What a week! Led Zeppelin and The Spice Girls are back!
I would've gone to see them but I went to meet some folks at the christmas market in Aachen instead. Life's like that, one mans wheat is another man's chaff, I'm even developing a taste for "glue-wine".
As it is christmas you can get your Elvis Presley Duck's here and for the more discerning shopper; Arse Face Soap, it's about time somebody invented that.
As if that isn't enough you could sign up your loved one to the Jordan Fan Club Mailing List here, just imagine the look on her face! It'll be just like that time you bought her a home brew kit.
If your relationship is beyond that phase, ie you are still together, there's plenty more giving to do: this little beauty i-Cybot can carry a drinks can and sweep the floor at the same time, finally a practical use for "science". Maybe next year they'll make one that cooks and well, does other things too.
But if you really want to get into the spirit, check out the Jesus Action Figure, it's a bargain at under ten dollars. Or, if you don't want to get into the spirit, get yourself a Devil's Action Figure from good old Amazon.
If christmas isn't your thing then you might want to check out the Osama Bin Laden Action Set, I don't know where you can buy it but I think there's no lower age limit so it's quite a flexible gift.
Finally, if you really want to go the extra mile (1.6 kilometres), you can buy an acre of land on The Moon here. I'm not sure where you go for planning permission, try The Clangers, good luck.
Happy Shopping!
JJ
Monday, 17 December 2007
Sunday, 9 December 2007
Monster Raving Christmas Curry Party
So the Seasonal Party season begins with the Brussels Bloggers Bash and not a single little green cabbage-like vegetable in sight, we went for a curried buffet instead. It wasn't planned as a statement of political correctness and I personally am not at all offended by LGC-LVs, I even eat them when it isn't, you know, "mid-winter festival".
How can the PC world sleep with themselves after spending a day spouting this nonsense? Do they really talk like this at home? I hope not. I eat sprouts all the time and I don't feel the need to explode on public transport. On top of which I've maintained a healthy grasp of all the worlds stereotypes; the circumspect, the bearded and the confessors. Actually I'm a bit hazy on the whole Protestant v Catholic bit, what's the difference? Which is the one that bans women from standing at the front and then makes the men wear dresses? What a peculiar caper, maybe I've mixed it up with a pantomine.
But that's not all, the mid-winter festival existed long before Christmas so this isn't PC-ness gone mad, it's truth. The whole Christmas thing is made up, mid-winter festival is pagan, so what now? "Year End Celebration Day" Does anyone have the slightest clue just what it is we're supposed to be celebrating now? Does it matter? Maybe this is the future, everything described by bland harmless names for things we used to care about.
That was just one of the many bit's and pieces we talked about, I won't re-tell the whole evening because I can't remember. But there was one other thing, Elaib was bit miffed about not having a fatwa issued on him (against him?). So, with it being Christmas and all I thought I could help him out, here goes:
"For the heinous crime of impersonating Eliab Harvey, taking his name in vein, and the secondary misdemeanour of mis-spelling Eliab; I hereby call on the people of Hempstead Heath to take one mighty Oak and beat the false satanic Elaib mercilessly with it until he confesses and then carry on beating him mercilessly until he's dead and again for a good long time even after he's dead. The last beating is unnecessary but that's what I've decreed, it's my fatwa and anyone who disagrees with it must be a servant of Satan and will be next to receive a good thrashing. So, you people of Hempstead Heath had better get on with it, pronto. Or you can take your time, Salman hasn't had his yet so there's no rush really. Oh and don't worry too much about the confession part, if he doesn't confess just move on to the second and third merciless beatings otherwise you'll be there all night."
I think that's fairly standard phrasing for a fatwa. Anyway, it was a splendid do, I finally got to meet some Brussels Bloggers and had a jolly good night. The do finally ended in the Joyce shortly after the knockout of Ricky Hatton. Makes a change to watch someone else fall over in the pub. Boxing is a bit taboo (horrible word) these days too isn't it? Or maybe it's just in countries that don't win.
