Here's how it's going to be, so get wise and listen to that voice in your head (it's you reading my blog). All these people driving about in their gas guzzling cars with three or four empty seats are going become pariahs. I don't mean the little fish with really sharp teeth. It's going the same way as smoking, being on your own in a car will become an anti-social thing, ie. only Belgians will want to do it. Cars will no longer be owned by individuals at all, they will be owned by groups.
The cars will drive themselves with speaking GPS gadgets, they'll pick up and drop off people and then park themselves somewhere out of the way. And the speaking gps will say things like "how was your day? I've had a fucking nightmare, the traffic on the outer ring was a right bastard and then I couldn't find a parking spot for love nor money".
In the future we will be able to have a nice walk in the park and not be harrased by ducks begging for bread and threatening us with tasers. We had a lovely duck breast dinner recently with some freinds, I laughed myself to sleep afterwards, "not so tough when you're under the grill eh donald? Ha hahaaa".
The cats have been playing on my car, they've left muddy footprints all over it. Well take note little feline Salman Rushdies, I've got a brand new Driver (it's a golf club) and I'm just waiting for the chance to use it. Is it just me or does anyone else think Salman Rushdie looks like he's been whacked in the face with a driver.
It's rather convenient isn't it that cats don't have finger prints, I'd have caught them by now. Do any animals have fingerprints? Dogs have nose prints, they should be made to carry ID cards if they don't have prints, that's Gordon Brown logic. ID Cards to fight terrorism, ID cards will stop the cats playing on my car.
Imagine if fish had fingerprints they would be fishfingerprints, it's rare we get the opportunity to stick words together like that in English. The Germans are fluent at it, the downside is of course that they have a very tiny vocabulary and small dictionaries. Saucepan is another one, was this really invented just to make Sauce? Was there a time in English history when people needed so much sauce that someone invented this pan especially and marketed it as mass consumer product? Imagine doing that now, invent a friedchickenpan and see how many people buy it. Actually people probably would buy it, they buy any old rubbish these days.
I get really annoyed when I'm a watching a cookery program and they have some top chef saying things like "this is such a good cut of meat all we need to do is simply pan fry it lightly and let the flavours come out on their own". I'm not watching your program to see you put a piece of chicken in a frying pan, I can already do that. Do something creative, teach me something and stop being a pretentious tosser. Imagine if I went to the executive board and said "the new corporate website is on Facebook, it's beauty is it's simplicity". They'd hand me my dick on a plate. Lightly pan fried probably, they have a very dry sense of humour.
Yep, the environment is here to stay. Unless we can pull out the whole thing and put in a new one (see New Scientist in August). If that happens, the new version should have less oxygen in the middle eastern area, calm them down a bit. And we could swap modern Texas with South Africa from the seventies just to see if anyone notices.
I have nothing against South Africans, it's comforting to know that if I ever need a drunken bigot with army training I know exactly where to find one. Same applies to Texas and any country with military service. Imagine how many Mexicans would be living in Texas if there was no oil there. I'll tell you what, there would'nt be any Mexicans living in Mexico that's for sure.
Yeeeeh.
JJ
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Hay-yelp!
According to Stephen Hawking's anthropomorphic principle the answer to the question "why are we here?" is "because we are here". As far as I understand it, he is saying that having evolved to the point we are at now, we are now able to ask such complex questions as "why are we here?". See? It's because we are here.
It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".
Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".
Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?
Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?
Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?
Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!
JJ
It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".
Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".
Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?
Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?
Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?
Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!
JJ
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
St Valentines Day Massace
Valentines day is in February, I don't know which date exactly but the BBC in their infinite wisdom have published this in October. For fear of appearing a nitwit by not understanding this logic, I have simply copied their idea and passed the dilemma on to you. Yes, specifically you, I knew you were going to read this because I have a brainwave scanner I nicked from the CIA, the only way you can stop me reading your thoughts is to cover you head in mayonnaise and baking foil.
BBC News 05 October 2008
Here's my happy marriage secret: avoid romance
By Jemima Lewis
"The good folk at Onepoll, an internet research company, has surveyed 4,000 self-proclaimed "happy couples" in order to unearth the secrets of wedded bliss.
