Streeps Ahead

Gwyneth Paltrow is the new Meryl Streep. Well, she will be in about 15 years. I saw Meryl in Mamma Mia, the movie of the musical, it's an entertaining movie, probably one that will re-appear on public holidays and I'll watch it again because "there's nothing else on", it was that good.

But the great thing was seeing actors like Meryl and Julie Walters putting in these really good performances and proving that you don't have to be a thirty-something-boob-job to make non-porn movies as a woman. We already knew that about Meryl, but looking around at the "next crop" I'd say Gwyneth is going the right way about it, she's smart. But then, when the opposition is Jennifer Anniston - you don't need to be brain surgeon. I'd defy anyone to dispute that the ex-cast of Friends have really taken down the batting averages for movie quality.

I'm sure I've seen four or five movies with ex-Friends but I can't remember any of them except the one with Harrison Ford (and Jennifer), because Harrison was in it. Actually, has "Joey" made any films? I know he made a really shit spin-off sit-com.

My life is a bit like a sitcom, this morning I went to the dog track and bet a pony on a muppet, I was telling Shuey about it when he told me Bownsey has a half share in wippet, which is what I should have been betting on, so I asked him who has the other half and he said "Chandler from Friends". then we did a whole bit about the person owning the front half collecting all of the winnings but the other guy owns the dogs bollocks.

Then I quit my job as a ploy to get a raise but my boss accepted my resignation so I ended up begging for my job back at a reduced salary but when he stood up it turned out he was wearing stockings and suspenders so he was sent to the nuthouse and I got a promotion to his job plus the regional manager who gave me the promotion insisted that I have sex with her.

Then I had lunch with the "Fan Man", turns out he got a job installing air conditioning. After that stunt at the super bowl he was inundated with offers from fan related businesses, the funny thing is he knows nothing about fans, his friend Colin Dooley hooked him up with the "Fan Man" fan and now Colin has put a contract out on Fan Man because he thinks he should've had that job.

Obviously I had to say I haven't seen Colin in years, which is true, I haven't seen him since we were hanging around with those Japanese exchange students in Sheffield. That was the summer of '91, wild times.

After lunch I was on my way to the office when I bumped into that guy from the movie with all the aliens that jump up and down and go "yak yak, yak yak yak, yak yak". I said "hey you're the guy from that movie" he said "hey you're the guy from the street". Funny guy, wish I could remember his fucking name. Then I remembered "you're Chandler from Friends", turns out he wasn't in the alien movie at all and he wasn't very funny either, he was quite angry that people see him as an buffoon. Well, he's not helping the situation.

After that encounter I was on a bit of a downer so I went home but I ended up at my old flat which I had moved out of the week before but there was a really hot chick living there who insisted I have sex with her and it slipped out that she was my boss's daughter so I withdrew politely and ran. Then I panicked and told the regional boss I was quitting and she gave me a raise, and a blow job.

x-rated comedy, that's where it's at kids.

JJ

iFreedom

iFreedom, iLiberty, iJustice, iAmerica, iWorld

Why i?

Why i man

And no, thats not a question. You don't want principles you want iPrinciples, good things you can talk about but you don't really do. In iWorld, theres someone else to fix everything, leave your gender outside the door, no colours here we're all beige and proud and there's definately No Smoking. There is iSmoking however, that's when you get a avatar who smokes and you email your friends to tell them you're iSmoking in the iOffice and for some unfathomable reason they think it's cool. If i did that my friends would call me an iIdiot, they'd be right.

When did people become so unimaginative and dull? Political Correctness has something to do with it, the rest you can blame on iMac. i've used an apple mac, it's the computer equivalent of an electric car, it has all the appeal of celery flavoured condoms, i imagine. iPod is the same, filthy proprietary protocols. i hate celery. i was given and iPod nano when they were new, i used it for about thirty seconds and gave it away.

You'll never guess who i bumped into in Quick;

JJ: Hey George W, what's up? Hungry?
GB: Haven't you heard? I'm looking for job
JJ: Oh that! it's not yet George W, you're supposed to keep working until January
GB: What?
JJ: Yeh, he has to be sworn in and organise his movers and decoraters yet, there's ages
GB: So I should be at work now?
JJ: Correct, I can give you a lift to the metro
GB: Thank's man, a man needs good friends like you at a time like this
JJ: steady on George, this is strictly business, I'm an advisor it's not the same. Anyway, lets grab a burger I'm hungry

Barack O walks by carrying a bin bag

JJ: Hey Barack, what's up? We're going to have a burger
BO: Tell it to the man dude, I'm outta here, I've quit
JJ: Good for you, where you off to?
BO: Go home, pack my shit and catch the next flight to D.C.
GB: Hey B.O., good job
BO: George W
JJ: Bazza, can you do me favour?
BO: Sure, shoot
JJ: Can you get them to put KFC in Belgium? i'm suffering here man, Hector's Chicken is like iKFC, fucking awful.
BO: I fully sympathise brother. Hey George W, do we own Belgium?
GB: Ermmm...that's in Africa right?
JJ: You idiot, this is Belgium, right here, you're sitting on it
GB: No, no, no, this is Brussels, iKnow
OB: You know jack George W. No sweat JJ, I'll check with old Joey B, he knows about foriegn policy
JJ: Thanks man, I owe you one
GB: I don't know Jack, who's Jack?
JJ: forget it Georgie boy, I'll run you to the metro I've got things to do
GB: What are you doing? I thought we could hang out
JJ: I'm going to Brico to get an electric screwdriver, you have to get to work remember?

