One day, a long time ago...
I’d just moved into the area and I was chatting to this girl I’d met, like you do. I asked her about the local gym I was thinking of joining, she advised not to, in her opinion the showers weren’t very clean. I agreed to give it a wide berth but secretly I was thinking it’s probably ok by mens hygiene standards and well, it’s close by.
The next morning when I went for a shower before breakfast and I couldn’t help but notice a huge kitty litter tray in her bathroom. I understood the situation, certain people who keep animals have a distorted (knackered) sense of hygiene. Just like parents who don’t realise their kids are disturbing everyone within a 32 mile radius. Distorted sense of volume.
“Oh, is that a hair in your soup? Just pick it out, it’s ok, cat’s are very clean animals”, “Well in that case why pick it out? I’ll just eat it, yum. Why are we having soup for breakfast?”, she says "You don't know me well enough to ask questions, just finish your soup and get out, I've got business to attend to". People say cats are clean animals but what they should be saying is “cats are relatively clean for an animal, at least they don't eat their own shit”. For example, if I crapped in a ditch and covered it up using my bare feet and hands would there be a problem? Couldn’t we just snuggle up in front of the tv and share a pizza?
Ever heard a cat object if you don’t clean the bowl out and put today’s dinner on top of yesterday’s leftovers? Only women will see something wrong with that scenario.
Cats eat spiders too, they eat them and throw up because spiders are mildly toxic for cats. As if that wouldn’t be a memorable enough experience the first time, the cat will repeat it many many times during it’s life, or indeed any given weekend. Thus proving that the cat, far from having superior intelligence is in fact the dumb blonde of the animal kingdom.
Example; how do you make a cat’s eyes shine? Point a torch in it’s ear. (adapted from one of those dumb blond joke websites)
So errmm, I don’t want a cat thanks, in fact I’m not really interested in anything that people advertise as “free to a good home”. Hardly a glowing endorsement is it?
I don't know about the 'e' at the end of blond(e) and the more I blog the less I'm inclined to check anything. It's not just me, there's an epidemic of people writing comments on blogs like "that sux cos u r gay" (that's your cue). It seems that after spending decades and millions developing huge computer systems to get people connected all over the world, the one thing most people have to say to each other, even people we've never met, is "u r such retrd & yr mom is the biggest ho". That was in response to a blog about the middle east conflict.
Onwards, the March of progress, I suspect that if aliens are really intercepting transmissions of Carry On Titswobble, they are wildly overestimating our intellect today.
JJ
Monday, 11 August 2008
Saturday, 2 August 2008
Hariy Gin Sling
A Hairy Gin Sling is special twist on a normal Gin Sling, it doesn't have lemon juice in it and instead of drinking from the glass you get a Goth to throw it across the table at you so that you can wear it home later. For the full effect you can get some in your eye, like I did - that's why it's especially important not to put lemon juice in it. It's called a Hairy because that's where it was invented, last night in the public house with a similar name.
It reminds me now of another incident, two or three years ago. I was in the Old Hack and I still had my nice suit on which I sometimes wear to work. We'll call that one the One Pint Hack, also invented by The Rarebit Muncher. "Hack" refers to the name of the bar, not vomitting, being vomitted on would provoke a slightly stronger response than a two year old blog post. The One Pint Hack involves clumsily reaching for your pint and knocking it into the lap of the person sitting next to you - in this example, me. This one also lends a new meaning to "Beer Nuts" which I'll leave to your imagination.
We've got two coffee machines on our floor in the office, the machines have three buttons, one for normal coffee, one for espresso and one for "jug". One machine has the Jug button at the top the other one has the normal coffee button at the top. So imagine trying to put a jug's worth of coffee into a small paper cup, it doesn't fit, I know all about it.
But that's enough about my drinking problems, here's a food related joke:
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins with "c" and ends with "t"?
A Coconut
Can someone explain that joke to me please?
Thanks y'all
JJ
It reminds me now of another incident, two or three years ago. I was in the Old Hack and I still had my nice suit on which I sometimes wear to work. We'll call that one the One Pint Hack, also invented by The Rarebit Muncher. "Hack" refers to the name of the bar, not vomitting, being vomitted on would provoke a slightly stronger response than a two year old blog post. The One Pint Hack involves clumsily reaching for your pint and knocking it into the lap of the person sitting next to you - in this example, me. This one also lends a new meaning to "Beer Nuts" which I'll leave to your imagination.
We've got two coffee machines on our floor in the office, the machines have three buttons, one for normal coffee, one for espresso and one for "jug". One machine has the Jug button at the top the other one has the normal coffee button at the top. So imagine trying to put a jug's worth of coffee into a small paper cup, it doesn't fit, I know all about it.
But that's enough about my drinking problems, here's a food related joke:
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins with "c" and ends with "t"?
A Coconut
Can someone explain that joke to me please?