To maintain marital harmony you will need: three romantic gestures a month, two romantic walks, two romantic gifts, three home-cooked romantic meals, one breakfast in bed, two dinner dates, seven cosy nights in, one night apart, one trip to the pub, one to the cinema and six "proper conversations".
You should also clean the entire house three times a month without being asked, and take two holidays a year, plus two short breaks and you should cuddle each other three times a day."
Speaking as a Brit (which I have the option of doing from time to time) I believe the survey company area a shower of buffoons. Although, I can imagine such a formula would work in Switzerland, Austria and another country I can't name for health reasons (it's begins with "G" and German people live there). Perhaps Finland too, maybe southern England and Wales, China, Pakistan, in fact most of the Muslim world (you have to multiply the recipe depending on how many wives you have, or divide it equally, it's up to you). Also, Russia and Baltic States.
Ok, everywhere but Northern England, India, Latin America and the New World (ex Canada).
Curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto (my Spanish neighbour) but live in dread of St. Valentines day, shouldn't it be the other way round? The expectation level has long been built up into something mere mortals simply cannot live up to. The solution is to build a level of romance throughout the year that leaves St. Valentines day as an unnecessary but pleasant distraction at best. And the chances of that happening are bugger all or next to bugger all for most people. What then? How do we avoid this annual massacre?
Some have taken an alternate extreme, carefully construct a relationship from day one devoid of all romantic gestures. Never buy flowers or chocolates, not even apology flowers or sorry chocolates. There is the risk of being dumped but either way, you're living in fear and that's the key to a long lasting relationship.
The solution of course, is to cancel St Valentines day, bear with me on this, let me finish. While we're at it we'll cancel all of these old fashioned "theme" holidays, Christmas, Easter, Ascension (I never quite know what I'm supposed to do on Ascension Day so I tend to just wander around in a daze), Armistice, Independence Day and so on. Instead we'll have a neutral public holiday on the first Monday of every month. Then you can decide what you want to do for yourself, have a roast turkey lunch, stuff your partner with chocolates or just wander around in a daze (it's not that funny, civil servants are paid to that, it's a serious career choice for people with limited skills). Also, four of the public holidays will be Car Free Days so you can wander about the streets on your rollerblades and fall over a lot.
As for all that cleaning the house without being asked, what if you have a cleaner who does that anyway? Bit pointless isn't it Jemima? I asked Girlfriend if she would like breakfast in bed once she "no, that's disgusting" and she'll go a pub once in a blue moon, if I made her go every month it would be curtains for me. Three home cooked romantic meals? You're asking me to cut down? Not helping. What exactly constitutes a "proper conversation" then? For her to fully express herself she'll have to speak German and I'd be speaking a mixture of Punjabi and English, that's a ridiculous idea, I ridicule that idea with "my spanish neighbour". I'm going to pour some scorn on that idea too and cover it with baking foil, just for good measure.
"self proclaimed happy couples" are full of crap, not one decent idea between 8,000 people, bloody useless, clear off the lot of you! Go on bugger off!
I'm sure they were doing these surveys ten years ago, I guess they'll still be doing them in ten years time, what's wrong with people? Can't you tell when your partner is horny? Look for the signs; dilated pupils, increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, knickers around ankles, yelping noises, is that so hard?
Ok that's me done, can you finish on your own? I've got an early start, thanks, goodnight.
JJ
BBC News 05 October 2008
Here's my happy marriage secret: avoid romance
By Jemima Lewis
"The good folk at Onepoll, an internet research company, has surveyed 4,000 self-proclaimed "happy couples" in order to unearth the secrets of wedded bliss.
To maintain marital harmony you will need: three romantic gestures a month, two romantic walks, two romantic gifts, three home-cooked romantic meals, one breakfast in bed, two dinner dates, seven cosy nights in, one night apart, one trip to the pub, one to the cinema and six "proper conversations".
You should also clean the entire house three times a month without being asked, and take two holidays a year, plus two short breaks and you should cuddle each other three times a day."