But coming back the the original whatsname, sometimes i do get the feeling the world is turning into an iWorld. There are no kids playing in the streets, everyone drives the same car, they look the same anyway. There's no opposition in government anymore, the are no Lefts or Rights it's all middle of the road dull; dull, dull, dull. David Cameron? what's that all about? he looks like a poster boy for Belkin Wireless Routers "solve all your wireless connection problems in one easy to use, maintenance free, future proof, sleek, stylish solution" nothing in IT fits that description, everyone knows that. (Apple Mac??! don't be a twat)

it's like Star Trek Next Generation, just once i would've liked to hear the captain say "can you all just shut the fuck up for five minutes, i'm getting a headache from you idiots, i have to do everything around here and it's pissing me off now!", be human. Even back when Next Generation started i was a big fan but i couldn't help thinking "is this how they see our future?" imagine a bunch of guys and two women in lycra suits drfiting through space for months on end, i know what i would've been doing but those guys didin't even try it on.

in the original Star Trek, old captain Kirk was getting into a fight over a woman almost every week. i can see him know with his bloodied nose and ripped shirt grabbing hold of that scantily clad "alien" woman.

That's the vision of the future i want.

JJ

Farts and Gripes

...or, to put it another way; Stars and Stripes, the land of the free, the home of Michael Jackson's monkey. A hundred million people are going to write kisses next to the one they love so that he can be in charge of everything for four years. It's a kind of gang bang St Valentines day.

Whoever wins it's a big responsibility but I'll tell you what, it's not going to be Obama, it's going to be McCain. I'm already having my Repbulican election dinner today, the chips are in the oven and the hot dogs are on the boil.

Here's the break down. Three months ago, Obama was twenty points clear, no one was taking bets any more. Now, having spent 600 million bucks and travelled to every square inch of the country, he's barely 5 points clear. 5 points is nothing in an opinion poll, they have a 3-5% error margin. It looks to me like Obama is hanging on by the skin of his teeth. This is exactly what happened last time out, George W was written off six months before the election, on the day he only needed to fiddle one state to claim the sash.

Sure McCain's going to have to fiddle one or maybe two states, but it won't be Florida this time. He'll win most states though, because of people. This happened in the UK once, the Conservatives at an all time low in popularity were facing defeat in the face so they gave up and put up a complete no-hoper, John Major. To this day even he can't believe he won. The interesting thing was, afterwards no one would admit to voting Conservative. Years later it transpired that Major was having an affair with the salmonella egg woman, ironic that he was in the circus before he joined politics - you could say he never really left.

People voted for a dullard rather than take a gamble on something new. That's Obama's whole campaign in the toilet, "Time for Change" or whatever the hell it is, he should be campaigning on "I promise to do nothing, you're safe with me". Bland faceless politicians are popular in conservative countries. Our politicians could rob us blind, which they regularly do, we would still put them right back up there rather than try to make a real change. (Side Note: The US and UK only have two real parties and they're both the same, there are other candidates but most voters are too scared of change)

Now I know you don't like the sound of this, I don't either, but sometimes grown up's do bad things and they're mean to each other, get over it. If Obama does win then I'll have got it all wrong but that won't stop me. This time next week I'll be predicting some other catastrophe or commenting some other baloney, god knows I'm not shooting for any prizes here.

So, Obama to lose, McCain to win, sure as I'm sitting here with a 1 kilo tub of Haribo liquorice all-sorts and a can of beer.

JJ

The Madness of Joliet Jake

Why do people say mad things like "a whale isn't a fish, it's a mammal". Look at it, it's a massive huge fish in the sea, see any giraffes in the sea? no because it's a mammal, stop talking bollocks.

Another classic "a tomato isn't a vegetable, it's a fruit", well take it out of your salad and put it in your cake then. Or better still, shove it up your arse.

Here's a good one "bears are more scared of you than you are of them", that's just horseshit, what the f*ck are you talking about? Have you ever seen a real bear? They're massive with huge teeth and claws.

"the best way to deal with a shark is to punch it on the nose". I think there's a better way, shoot it with a harpoon gun before it gets anywhere near you.

"you shouldn't give money to the homeless they waste it on drugs", that's not a waste actually, they're quiet when they're stoned it's better for everyone.

"A penguin is the only bird that can swim." A penguin isn't a bird, birds have feathers and fly through the air, that's what makes them birds. I know what a bird looks like and that isn't it.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", what kind of garbage is that? I you're standing in a field with a bird in your hand you need to be arrested and/or locked up.

In fact anything at all to do with birds is absolute hogwash, birds are crazy, and so are cats, bats, rats and silly hats.

I'm going back to lunch now, then I'm going to write a report about something, I haven't decided what yet but I've already got a circulation list in mind, it's f*cking huge!

JJ

Me and The Shah

The other day I spent half an hour trawling the internet for pictures of the former Shah of Iran. Apparently, according the corner shop man from Iran and his brother, the former Shah and I share a striking resemblence.

I won't be visiting Isreal any time soon then. However, I couln't find one scrap of evidence to support this anecdotal mayonnaise so I have rejected the comparison. I'm still not going to Isreal though, I'm just less apparently opposed to not going. I mean I wouldn't want my appearance to spark off a disturbance, it wouldn't be the first time.

Actually, now that I think of it, the corner shop man looks like an Iranian Jimmy Greaves, watching him and me talk must be like watching the Iranian Twilight Zone, in colour. (by the way; I'm not Iranian, I just have a habit of staring at people)

It's a shame in a way. Why can't I look like the other one? The one that pronounces fatwahs and jihads, that would be much more fun, better than that Voodoo Golf nonsense anyway.

Still, that's another Sunday afternoon, more tea anyone?

JJ