JC: yeeh, fishing, baking, carpentry, wine-making it's all in there
JJ: how did you feed those five thousand people with five loaves and fish?
JC: easy, you just have to slice it very thin
JJ: so it was just a cheap trick?
JC: well that's a bit harsh, in those days we pulled a lot of stunts, it was what people wanted
JJ: walking on water?
JC: walking on turtles, they were on marijuana to stop them moving too much
JJ: raising the dead?
JC: Lazarus? he wasn't dead, he was a paid actor
JJ: that's pretty mercenary
JC: what was I supposed to do? Pony card tricks might work for Paul Daniels but no one believes he is the son of God do they?
JJ: what about the second coming then? Armageddon and all that? :?
JC: Yeeh, that's what I'm supposed to be doing now but I just haven't got round to it yet, moving house is a stressful do
JJ: when are you going to do it then?
JC: dunno yet, I might not do it, it's hard work organising an Armageddon. Earth is different now, when we said all that stuff in Revelations there were only half a million people on the planet, there are over six billion now, there's too many
JJ: there are too many
JC: what? :o
JJ: it's not "there's too many people" it's "there are too many people"
JC: what-evver! :/
JJ: so what are you going to do then if you don't have Armageddon :|
JC: I've applied for a job in the European Commission
JJ: which DG?
JC: well, fish obviously
JJ: again with the fish? don't you fancy a change?
JC: what else can I do? Transport? Admin?
JJ: why not Admin? anyone can do that
JC: I'll think about it
JJ: Don't you want to go back to Isreal?
JC: Naaah, been there done that
JJ: what about your people? they're waiting for you
JC: they don't need me, they've got Tony Blair now, :D
JJ: yeeh good one, Tony Blair. Have you heard the Jackson Five are getting back together?
JC: Yeeh, what a joke, it was cute when Michael was five years old, they'll just look like a bunch of old freaks now :|
JJ: not a fan then?
JC: nah, Motown isn't really my scene, I'm into Elvis and Sinatra
JJ: How are they?
JC: they're good, they just did a record together, Sinatra plays the Djembe now as well :)
JJ: Jesus, everyone's playing Djembe now. Don't tell me he learned it on holiday in Africa
JC: well, we don't have African holidays in heaven but yes, something like that. Errmm, would you mind not taking my name in vain like that
JJ: Oh sorry, force of habit
JC: You are forgiven
JJ: Jesus you're serious about that shit :\
JC: don't push it :/
JJ: sorry again, I am a heathen after all, or is gentile?
JC: I thinks it's the same, but I don't have to forgive you know, I can still smite you :/
JJ: I don't even know what that means
JC: nor do I actually, but I'm pretty sure dad knows, old people love all that
JJ: I don't talk to my dad since he and mom broke up
JC: I know
JJ: smartarse, you don't know everything :/
JC: test me
JJ: What was on the flipside of the first Lawnmower Death album?
JC: Metal Duck
JJ: oh piss off wiseguy!
JC: I think I will anyway, thanks for the tea and the Fawlty Towers. I should get over to Bet's place and see if she's ok
JJ: say hi from me ;/
JC: you really want to incur some wrath don't you?
JJ: bring it on big boy
JC: Oh shut up, I'm going
JJ: see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
JC: goodbye. (silly twat)
JJ: I heard that! :/

Hmmmm.... I could've asked him the lottery numbers, bugger it! :/

JJ

Syndromaphobia

Now that we've discovered some people are no longer able to differentiate thirst from hunger we can say we havea major new syndrome / disorder in the works. This one will excuse fat people from being fat. It's only fair because lazy people can claim SAD in winter (like me, I claim it all year round because I live in Belgium) and people who are just uninterested, disruptive and annoying have all manner of hyper-activity disorders to claim.

We'll call it Thirst Incapacity Topsyturviness, like all good psychobabble the name doesn't actually mean anything – it's a double negative. In the old days "topsyturviness" was a proper medical term, even before "medicine" was a medical term.

Only things with catchy headline-able names are getting anywhere today, like SAD and Credit Crunch. I really object to the term Credit Crunch, that makes it sound like an outside factor, like an earthquake or hurricane. What we should call it is "the banks and governments ripped us off again, bastards".

What I also really object to is the objectifying nature of disorders and syndromes. I've had Trauma Therapy and I'm convinced I'd still be doing it if I just kept turning up every week, but I didn't. I decided the therapist had done a good job and it was time to get on with my life, otherwise I would have become addicted to therapy. You can actually get treatment for being addicted to therapy, obviously.

But the problem now is I have an aversion to syndromes, disorders and phobias. I've turned into one of those people that tells manic depressives to "pull yourself together" or pushes claustrophics into elevators "face your fear, defeat it once and for all".