Thanks y'all
JJ
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
The Evolution of (this) Man
I'm nearly quite old now so I thought it time to set a few things straight, for the record. Not so much a "last will", just a "testament", in case the Big Man gives me a red card before the game's properly finished. I always feel guilty about using sports analogies because I assume women don't understand them, so just this once I'll offer an alternative..."just a "testament", in case the batteries run out before the damn bursts". So, the record;
First of all, when I put a match to that cat I had no intention of burning it. I had singed my own hair and just wanted to see if it was the same for cats. I knew I wouldn't hurt the cat as long as I did it briefly and didn't touch it's skin, I learned that from singeing my own hair. The cat didn't know though, it ran like a bugger with a red hot poker up it's arse. I was four years old then and I was ready to start school, I felt I needed to learn by reading rather than experimentation.
Ok, that thing with the girl across the road when I was about six. Firstly, both of my brothers were there so it wasn't just me. Secondly, I had no idea why she wanted to show us her "pee pee", we ran when saw it though and I think that was a good instinct. I wish I'd stuck to that response a few more times over the years.
Oh, and I should confess that we killed her hamster with a rat-trap, that's not a metaphor. The rat-trap was in our house, they usually came from the grocer next door, the rats did. We didn't expect a hamster to cross the road, a chicken maybe. We didn't even know they had a hamster, we didn't know what a hamster looked like, Indian people don't keep hamsters. It was only when the older sister came around knocking on doors asking "has anyone seen our hamster?" we realised what had happened but the bloody rat had already been tossed over the back fence into the builders merchants yard, we just said "No, we haven't seen it". We shouldn't have laughed when she left but we were just kids, we didn't know any better. Anyway, dad set the traps and he was the one who tossed it over the fence, he really shouldn't have been laughing.
A few years later, mum caught me with some exotic literature in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to speak, but what I wanted to say was that it belonged to dad. I guess she figured it out because shortly afterwards the whole collection disappeared, I searched everywhere but they must have been banished from the house. Actually I'm not sure I need to confess this, I still don't see what's wrong with it.
There were a couple more things but I cut them because my posts are too long these days. So, that's my confession, I'm off to bed.
Good night.
JJ
First of all, when I put a match to that cat I had no intention of burning it. I had singed my own hair and just wanted to see if it was the same for cats. I knew I wouldn't hurt the cat as long as I did it briefly and didn't touch it's skin, I learned that from singeing my own hair. The cat didn't know though, it ran like a bugger with a red hot poker up it's arse. I was four years old then and I was ready to start school, I felt I needed to learn by reading rather than experimentation.
Ok, that thing with the girl across the road when I was about six. Firstly, both of my brothers were there so it wasn't just me. Secondly, I had no idea why she wanted to show us her "pee pee", we ran when saw it though and I think that was a good instinct. I wish I'd stuck to that response a few more times over the years.
Oh, and I should confess that we killed her hamster with a rat-trap, that's not a metaphor. The rat-trap was in our house, they usually came from the grocer next door, the rats did. We didn't expect a hamster to cross the road, a chicken maybe. We didn't even know they had a hamster, we didn't know what a hamster looked like, Indian people don't keep hamsters. It was only when the older sister came around knocking on doors asking "has anyone seen our hamster?" we realised what had happened but the bloody rat had already been tossed over the back fence into the builders merchants yard, we just said "No, we haven't seen it". We shouldn't have laughed when she left but we were just kids, we didn't know any better. Anyway, dad set the traps and he was the one who tossed it over the fence, he really shouldn't have been laughing.
A few years later, mum caught me with some exotic literature in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to speak, but what I wanted to say was that it belonged to dad. I guess she figured it out because shortly afterwards the whole collection disappeared, I searched everywhere but they must have been banished from the house. Actually I'm not sure I need to confess this, I still don't see what's wrong with it.
There were a couple more things but I cut them because my posts are too long these days. So, that's my confession, I'm off to bed.
Good night.
JJ
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Silly Season News
Medicine Man Whacko'd by Jacko
A pharmacist from Joliet, Illinois is suing Michael Jackson for alleged shrapnel injuries caused by the star's sneezing fit when he came looking for cold medicine. Early indications are that the defence will plead he should have recommended a nasal decongestant rather than an enema. Technically the remedy wasn't an enema but the Pop Star may have taken some of the pharmacists comments too literally.
Fast Eddy Smoke Trail
In the latest Tour de France cycling scandal it is alleged that five times winner "Fast" Eddy Merckx was smoking low tar cigarettes during some of the stages. The Belgian hero is known to have smoked forty a day when he was racing but cut back when he was on holiday. A spokesman for a major tobacco firm said "you see, the only reason I don't smoke is that I'm allergic to the glue they use on the papers. It's a common affliction on the executive board, it's quite ironic really." A spokesman for Belgium said "It's no coincidence we have no sports stars left since the smoking ban was introduced, the cigarette is our national dish. How would you expect the Welsh to compete globally if the EC banned cheese on toast?"