Speaking as a Brit (which I have the option of doing from time to time) I believe the survey company area a shower of buffoons. Although, I can imagine such a formula would work in Switzerland, Austria and another country I can't name for health reasons (it's begins with "G" and German people live there). Perhaps Finland too, maybe southern England and Wales, China, Pakistan, in fact most of the Muslim world (you have to multiply the recipe depending on how many wives you have, or divide it equally, it's up to you). Also, Russia and Baltic States.
Ok, everywhere but Northern England, India, Latin America and the New World (ex Canada).
Curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto (my Spanish neighbour) but live in dread of St. Valentines day, shouldn't it be the other way round? The expectation level has long been built up into something mere mortals simply cannot live up to. The solution is to build a level of romance throughout the year that leaves St. Valentines day as an unnecessary but pleasant distraction at best. And the chances of that happening are bugger all or next to bugger all for most people. What then? How do we avoid this annual massacre?
Some have taken an alternate extreme, carefully construct a relationship from day one devoid of all romantic gestures. Never buy flowers or chocolates, not even apology flowers or sorry chocolates. There is the risk of being dumped but either way, you're living in fear and that's the key to a long lasting relationship.
The solution of course, is to cancel St Valentines day, bear with me on this, let me finish. While we're at it we'll cancel all of these old fashioned "theme" holidays, Christmas, Easter, Ascension (I never quite know what I'm supposed to do on Ascension Day so I tend to just wander around in a daze), Armistice, Independence Day and so on. Instead we'll have a neutral public holiday on the first Monday of every month. Then you can decide what you want to do for yourself, have a roast turkey lunch, stuff your partner with chocolates or just wander around in a daze (it's not that funny, civil servants are paid to that, it's a serious career choice for people with limited skills). Also, four of the public holidays will be Car Free Days so you can wander about the streets on your rollerblades and fall over a lot.
As for all that cleaning the house without being asked, what if you have a cleaner who does that anyway? Bit pointless isn't it Jemima? I asked Girlfriend if she would like breakfast in bed once she "no, that's disgusting" and she'll go a pub once in a blue moon, if I made her go every month it would be curtains for me. Three home cooked romantic meals? You're asking me to cut down? Not helping. What exactly constitutes a "proper conversation" then? For her to fully express herself she'll have to speak German and I'd be speaking a mixture of Punjabi and English, that's a ridiculous idea, I ridicule that idea with "my spanish neighbour". I'm going to pour some scorn on that idea too and cover it with baking foil, just for good measure.
"self proclaimed happy couples" are full of crap, not one decent idea between 8,000 people, bloody useless, clear off the lot of you! Go on bugger off!
I'm sure they were doing these surveys ten years ago, I guess they'll still be doing them in ten years time, what's wrong with people? Can't you tell when your partner is horny? Look for the signs; dilated pupils, increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, knickers around ankles, yelping noises, is that so hard?
Ok that's me done, can you finish on your own? I've got an early start, thanks, goodnight.
JJ
Friday, 3 October 2008
Country File
Now that Russia have re-joined the war-mongering bastards business many countries will be able to sigh a huge sigh of relief. The US will be distracted from their current monoply on the attacking smaller countries business and there will be more competition in the arms trade so really poor countries can get cheap weapons more easily.
Nickerless Sarkozy has backed his prime minister's suggestion to teach English to the great unwashed and it's about bloody time. They should start with all the good words like "shit, bollocks, piss" etc. get it out of the way so the students can concentrate. They'll need those words anyway if they're going to continue this mediation between Russia and America. That was a smart move by Stumpy, that gig will keep him firmly in the limelight.
Meanwhile the Georgian boss admittted he screwed up by trying to trick the world into ganging up on Russia, and Russia rightly whipped his ass. The Pakistan bosses are in completely over their heads, the army is running around like a bunch of Americans and the people are facing massive inflation. Once they get used to equating inflation with democracy they'll be happy to welcome the next military coup which is, you heard it here first, predicted for the third quarter of 2009.
Third quarter 2008 results from America are a disgrace, it seems the entire economy is built on the principle that if you lend money to people who can't afford to pay it back you can hit them with penalties continously, keep them in debt and get rich yourself. Incredibly, the British government are saying they will do something about the uncontrolled greed of the banks and we can trust them to take care of it, do they still believe our only source of news is their press releases? From here Gordon Bennett looks more and more like a starving poodle. Correction, that should be "Brown" and "Lap Dog".