All together now, "Onward Christian So-ho-ldiers...", oh come on it's Christmas for heaven's sake. Note to heathens (inc. self); Christmas is rightly spelt with a capital 'c', stop complaining and pull a cracker or something.
Goodnight Seattle,
JJ
How can the PC world sleep with themselves after spending a day spouting this nonsense? Do they really talk like this at home? I hope not. I eat sprouts all the time and I don't feel the need to explode on public transport. On top of which I've maintained a healthy grasp of all the worlds stereotypes; the circumspect, the bearded and the confessors. Actually I'm a bit hazy on the whole Protestant v Catholic bit, what's the difference? Which is the one that bans women from standing at the front and then makes the men wear dresses? What a peculiar caper, maybe I've mixed it up with a pantomine.
But that's not all, the mid-winter festival existed long before Christmas so this isn't PC-ness gone mad, it's truth. The whole Christmas thing is made up, mid-winter festival is pagan, so what now? "Year End Celebration Day" Does anyone have the slightest clue just what it is we're supposed to be celebrating now? Does it matter? Maybe this is the future, everything described by bland harmless names for things we used to care about.
That was just one of the many bit's and pieces we talked about, I won't re-tell the whole evening because I can't remember. But there was one other thing, Elaib was bit miffed about not having a fatwa issued on him (against him?). So, with it being Christmas and all I thought I could help him out, here goes:
"For the heinous crime of impersonating Eliab Harvey, taking his name in vein, and the secondary misdemeanour of mis-spelling Eliab; I hereby call on the people of Hempstead Heath to take one mighty Oak and beat the false satanic Elaib mercilessly with it until he confesses and then carry on beating him mercilessly until he's dead and again for a good long time even after he's dead. The last beating is unnecessary but that's what I've decreed, it's my fatwa and anyone who disagrees with it must be a servant of Satan and will be next to receive a good thrashing. So, you people of Hempstead Heath had better get on with it, pronto. Or you can take your time, Salman hasn't had his yet so there's no rush really. Oh and don't worry too much about the confession part, if he doesn't confess just move on to the second and third merciless beatings otherwise you'll be there all night."
I think that's fairly standard phrasing for a fatwa. Anyway, it was a splendid do, I finally got to meet some Brussels Bloggers and had a jolly good night. The do finally ended in the Joyce shortly after the knockout of Ricky Hatton. Makes a change to watch someone else fall over in the pub. Boxing is a bit taboo (horrible word) these days too isn't it? Or maybe it's just in countries that don't win.
All together now, "Onward Christian So-ho-ldiers...", oh come on it's Christmas for heaven's sake. Note to heathens (inc. self); Christmas is rightly spelt with a capital 'c', stop complaining and pull a cracker or something.
Goodnight Seattle,
JJ
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
Happy Feet
I forgot to fill in the sandwich order this morning so I had to get a sandwich from the gas station (the same one that poisoned me during the 2006 world cup). There I noticed Humo is giving away "Happy Feet" and that somehow stoked my boiler.
Anyone who is about to say "Happy Feet is one of those really clever kids films that adults can watch too", shut, the fuck, up.
I've seen Shark's Tale and Finding Nemo, these films are for children under 10, and that's all. I can understand parents enjoying these films, I expect your children dominate the TV and 90% of what you watch is aimed at children. The reality is, you have become attuned to that level. Childrens films haven't changed, you have changed, but of course you can't see it.
But it's not just parents, single people are peddling this horseshit too. But what kind of single people? Is it the same people who are suffering from the "obesety epidemic"? up to their eyes in debt and still living with their parents well into their thirties. There is a school of thought that a whole new group of society is spawning thirty something people with the mentality of teenagers. These people have never had to work for anything and so they simply don't grow up.
Well it makes perfect sense to me. The whole notion of films being multi-layered is "big daddy pants with skid marks". If it's true that films work in multi-layers like this then please send your kid's to my place and we'll watch the "Saw" films together, or Seven, Van Helsing etc. I've got a whole collection of films which are not suitable for kids which I why I know HAPPY FEET IS A FUCKING CHILDRENS FILM.