Turkey's Don't vote for Christmas
British Airways revealed plans to build a sixth runway. After all the controversy and logistical difficulties of the previous effort, a spokesman confirmed "we are building it because no one can stop us, we don't even need it". A government spokesman was unavailable for comment but one of his kids answered the phone and confirmed that the John Lewis list had survived a commons vote and he would indeed be using his researchers salary to pay for cocaine, some of which was for his parents.
The Short and Tall of it
The average height of the Japanese male increased by 15cm over the last thirty years owing to the excess of growth hormones in certain burger meats. Accorging to a senior source in the department for health "women aren't affected because the hormones react with oestrogen to form harmless water vapour which escapes into the air when they talk". The Japanese FDA said they were still investigating the possibility of other causes, like uneven milk distribution in primary schools. Which was also cited as a contributory factor in overweight men wearing nappies and pushing each other a lot.
Incredible Bulk
In a bizarre scientific experiment designed to counter the claims of "Supersize Me", another Joliet man went on a diet of Celery and Kiwi fruit for 30 days. He ate eight kilos a day and kept a video journal. After just eight days he is seen fighting with the greengrocer who refuses to serve him any more. After twenty days the man appears delirious and has a green tinge to his skin, he appears to have gained weight and become more aggressive. A spokesman for a burger chain said "science? so what? we've got the power of advertising on our side. People are stupid, until the burgers start cashing them down the street with guns we have nothing to fear". A spokesman for the NRA said "con-sarn it! I though this was the National Rivers Authority, o'course guns kill people y'jackass"
That's all for today. This news was brought to you by Budweiser, The King of Beers, another iconic Belgian brand.
JJ
PS All of the above is bollocks obviously but it's true that Belgian brewer Inbev has bought Budweiser this week, hilarious! I might buy an American bank, I heard Fanny Mae was feeling the pinch earlier.
A pharmacist from Joliet, Illinois is suing Michael Jackson for alleged shrapnel injuries caused by the star's sneezing fit when he came looking for cold medicine. Early indications are that the defence will plead he should have recommended a nasal decongestant rather than an enema. Technically the remedy wasn't an enema but the Pop Star may have taken some of the pharmacists comments too literally.
Fast Eddy Smoke Trail
In the latest Tour de France cycling scandal it is alleged that five times winner "Fast" Eddy Merckx was smoking low tar cigarettes during some of the stages. The Belgian hero is known to have smoked forty a day when he was racing but cut back when he was on holiday. A spokesman for a major tobacco firm said "you see, the only reason I don't smoke is that I'm allergic to the glue they use on the papers. It's a common affliction on the executive board, it's quite ironic really." A spokesman for Belgium said "It's no coincidence we have no sports stars left since the smoking ban was introduced, the cigarette is our national dish. How would you expect the Welsh to compete globally if the EC banned cheese on toast?"
Turkey's Don't vote for Christmas
British Airways revealed plans to build a sixth runway. After all the controversy and logistical difficulties of the previous effort, a spokesman confirmed "we are building it because no one can stop us, we don't even need it". A government spokesman was unavailable for comment but one of his kids answered the phone and confirmed that the John Lewis list had survived a commons vote and he would indeed be using his researchers salary to pay for cocaine, some of which was for his parents.
The Short and Tall of it
The average height of the Japanese male increased by 15cm over the last thirty years owing to the excess of growth hormones in certain burger meats. Accorging to a senior source in the department for health "women aren't affected because the hormones react with oestrogen to form harmless water vapour which escapes into the air when they talk". The Japanese FDA said they were still investigating the possibility of other causes, like uneven milk distribution in primary schools. Which was also cited as a contributory factor in overweight men wearing nappies and pushing each other a lot.
Incredible Bulk
In a bizarre scientific experiment designed to counter the claims of "Supersize Me", another Joliet man went on a diet of Celery and Kiwi fruit for 30 days. He ate eight kilos a day and kept a video journal. After just eight days he is seen fighting with the greengrocer who refuses to serve him any more. After twenty days the man appears delirious and has a green tinge to his skin, he appears to have gained weight and become more aggressive. A spokesman for a burger chain said "science? so what? we've got the power of advertising on our side. People are stupid, until the burgers start cashing them down the street with guns we have nothing to fear". A spokesman for the NRA said "con-sarn it! I though this was the National Rivers Authority, o'course guns kill people y'jackass"
That's all for today. This news was brought to you by Budweiser, The King of Beers, another iconic Belgian brand.
JJ
PS All of the above is bollocks obviously but it's true that Belgian brewer Inbev has bought Budweiser this week, hilarious! I might buy an American bank, I heard Fanny Mae was feeling the pinch earlier.
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