I was just in the kitchen thinking "what did I come in here for?" when it suddenly occured to me that I am now, and have been for a while, a Bruxelloise (or is it Bruxelloisee, there might be an accent on one of those "e"s). If you're reading this from Blighty I can tell you you're probably pronouncing it wrong, if you're in Oz or Untied State of Anxiety then I'm sure you are pronounching it wrong. ("ching" was a typo but I kept it. That's how God was invented, the higher being's child really wanted a Dog)
So, what is a Brusseliose when he's at home? Well, I've cleared the snow from in front of our house but left enough to make an ice rink overnight. Most of my tv channels (41 out of 44) are in languages I don't understand, most of my mail is in languages I don't understand. The end of my street has been a roadworks site for 18 months even though I moved house two months ago. I give over more than half of my salary in taxes to support four administrations in three languages and they don't even grit the street when it snows. Now they tell us they're not collecting our glass for recycling any more, we have to take it to the bottle bank, where's our tax reduction for that?
I like wine and cheese, I own a bicycle and I wander about in a daze most of the time so that makes me half French, half Dutch and half Belgian if broad stereotypes are anything to go by. If you didn't know, half of Belgium speaks French and the other half Dutch. There is a small German speaking corner but we don't talk about them.
British people love living in Bruxelles, we can just sit and complain all day long safe in the knowledge that nothing will ever get done. It's true, while the Spanish brought enforced Catholicism, torture, slavery and general nastiness to their conquered nations, the British brought Centralised Administration. But then a properly organised bureaucracy is like a religion in two vital ways - they take all your money and give you diddly back.
Not that the British brought Central Administration to Brussels, they did that by themselves. Or did they? You know this European Union lark? I think it's a huge master-plan of reverse psychology, how else could they make English the de facto language of Europe? I hope that one day before I die I'll be able to buy a Pork Pie in my local supermarket at 2am, or a Scotch Egg at 3am
It's a dream, in as much as a hope can be dream and a twinkle in a glistening dewey eye turns out to be a lump of aspic from lunch.
Next week; the North American Free Trade Area and Hot Dogs. Or, "Bush and Weiners".
The Following week: mumbling apology and shuffling feet
All that talk of food has made me even more hungry, oh yes, that what I went to the kitchen for.
JJ
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Friday, 9 January 2009
Gazputin
See, I warned you about Isreal going to the beach for New Year's; see "Snowball in Gaza". They got Tom Tom for Christmas.
What are the Hezbollah up to these days? What does a retired terrorist do anyway? Gardening? seems unlikely. Abu Hamza bought one of those N'espresso machines, it's easier than grinding beans when you've got a hook instead of a hand. On the the other hand he has always been a big fan of George Clooney, can't stand him myself. Ocean's 12 and 13 were just celluloid masturbation in my eyes.
The old border control to Germany was turned into a cafe last month, seems they've finally given up on it. The Swiss still have their border control buildings in tact, probably quite prudent when you're hiding shedloads of Nazi gold and stolen art.
When it comes to internet use though the Mujahideen are just like the rest of us they just want to check their email, write a blog, look at some porn and post a decapitation video on Al-Jazeera.com. We should explore the things we have in common then we can live together in perfect harmony like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.
So, here's what else we have in common:
1. Pay-as-you-go mobile phones, not only popular with parents of teenagers but also the favoured method of contacting terrorist training camps in Pakistan (sometimes by aforementioned teenagers)
2. Bum bags. Suicide bombers love bum bags as a training tool, "put this on and walk around a bit, get a feel for it". The rest of us use them on holiday to help blend in with the trainees and avoid pick-pockets.
4. MPV's, people waggon's and the like, these are great for family day's out, taking the kids shopping and spot on for making a stupendously huge car bomb.
5. Pot Noodle. How many times have you thought to yourself "bugger, there's nothing in the fridge I'll have to go the nightshop"? only to find a Pot Noodle in the cupboard and saved yourself a possible mugging or some (unpleasant) physical violation. Imagine if you live in cave in Afghanhound, Pot Noodle is a God-send (or "Allah-send").
7. Kinder Surprise. Kinder egg chocolate is really tasty and you get surprise toy inside. Saddam had a massive collection of these toys, he wasn't really a terrorist but we killed him so we'll say he was
8. Guns and Power Tools. I often like to pretend my electric screwdriver is a gun and I'm shooting bad guys with it. I suppose the terrorists fantasise about assembling Ikea furniture using their guns to pretend they've got electric screwdrivers.
10. Humour, of course. A Pakistani calls the suicide helpline and says "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself", the fella at the other end says "Great, can you drive a truck?"
11. Cheating. We're all a bit devilish sometimes, not only am I claiming my list of ten includes 10% Extra Free (number 11) but I missed out 6 and 9. I'll have them later. Ok ok, I missed out 3 too.
None of this is my fault, it's the credit crunch and the great Satan America, they are suppressing my right marry eight women and treat them like slaves and throw shoes at George Camel-Toe-Beaver whatever his name is. Granted I'm not Muslim but if I was knocked over by a bus tomorrow I'd go down swearing allegiance to Allah, if there's even a remote chance of landing 72 virgins I'm hedging bets - the others aren't offering anything better.