But while I'm on the subject I'll have a dig a couple of other charlatans who deserve everything they get (they get rich but that's not what I meant). Firstly, of course, JK Rowling. Author of CHILDRENS BOOKS, shit ones. Not one single original idea. There are some people, on this planet, who think JKR has a deep understanding of the Occult and Pagan Ritual. It's mainly people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about; people who's experience of the Occult is limited to The Daily Shite's horoscope section. Of course! It can only be these slow witted dunderheads who are buying "Harry Potter and The Bollocks Talking Shit Peddler" in their droves. Marketing people worked out decades ago the best way to make people buy something they don't want or need is to just keep saying to them "this is really good, you want this", that's what's happened to all you Harry Potter reading adults.
Next; Dan Brown. CHARLATAN! This brazen plagiarist had the bloody nerve to stand up in court and claim he didn't copy the entire Da Vinci story from the eighties book "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail". Lies! Why can't he admit it? HBHG is non-fiction, he would be perfectly entitled to quote it as research for a book of fiction. Only problem is, it isn't a few paragraphs here and there, it's the entire bloody book! I laughed my hat off when I heard the Hollywood writer's strike has delayed the movie production of his next dirge. The "prequel" no less, is there anything original in his sorry horses arse of a repertoire?
Well, I'm happy now, I might take the penguin out my arse and sit down.
JJ
Anyone who is about to say "Happy Feet is one of those really clever kids films that adults can watch too", shut, the fuck, up.
I've seen Shark's Tale and Finding Nemo, these films are for children under 10, and that's all. I can understand parents enjoying these films, I expect your children dominate the TV and 90% of what you watch is aimed at children. The reality is, you have become attuned to that level. Childrens films haven't changed, you have changed, but of course you can't see it.
But it's not just parents, single people are peddling this horseshit too. But what kind of single people? Is it the same people who are suffering from the "obesety epidemic"? up to their eyes in debt and still living with their parents well into their thirties. There is a school of thought that a whole new group of society is spawning thirty something people with the mentality of teenagers. These people have never had to work for anything and so they simply don't grow up.
Well it makes perfect sense to me. The whole notion of films being multi-layered is "big daddy pants with skid marks". If it's true that films work in multi-layers like this then please send your kid's to my place and we'll watch the "Saw" films together, or Seven, Van Helsing etc. I've got a whole collection of films which are not suitable for kids which I why I know HAPPY FEET IS A FUCKING CHILDRENS FILM.
But while I'm on the subject I'll have a dig a couple of other charlatans who deserve everything they get (they get rich but that's not what I meant). Firstly, of course, JK Rowling. Author of CHILDRENS BOOKS, shit ones. Not one single original idea. There are some people, on this planet, who think JKR has a deep understanding of the Occult and Pagan Ritual. It's mainly people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about; people who's experience of the Occult is limited to The Daily Shite's horoscope section. Of course! It can only be these slow witted dunderheads who are buying "Harry Potter and The Bollocks Talking Shit Peddler" in their droves. Marketing people worked out decades ago the best way to make people buy something they don't want or need is to just keep saying to them "this is really good, you want this", that's what's happened to all you Harry Potter reading adults.
Next; Dan Brown. CHARLATAN! This brazen plagiarist had the bloody nerve to stand up in court and claim he didn't copy the entire Da Vinci story from the eighties book "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail". Lies! Why can't he admit it? HBHG is non-fiction, he would be perfectly entitled to quote it as research for a book of fiction. Only problem is, it isn't a few paragraphs here and there, it's the entire bloody book! I laughed my hat off when I heard the Hollywood writer's strike has delayed the movie production of his next dirge. The "prequel" no less, is there anything original in his sorry horses arse of a repertoire?
Well, I'm happy now, I might take the penguin out my arse and sit down.
JJ
Friday, 30 November 2007
Banter
A short play about everyday misunderstanding's, in a pre-modernistic soap-operatic vein.