Turkey is still optimistic of joining the EU, they sent their application in 1987. While they've been waiting a whole raft of Soviet Union countries have made the leap. I wonder what the problem is with Turkey, maybe they didn't fill in the forms properly, forms can be tricky like that. One time I was going to Australia I put the Date where I should have put Date of Birth, only the date had moved on one while we were in the air. The customs guy jumped on the chance; "were you really born yesterday?", he loved it, Australians are funny but that bloke was a fuckwit, I gifted him that opportunity. I bet something like that happened to Turkey's application to join the EU. Or maybe they didn't enclose two photo's for ID.
Northern Ireland have announced plans to abolish prescription charges, a measure that some less popular leaders could learn from - give them free drugs, yay. Irish banks have declared 100% guarantees for savers, in a move to stave off the global credit munchies. English banks replied "so, where they have branches in England it would make sense for the savers to move all the money to Irish banks. We're screwed, thanks Irish Government you bunch of bastards"
Uganda has re-declared independence, apparently there was a clerical error, technically it was still a British colony because someone forgot to send the pink copy back to sales ledger. The Queen could have had tons of free holidays there but it's too late now. A spokesman for the royal family said "Bugger!". Australian news reported an increase in the Queens expenses leading to speculation (by me) that Aussies will have another referendum and depose her majesty in the third quarter of 2009, if this credit gets any crunchier.
In the meantime India has reached an agreement in principle with France to buy nuclear reactor technology leading to the conclusion that building nuclear reactors for civil purposes is not a pre-requisite for making weapons. India has had nuclear weapons for some time. Now, will the Americans say to Iran and North Korea "you can build all the reactors you want because if you haven't got nuclear weapons already this won't help you"? No, that's not how international diplomacy works. They way international diplomacy works is like this "write me a list of every country that's got oil or a Chinese border and then wake up the army, oh and get someone to handle the PR", "I know there's a credit crunch, that's because we've lent money to everyone, there's no one left so we have to shake it all up and start again otherwise people will start saving instead of borrowing and then we can't get richer. Don't worry about the banks, the top people already have more than enough money to retire on, they'll ride this out comfortably. The poor people will lose their jobs but they're already poor so they don't really mind.". This is why Jesus turned over the money lenders tables. Banks are moneylenders, see?
Bangladesh claimed the record for the most flooded country in the world, the bosses were reported to have said "we don't even watch CNN anymore, it's fucking depressing. You like this suit? I got it from Armani shop, it's Italian". The tourism board of Port Stanley (Falkland Islands) reported a 150% increase in the first half of 2008 compared to 2007, they had ten visitors in all. A spokesman for the privy council said "we would have had more but Sheryl couldn't come because her sister's cat died". A spokescat for the cat council said "I don't believe you people, I've been waiting for years for someone to ask my opinion on global issues and you come to me with this? Fuck Sheryl, fuck Sheryl's sister and fuck Sheryl's sister's fucking cat! Now take your things and get the hell out of my house, dumb jackass motherfucker".
That's an angry cat.
Well, that concludes the international news this week, there's no sports or weather and there won't be any weather tomorrow either. Goodnight
JJ
Nickerless Sarkozy has backed his prime minister's suggestion to teach English to the great unwashed and it's about bloody time. They should start with all the good words like "shit, bollocks, piss" etc. get it out of the way so the students can concentrate. They'll need those words anyway if they're going to continue this mediation between Russia and America. That was a smart move by Stumpy, that gig will keep him firmly in the limelight.
Meanwhile the Georgian boss admittted he screwed up by trying to trick the world into ganging up on Russia, and Russia rightly whipped his ass. The Pakistan bosses are in completely over their heads, the army is running around like a bunch of Americans and the people are facing massive inflation. Once they get used to equating inflation with democracy they'll be happy to welcome the next military coup which is, you heard it here first, predicted for the third quarter of 2009.