I'm a Syndrome-ist, or Anti-Disorder-er, I don't what I am but I'm pretty sure I've got Syndromaphobia. I'm completely snookered, it's the nature of the illness that I can't seek help or admit to having it. I deny the existance of all Syndromes, Disorders and Phobias, incluing this one. I shouldn't even be writing this, especially if there's a risk a hypochondriac my read it, then he'd get it and he wouldn't be able to get treatment either. We can't even form a self help group.

Once this get's out it's going to be worse than the obesity epidemic. I narrowly avoied that one.

Jeeese Louise have you seen what's on tv....they're not shy are they?

JJ

Streeps Ahead

Gwyneth Paltrow is the new Meryl Streep. Well, she will be in about 15 years. I saw Meryl in Mamma Mia, the movie of the musical, it's an entertaining movie, probably one that will re-appear on public holidays and I'll watch it again because "there's nothing else on", it was that good.

But the great thing was seeing actors like Meryl and Julie Walters putting in these really good performances and proving that you don't have to be a thirty-something-boob-job to make non-porn movies as a woman. We already knew that about Meryl, but looking around at the "next crop" I'd say Gwyneth is going the right way about it, she's smart. But then, when the opposition is Jennifer Anniston - you don't need to be brain surgeon. I'd defy anyone to dispute that the ex-cast of Friends have really taken down the batting averages for movie quality.

I'm sure I've seen four or five movies with ex-Friends but I can't remember any of them except the one with Harrison Ford (and Jennifer), because Harrison was in it. Actually, has "Joey" made any films? I know he made a really shit spin-off sit-com.

My life is a bit like a sitcom, this morning I went to the dog track and bet a pony on a muppet, I was telling Shuey about it when he told me Bownsey has a half share in wippet, which is what I should have been betting on, so I asked him who has the other half and he said "Chandler from Friends". then we did a whole bit about the person owning the front half collecting all of the winnings but the other guy owns the dogs bollocks.

Then I quit my job as a ploy to get a raise but my boss accepted my resignation so I ended up begging for my job back at a reduced salary but when he stood up it turned out he was wearing stockings and suspenders so he was sent to the nuthouse and I got a promotion to his job plus the regional manager who gave me the promotion insisted that I have sex with her.

Then I had lunch with the "Fan Man", turns out he got a job installing air conditioning. After that stunt at the super bowl he was inundated with offers from fan related businesses, the funny thing is he knows nothing about fans, his friend Colin Dooley hooked him up with the "Fan Man" fan and now Colin has put a contract out on Fan Man because he thinks he should've had that job.

Obviously I had to say I haven't seen Colin in years, which is true, I haven't seen him since we were hanging around with those Japanese exchange students in Sheffield. That was the summer of '91, wild times.

After lunch I was on my way to the office when I bumped into that guy from the movie with all the aliens that jump up and down and go "yak yak, yak yak yak, yak yak". I said "hey you're the guy from that movie" he said "hey you're the guy from the street". Funny guy, wish I could remember his fucking name. Then I remembered "you're Chandler from Friends", turns out he wasn't in the alien movie at all and he wasn't very funny either, he was quite angry that people see him as an buffoon. Well, he's not helping the situation.

After that encounter I was on a bit of a downer so I went home but I ended up at my old flat which I had moved out of the week before but there was a really hot chick living there who insisted I have sex with her and it slipped out that she was my boss's daughter so I withdrew politely and ran. Then I panicked and told the regional boss I was quitting and she gave me a raise, and a blow job.

x-rated comedy, that's where it's at kids.

JJ

iFreedom

iFreedom, iLiberty, iJustice, iAmerica, iWorld

Why i?

Why i man

And no, thats not a question. You don't want principles you want iPrinciples, good things you can talk about but you don't really do. In iWorld, theres someone else to fix everything, leave your gender outside the door, no colours here we're all beige and proud and there's definately No Smoking. There is iSmoking however, that's when you get a avatar who smokes and you email your friends to tell them you're iSmoking in the iOffice and for some unfathomable reason they think it's cool. If i did that my friends would call me an iIdiot, they'd be right.

When did people become so unimaginative and dull? Political Correctness has something to do with it, the rest you can blame on iMac. i've used an apple mac, it's the computer equivalent of an electric car, it has all the appeal of celery flavoured condoms, i imagine. iPod is the same, filthy proprietary protocols. i hate celery. i was given and iPod nano when they were new, i used it for about thirty seconds and gave it away.

