Crazy Train

JJ Meets Ozzy Osbourne's grandmother

Obviously this was long time ago, let's say the friend was called Potpal Abihsot, what with us being all Injuns an' all. Anyway, we were doing the studenty thing that students do with beer, cider, thunderbird and things, the upshot was that the following Friday Potpal and I had to go to Huddersfield so that he could get laid.

My role was to facilite a quick getaway in case Mother, Father, Brothers or any other unspecified relatives interrupted the proceedings. A bold plan considering the transport was British Rail and a couple of Student Cards.

I used to love travelling on British Rail in those days, I was chemically addicted to the microwave cheeseburgers. I met Roy Hattersley at Sheffield station once and just grinned inanely. I think he thought I was pleased to see him but I had just sat down with a cheeseburger. I would have had the same response to Attila the Hun.

So, I got my coaching on the train over, "the train stops near the college, we'll go to the college and find them, you keep the friends sweet and distract them while I slip off and sort her out. If you get any it's a bonus but we meet back at the station at 5 - 6pm".

Seemed simple enough, but by the time we got to the college I could'nt remember the way back to the effin' station. He dissapeared like a ferret up a train driver's arse and there I was with two soppy girlies and a would be Steve Gutenberg. We grabbed a sarnie at the college canteen and took it to the park where WBSG paraded his Kung Fu techniques for us. Well, for them actually because all I was thinking was "Kung Fuck this, I'll eat my sarnie and politely move on to the nearst boozer", which is exactly what I did.

It was about three o'clock so I had a couple of beers and hammered the fruit machine before asking the way to the station. The amazing thing was that station wasn't far away but I didn't get there 'till seven.

Several beers later, keeping a close eye on the station whilst drinking and hammering another bandit, I realised I'd missed the boat. I sat down with my pint and turned my back on the station. This old bird sat next to me grinning like a stuffed sheep. She said "ooooh you're a lovely boy, you look just like Michael Jackon", I said "you look like Ozzy Osbourne's grandmother" she wasn't impressed. Apparently she was a regular and after much one-sided debate the landlord invited me to vacate the premises.

By the time I staggered to the station the last train had gone and I had to sleep on a bench on the platform until the 5.30am.

I stared out of the train window and chewed on another soggy cheesburger, my clothes felt like corrugated iron, I went home to sleep.

JJ