Third quarter 2008 results from America are a disgrace, it seems the entire economy is built on the principle that if you lend money to people who can't afford to pay it back you can hit them with penalties continously, keep them in debt and get rich yourself. Incredibly, the British government are saying they will do something about the uncontrolled greed of the banks and we can trust them to take care of it, do they still believe our only source of news is their press releases? From here Gordon Bennett looks more and more like a starving poodle. Correction, that should be "Brown" and "Lap Dog".
Turkey is still optimistic of joining the EU, they sent their application in 1987. While they've been waiting a whole raft of Soviet Union countries have made the leap. I wonder what the problem is with Turkey, maybe they didn't fill in the forms properly, forms can be tricky like that. One time I was going to Australia I put the Date where I should have put Date of Birth, only the date had moved on one while we were in the air. The customs guy jumped on the chance; "were you really born yesterday?", he loved it, Australians are funny but that bloke was a fuckwit, I gifted him that opportunity. I bet something like that happened to Turkey's application to join the EU. Or maybe they didn't enclose two photo's for ID.
Northern Ireland have announced plans to abolish prescription charges, a measure that some less popular leaders could learn from - give them free drugs, yay. Irish banks have declared 100% guarantees for savers, in a move to stave off the global credit munchies. English banks replied "so, where they have branches in England it would make sense for the savers to move all the money to Irish banks. We're screwed, thanks Irish Government you bunch of bastards"
Uganda has re-declared independence, apparently there was a clerical error, technically it was still a British colony because someone forgot to send the pink copy back to sales ledger. The Queen could have had tons of free holidays there but it's too late now. A spokesman for the royal family said "Bugger!". Australian news reported an increase in the Queens expenses leading to speculation (by me) that Aussies will have another referendum and depose her majesty in the third quarter of 2009, if this credit gets any crunchier.
In the meantime India has reached an agreement in principle with France to buy nuclear reactor technology leading to the conclusion that building nuclear reactors for civil purposes is not a pre-requisite for making weapons. India has had nuclear weapons for some time. Now, will the Americans say to Iran and North Korea "you can build all the reactors you want because if you haven't got nuclear weapons already this won't help you"? No, that's not how international diplomacy works. They way international diplomacy works is like this "write me a list of every country that's got oil or a Chinese border and then wake up the army, oh and get someone to handle the PR", "I know there's a credit crunch, that's because we've lent money to everyone, there's no one left so we have to shake it all up and start again otherwise people will start saving instead of borrowing and then we can't get richer. Don't worry about the banks, the top people already have more than enough money to retire on, they'll ride this out comfortably. The poor people will lose their jobs but they're already poor so they don't really mind.". This is why Jesus turned over the money lenders tables. Banks are moneylenders, see?
Bangladesh claimed the record for the most flooded country in the world, the bosses were reported to have said "we don't even watch CNN anymore, it's fucking depressing. You like this suit? I got it from Armani shop, it's Italian". The tourism board of Port Stanley (Falkland Islands) reported a 150% increase in the first half of 2008 compared to 2007, they had ten visitors in all. A spokesman for the privy council said "we would have had more but Sheryl couldn't come because her sister's cat died". A spokescat for the cat council said "I don't believe you people, I've been waiting for years for someone to ask my opinion on global issues and you come to me with this? Fuck Sheryl, fuck Sheryl's sister and fuck Sheryl's sister's fucking cat! Now take your things and get the hell out of my house, dumb jackass motherfucker".
That's an angry cat.
Well, that concludes the international news this week, there's no sports or weather and there won't be any weather tomorrow either. Goodnight
JJ
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Human Beans
I'd given up blogging when I turned forty but that was the week before last and when I came home today I noticed a smell of Pot Noodle in the elevator and I thought "I could've wrote that on my blog", it was unusual because I don't normally take the elevator. I didn't really give up, I just let the last one ride because it was soooo long I thought some people might need more time to read it. Anyway, Human Beans:
How many Humans does it take to make a Bean? We all know that Beans are good but they're quite small, humans on the other hand are quite big but they're really not good at all. There probably isn't one species of plant or animal in existence that hasn't been killed and/or eaten by a Human. That includes about 80 million species of insects you've never heard of but I know that Chinese people are roasting those things on skewers for fast food. You can get a medium happy meal for two roast scorpion brochette in downtown Shanghai.