You'll never guess who i bumped into in Quick;

JJ: Hey George W, what's up? Hungry?
GB: Haven't you heard? I'm looking for job
JJ: Oh that! it's not yet George W, you're supposed to keep working until January
GB: What?
JJ: Yeh, he has to be sworn in and organise his movers and decoraters yet, there's ages
GB: So I should be at work now?
JJ: Correct, I can give you a lift to the metro
GB: Thank's man, a man needs good friends like you at a time like this
JJ: steady on George, this is strictly business, I'm an advisor it's not the same. Anyway, lets grab a burger I'm hungry

Barack O walks by carrying a bin bag

JJ: Hey Barack, what's up? We're going to have a burger
BO: Tell it to the man dude, I'm outta here, I've quit
JJ: Good for you, where you off to?
BO: Go home, pack my shit and catch the next flight to D.C.
GB: Hey B.O., good job
BO: George W
JJ: Bazza, can you do me favour?
BO: Sure, shoot
JJ: Can you get them to put KFC in Belgium? i'm suffering here man, Hector's Chicken is like iKFC, fucking awful.
BO: I fully sympathise brother. Hey George W, do we own Belgium?
GB: Ermmm...that's in Africa right?
JJ: You idiot, this is Belgium, right here, you're sitting on it
GB: No, no, no, this is Brussels, iKnow
OB: You know jack George W. No sweat JJ, I'll check with old Joey B, he knows about foriegn policy
JJ: Thanks man, I owe you one
GB: I don't know Jack, who's Jack?
JJ: forget it Georgie boy, I'll run you to the metro I've got things to do
GB: What are you doing? I thought we could hang out
JJ: I'm going to Brico to get an electric screwdriver, you have to get to work remember?

But coming back the the original whatsname, sometimes i do get the feeling the world is turning into an iWorld. There are no kids playing in the streets, everyone drives the same car, they look the same anyway. There's no opposition in government anymore, the are no Lefts or Rights it's all middle of the road dull; dull, dull, dull. David Cameron? what's that all about? he looks like a poster boy for Belkin Wireless Routers "solve all your wireless connection problems in one easy to use, maintenance free, future proof, sleek, stylish solution" nothing in IT fits that description, everyone knows that. (Apple Mac??! don't be a twat)

it's like Star Trek Next Generation, just once i would've liked to hear the captain say "can you all just shut the fuck up for five minutes, i'm getting a headache from you idiots, i have to do everything around here and it's pissing me off now!", be human. Even back when Next Generation started i was a big fan but i couldn't help thinking "is this how they see our future?" imagine a bunch of guys and two women in lycra suits drfiting through space for months on end, i know what i would've been doing but those guys didin't even try it on.

in the original Star Trek, old captain Kirk was getting into a fight over a woman almost every week. i can see him know with his bloodied nose and ripped shirt grabbing hold of that scantily clad "alien" woman.

That's the vision of the future i want.

JJ

Farts and Gripes

...or, to put it another way; Stars and Stripes, the land of the free, the home of Michael Jackson's monkey. A hundred million people are going to write kisses next to the one they love so that he can be in charge of everything for four years. It's a kind of gang bang St Valentines day.

Whoever wins it's a big responsibility but I'll tell you what, it's not going to be Obama, it's going to be McCain. I'm already having my Repbulican election dinner today, the chips are in the oven and the hot dogs are on the boil.

Here's the break down. Three months ago, Obama was twenty points clear, no one was taking bets any more. Now, having spent 600 million bucks and travelled to every square inch of the country, he's barely 5 points clear. 5 points is nothing in an opinion poll, they have a 3-5% error margin. It looks to me like Obama is hanging on by the skin of his teeth. This is exactly what happened last time out, George W was written off six months before the election, on the day he only needed to fiddle one state to claim the sash.

Sure McCain's going to have to fiddle one or maybe two states, but it won't be Florida this time. He'll win most states though, because of people. This happened in the UK once, the Conservatives at an all time low in popularity were facing defeat in the face so they gave up and put up a complete no-hoper, John Major. To this day even he can't believe he won. The interesting thing was, afterwards no one would admit to voting Conservative. Years later it transpired that Major was having an affair with the salmonella egg woman, ironic that he was in the circus before he joined politics - you could say he never really left.

People voted for a dullard rather than take a gamble on something new. That's Obama's whole campaign in the toilet, "Time for Change" or whatever the hell it is, he should be campaigning on "I promise to do nothing, you're safe with me". Bland faceless politicians are popular in conservative countries. Our politicians could rob us blind, which they regularly do, we would still put them right back up there rather than try to make a real change. (Side Note: The US and UK only have two real parties and they're both the same, there are other candidates but most voters are too scared of change)

Now I know you don't like the sound of this, I don't either, but sometimes grown up's do bad things and they're mean to each other, get over it. If Obama does win then I'll have got it all wrong but that won't stop me. This time next week I'll be predicting some other catastrophe or commenting some other baloney, god knows I'm not shooting for any prizes here.

So, Obama to lose, McCain to win, sure as I'm sitting here with a 1 kilo tub of Haribo liquorice all-sorts and a can of beer.

JJ