Man: What?! Divorce papers?? I thought you was kiddin! I was half cut, we dit'un even talk about it
Woman: we don't talk about nuffink, that's the problem, we never talk, you're always pissed
Man: what the fuck's that got to do with anyfink? you're more pissed than me
Woman: don't turn this on me, I wanted to make something out of it, I tried
Man: tried what? that fucking gyppo in The Lion?
Woman: you bastard! that was all lies and filthy rumours and you know it
Man: oh yeah, that's when it's your turn, you weren't so philosophical when they was talkin' about me and Ambalah
Woman: that's 'cos it was fuckin true! they wasn't rumours you cheatin' basterd!
Man: there's no talking to you, you just won't listen to anyfink I've got to say, you'd rather hear it from your skunky mates
Woman: don't bring me mates into this, at least they stand by me, and the word is "skanky" actually
Man: as long you're gettin' the rounds they stick by ya, and whose money is it that your buyin' the rounds wiv? eh?
Woman: you total basterd! I knew you'd bring it down to money, that's all it is wiv you innit? why don't you just pay me by the hour and treat me like one of your littel whore's?
Man: if I wanted to make money into an issue I wouldn't fuckin' give you any at all would I?
Woman: don't then! do you fink I can't make it wivout ya? I don't need you, typical man, you fink you can buy me? well horlicks to you Mr Man!
Man: What? Horlicks? oh Gordon Bennett! 'ave you slipped back into the fifties again?
Woman: Goodness Mr Man, you seem to be awfully perplexed, whatever can I do?
Man: stop talkin shite you cock-eyed bint! It's gunna to get me now, dash it!
Woman: oh dear, we seem to be perspiring, let's sit down and have a frank discussion
Man: Well said "the good lady" you're absolutely right as usual. What about a round of sandwiches and a jolly good cup of tea?
Woman: I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier! you put your feet up Mr Man and I'll busy myself in the kitchen.
Man: Yes, I'll put my feet up, that's what I'll do, I think this is going to work out very well
Mr Man winks at the audience and raises his elbow
Applause
THE END
I enjoyed that,
JJ
Man: What?! Divorce papers?? I thought you was kiddin! I was half cut, we dit'un even talk about it
Woman: we don't talk about nuffink, that's the problem, we never talk, you're always pissed
Man: what the fuck's that got to do with anyfink? you're more pissed than me
Woman: don't turn this on me, I wanted to make something out of it, I tried
Man: tried what? that fucking gyppo in The Lion?
Woman: you bastard! that was all lies and filthy rumours and you know it
Man: oh yeah, that's when it's your turn, you weren't so philosophical when they was talkin' about me and Ambalah
Woman: that's 'cos it was fuckin true! they wasn't rumours you cheatin' basterd!
Man: there's no talking to you, you just won't listen to anyfink I've got to say, you'd rather hear it from your skunky mates
Woman: don't bring me mates into this, at least they stand by me, and the word is "skanky" actually
Man: as long you're gettin' the rounds they stick by ya, and whose money is it that your buyin' the rounds wiv? eh?
Woman: you total basterd! I knew you'd bring it down to money, that's all it is wiv you innit? why don't you just pay me by the hour and treat me like one of your littel whore's?
Man: if I wanted to make money into an issue I wouldn't fuckin' give you any at all would I?
Woman: don't then! do you fink I can't make it wivout ya? I don't need you, typical man, you fink you can buy me? well horlicks to you Mr Man!
Man: What? Horlicks? oh Gordon Bennett! 'ave you slipped back into the fifties again?
Woman: Goodness Mr Man, you seem to be awfully perplexed, whatever can I do?
Man: stop talkin shite you cock-eyed bint! It's gunna to get me now, dash it!
Woman: oh dear, we seem to be perspiring, let's sit down and have a frank discussion
Man: Well said "the good lady" you're absolutely right as usual. What about a round of sandwiches and a jolly good cup of tea?
Woman: I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier! you put your feet up Mr Man and I'll busy myself in the kitchen.