So, how many good people are there to make beans? Let's say out of all of us there's at least some vegetarians in India, and a handful of pacifists in Tibet (let's pretend Tibet still exists as a country, for Hollywood's sake) out of a combined population of a billion and something I reckon that leaves 750 million good guys. MacDonalds in Delhi doesn't sell beef but it still sells chicken and fish so who's eating that? There are not 1.1 billion vegetarians in India, some of them are lying and some are Muslim so they eat Halal meat. Ever tried to catch a Halal? It's as fast as a hairless cat covered in love jelly. It's no wonder the Muslims are so pissed off all the time and really hate vegetarian Indians and pork eating Americans.
Ok, a bean is is mostly protien and carbohydrate but the Human is 60% water so that leaves 300M humans, if you strip out the bone that leaves about 200M. At this stage we have to concede that hair, eyes, finger nails, anus, penis, clitoris, labia, testicles, nipples, brains and intestines (plus contents) are mostly protein and fat so we'll keep those because if we were making a burger we'd apply the same logic. So you take 300M dehydrated Indians, including a few Chinese, and you boil them until soft, fry them over a medium heat, mash them up, add seasoning and fry again. There you have it, (Refried) Human Beans.
Now all you have to do is reduce the entire animal kingdom to a huge kebab, which isn't really a stretch because who know's what that elephant-leg-on-a-rotating-skewer is made of anyway? Just put a couple of hundred of those together then get a statium of cats to spew up some guacamole and serve.
Tex Mex? Oh dear, someone's bean at the ZZ Top records again.
You know that brown-yellow liquid in your vomit? That's your DNA. That's how it was discovered, two nerds had a night on the piss. That's when all the best ideas come out.
Next week Sea Food; Sea Cucumber Sandwiches, Crab Nebula Salad and a huge fish finger made of lobster's juicy bits.
Have a good one.
JJ
How many Humans does it take to make a Bean? We all know that Beans are good but they're quite small, humans on the other hand are quite big but they're really not good at all. There probably isn't one species of plant or animal in existence that hasn't been killed and/or eaten by a Human. That includes about 80 million species of insects you've never heard of but I know that Chinese people are roasting those things on skewers for fast food. You can get a medium happy meal for two roast scorpion brochette in downtown Shanghai.
So, how many good people are there to make beans? Let's say out of all of us there's at least some vegetarians in India, and a handful of pacifists in Tibet (let's pretend Tibet still exists as a country, for Hollywood's sake) out of a combined population of a billion and something I reckon that leaves 750 million good guys. MacDonalds in Delhi doesn't sell beef but it still sells chicken and fish so who's eating that? There are not 1.1 billion vegetarians in India, some of them are lying and some are Muslim so they eat Halal meat. Ever tried to catch a Halal? It's as fast as a hairless cat covered in love jelly. It's no wonder the Muslims are so pissed off all the time and really hate vegetarian Indians and pork eating Americans.
Ok, a bean is is mostly protien and carbohydrate but the Human is 60% water so that leaves 300M humans, if you strip out the bone that leaves about 200M. At this stage we have to concede that hair, eyes, finger nails, anus, penis, clitoris, labia, testicles, nipples, brains and intestines (plus contents) are mostly protein and fat so we'll keep those because if we were making a burger we'd apply the same logic. So you take 300M dehydrated Indians, including a few Chinese, and you boil them until soft, fry them over a medium heat, mash them up, add seasoning and fry again. There you have it, (Refried) Human Beans.
Now all you have to do is reduce the entire animal kingdom to a huge kebab, which isn't really a stretch because who know's what that elephant-leg-on-a-rotating-skewer is made of anyway? Just put a couple of hundred of those together then get a statium of cats to spew up some guacamole and serve.
Tex Mex? Oh dear, someone's bean at the ZZ Top records again.
You know that brown-yellow liquid in your vomit? That's your DNA. That's how it was discovered, two nerds had a night on the piss. That's when all the best ideas come out.
Next week Sea Food; Sea Cucumber Sandwiches, Crab Nebula Salad and a huge fish finger made of lobster's juicy bits.
Have a good one.
JJ
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