I was in a stationary store on saturday, they sell stationery there, so I took the opportunity to buy a huge mouse-mat styled world map for my desk/dining table. The problem is the table's white and my optical mouse won't work on it, the pointer jumps around like a flea on speed.
Sadly, my cunning plan failed miserably, the mouse doesn't work too well on that either. It's ok around China/India and Pacific rim plus Australia but useless in Russia or any stretch of water. Europe and Africa are a bit dodgy but America works well (north and south). That's somehow a vague allegory to my disposition towards those regions too. Oh bugger off with your America bashing, there are few countries in Europe that haven't invaded/exploited and generally trashed cultures everywhere. That doesn't make it ok but at least there's one thing in the world that makes the tin-pot (oil rich) dictators think twice.
And as for all those evil tyrants who don't have any oil or mineral reserves, you'd better hope there's nothing under your patio or the yanks'll find it, and then you're screwed. (I mean "yanks" in the Duke's of Hazard sense of course, nice friendly good looking hill-billy moonshine runners).
Talking of which, when I was in a band our drummer used brew to his own hooch and grow weed in his attic. Seeing the tenderness of man tending flora I thought I should try my hand at horticulture. So, my then girfriend bought me a lovely little flowery plant to put in a pot. The post mortem revealed "you're supposed to take the plastic off the roots before you put it in the pot you bloody idiot!!" I assumed the plastic was bio-degradeable, why the hell would anyone put polyeurothane around a plants roots? You might as well shoot the bugger with a twelve gauge, actually that would be more fun.
Needless to say, when mum asked me to help around the garden my sole contribution was to hire a gardner. In the meantime I'm re-habilitating myself by looking after girlfriend's plethora of useless idle sneering greenery whenever she's away, I even talk to the sods, and the plants. They're all miraculously still alive, though I'd glady strangle that thorny ungrateful bush that lives in the loft (f**k know's what it's called but I've got a few names for it). You can make your own references to thorny ungrateful bushes there, ex-wives\husbands included.
The next day I went to the market in my jeans and nothing but a denim jacket on top, I bought a t-shirt and calmly put it on before I went to the pub. I hadn't done any washing for two weeks. That was eleven 0'clock, thirteen years ago, obviously "I was a completely different person back then" (quote: Natural Born Killers)
"haaahaar, ha ha ah ah, raahaaah" - that's my palindromic laugh, I've been working on that for almost a week, it works in hindi and punjabi too.
Thank you for listening, goodnight!