Man: Yes, I'll put my feet up, that's what I'll do, I think this is going to work out very well
Mr Man winks at the audience and raises his elbow
Applause
THE END
I enjoyed that,
JJ
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Travel XV, A Twat in a Box
What ho! Just got back from a weekend jaunt to Hamburg. Splendid, maarvellous city. Packed with history and all sorts of life (day and night), this place could easily fill more than a weekend break, as you would expect from a big city.
Yesterday we explored the huge port and a few other bits and pieces (Joahannes Brams Memorial, St Michel church etc) and went for dinner at Nil Restaurant. A very atmospheric little place, we were seated on a balcony, I recommend the Elk Steak, yum. Topped with a drink at a local bar, one of those spacious set-ups with sofa seating, we (girlfriend and I) finished off with a trip to St Pauli (red light district). The Reeperbahn is as much a tourist attraction as Pat Pong of Bangkok, we wandered into a huge marital aids shop (not martial arts, very subtle difference not only in spelling). It was mostly womens toys, I was given a re-assuring "you don't need that" while perusing the stamina increasing potions.
There was a tremendous seletion of gimp outfits and strange hardware in the basement, we left that more bemused than excited. The men's bit was dissapointing to say the least, an 800 euro solid rubber doll, a selection of blow up dolls and a selection of women's genitalia made of rubber in various colours. I thought to myself; I've only brought hand luggage, how will I explain this?, I don't even know what it's called "a twat in a box?". I left it.
Today we did the bus tour, as it was raining most of the day. The British influence on this city is striking, although it's more the case that the place already looked very British so the Brits took it over after the war and rebuilt it. They get credit for Hamburg being the press/media centre of Germany, well done! There was even a fish and chip shop (with vinegar) at the entrance to the railway station. I thought it would make a great picture but the lady working there had a different view. Obviously African, she charged out of the shop and grabbed my camera shouting "no pictures! no pictures!", I didn't expect that. The station was full of police officers as rival football fans arrived chanting and singing for the days game, a bit unnerving we thought. So we finished the tour and had nice (late) lunch back at the hotel before setting off back to Brussels.
We might go back in summer, I would recommend it.
I'll sleep well tonight.
JJ
Yesterday we explored the huge port and a few other bits and pieces (Joahannes Brams Memorial, St Michel church etc) and went for dinner at Nil Restaurant. A very atmospheric little place, we were seated on a balcony, I recommend the Elk Steak, yum. Topped with a drink at a local bar, one of those spacious set-ups with sofa seating, we (girlfriend and I) finished off with a trip to St Pauli (red light district). The Reeperbahn is as much a tourist attraction as Pat Pong of Bangkok, we wandered into a huge marital aids shop (not martial arts, very subtle difference not only in spelling). It was mostly womens toys, I was given a re-assuring "you don't need that" while perusing the stamina increasing potions.
There was a tremendous seletion of gimp outfits and strange hardware in the basement, we left that more bemused than excited. The men's bit was dissapointing to say the least, an 800 euro solid rubber doll, a selection of blow up dolls and a selection of women's genitalia made of rubber in various colours. I thought to myself; I've only brought hand luggage, how will I explain this?, I don't even know what it's called "a twat in a box?". I left it.
Today we did the bus tour, as it was raining most of the day. The British influence on this city is striking, although it's more the case that the place already looked very British so the Brits took it over after the war and rebuilt it. They get credit for Hamburg being the press/media centre of Germany, well done! There was even a fish and chip shop (with vinegar) at the entrance to the railway station. I thought it would make a great picture but the lady working there had a different view. Obviously African, she charged out of the shop and grabbed my camera shouting "no pictures! no pictures!", I didn't expect that. The station was full of police officers as rival football fans arrived chanting and singing for the days game, a bit unnerving we thought. So we finished the tour and had nice (late) lunch back at the hotel before setting off back to Brussels.
We might go back in summer, I would recommend it.
I'll sleep well tonight.
JJ
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