Banter

A short play about everyday misunderstanding's, in a pre-modernistic soap-operatic vein.


Man: What?! Divorce papers?? I thought you was kiddin! I was half cut, we dit'un even talk about it

Woman: we don't talk about nuffink, that's the problem, we never talk, you're always pissed

Man: what the fuck's that got to do with anyfink? you're more pissed than me

Woman: don't turn this on me, I wanted to make something out of it, I tried

Man: tried what? that fucking gyppo in The Lion?

Woman: you bastard! that was all lies and filthy rumours and you know it

Man: oh yeah, that's when it's your turn, you weren't so philosophical when they was talkin' about me and Ambalah

Woman: that's 'cos it was fuckin true! they wasn't rumours you cheatin' basterd!

Man: there's no talking to you, you just won't listen to anyfink I've got to say, you'd rather hear it from your skunky mates

Woman: don't bring me mates into this, at least they stand by me, and the word is "skanky" actually

Man: as long you're gettin' the rounds they stick by ya, and whose money is it that your buyin' the rounds wiv? eh?

Woman: you total basterd! I knew you'd bring it down to money, that's all it is wiv you innit? why don't you just pay me by the hour and treat me like one of your littel whore's?

Man: if I wanted to make money into an issue I wouldn't fuckin' give you any at all would I?

Woman: don't then! do you fink I can't make it wivout ya? I don't need you, typical man, you fink you can buy me? well horlicks to you Mr Man!

Man: What? Horlicks? oh Gordon Bennett! 'ave you slipped back into the fifties again?

Woman: Goodness Mr Man, you seem to be awfully perplexed, whatever can I do?

Man: stop talkin shite you cock-eyed bint! It's gunna to get me now, dash it!

Woman: oh dear, we seem to be perspiring, let's sit down and have a frank discussion

Man: Well said "the good lady" you're absolutely right as usual. What about a round of sandwiches and a jolly good cup of tea?

Woman: I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier! you put your feet up Mr Man and I'll busy myself in the kitchen.

Man: Yes, I'll put my feet up, that's what I'll do, I think this is going to work out very well

Mr Man winks at the audience and raises his elbow

Applause

THE END

I enjoyed that,

JJ