I wonder how they arrived at 72 as a suitable reward for giving your life on the battlefield? There's no logic like "one a week" because heaven is eternal, isn't it? Maybe it isn't, maybe eternity is defined as the amount of time it takes to have sex 72 times. And why aren't there any cattle or pieces of gold offered as a reward? And what about British Muslims, you can imagine it "errrm...virgins you say? Could I just have a cup of tea instead?"
It's just not catering to the modern demographic to say "you'll get 72 virgins if you blow yourself up", it's too simplistic, people need choices in this day and age. How about 71 virgins, a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniels? I'm not implying that a woman's virginity is a fair trade for a bottle of hooch and some smokes. Well actually I am implying it but that was not what I meant to do. It's the principle of the deal, ok let's say 50 virgins, a dartboard (and darts), a guitar, a set of golf clubs, six crates of booze and bucket of fried chicken. It's turning into a theological Generation Game. I know that's a bit harsh on the other 22 women but they need to keep their chins up and put best foot forward, you never know, the next martyr might have lower standards, or maybe he doesn't play golf so at least a few will be kept on.
Who am I kidding, the only battlefield I'm likely to die on is the one in our lounge and that's if it's even possible to die of rectal remote control implication (Why can't women watch darts or snooker? I'd really like to know what the problem is but don't tell me now, wait for the commercial break). Well I don't know why it's 72, how do they invent these different religions anyway? That burning bush thing was a clear case of gonorrhoea if ever I saw one, what's that got to do with the four horses of the acropolis? Seems a bit extravagant a place to keep four horses.
I thought Teflon Tony Baloney "the Ryans Giggs of politics" Blair was in charge of the middle east now, he isn't saying much is he? There was a time when we couldn't shut the bugger up.
Anyhow, sorry about prattling on, you should tell me to stop if you need to get away I won't be offended.
JJ
What are the Hezbollah up to these days? What does a retired terrorist do anyway? Gardening? seems unlikely. Abu Hamza bought one of those N'espresso machines, it's easier than grinding beans when you've got a hook instead of a hand. On the the other hand he has always been a big fan of George Clooney, can't stand him myself. Ocean's 12 and 13 were just celluloid masturbation in my eyes.
The old border control to Germany was turned into a cafe last month, seems they've finally given up on it. The Swiss still have their border control buildings in tact, probably quite prudent when you're hiding shedloads of Nazi gold and stolen art.
When it comes to internet use though the Mujahideen are just like the rest of us they just want to check their email, write a blog, look at some porn and post a decapitation video on Al-Jazeera.com. We should explore the things we have in common then we can live together in perfect harmony like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.
So, here's what else we have in common:
1. Pay-as-you-go mobile phones, not only popular with parents of teenagers but also the favoured method of contacting terrorist training camps in Pakistan (sometimes by aforementioned teenagers)
2. Bum bags. Suicide bombers love bum bags as a training tool, "put this on and walk around a bit, get a feel for it". The rest of us use them on holiday to help blend in with the trainees and avoid pick-pockets.
4. MPV's, people waggon's and the like, these are great for family day's out, taking the kids shopping and spot on for making a stupendously huge car bomb.
5. Pot Noodle. How many times have you thought to yourself "bugger, there's nothing in the fridge I'll have to go the nightshop"? only to find a Pot Noodle in the cupboard and saved yourself a possible mugging or some (unpleasant) physical violation. Imagine if you live in cave in Afghanhound, Pot Noodle is a God-send (or "Allah-send").
7. Kinder Surprise. Kinder egg chocolate is really tasty and you get surprise toy inside. Saddam had a massive collection of these toys, he wasn't really a terrorist but we killed him so we'll say he was
8. Guns and Power Tools. I often like to pretend my electric screwdriver is a gun and I'm shooting bad guys with it. I suppose the terrorists fantasise about assembling Ikea furniture using their guns to pretend they've got electric screwdrivers.
10. Humour, of course. A Pakistani calls the suicide helpline and says "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself", the fella at the other end says "Great, can you drive a truck?"
11. Cheating. We're all a bit devilish sometimes, not only am I claiming my list of ten includes 10% Extra Free (number 11) but I missed out 6 and 9. I'll have them later. Ok ok, I missed out 3 too.
None of this is my fault, it's the credit crunch and the great Satan America, they are suppressing my right marry eight women and treat them like slaves and throw shoes at George Camel-Toe-Beaver whatever his name is. Granted I'm not Muslim but if I was knocked over by a bus tomorrow I'd go down swearing allegiance to Allah, if there's even a remote chance of landing 72 virgins I'm hedging bets - the others aren't offering anything better.
I wonder how they arrived at 72 as a suitable reward for giving your life on the battlefield? There's no logic like "one a week" because heaven is eternal, isn't it? Maybe it isn't, maybe eternity is defined as the amount of time it takes to have sex 72 times. And why aren't there any cattle or pieces of gold offered as a reward? And what about British Muslims, you can imagine it "errrm...virgins you say? Could I just have a cup of tea instead?"
It's just not catering to the modern demographic to say "you'll get 72 virgins if you blow yourself up", it's too simplistic, people need choices in this day and age. How about 71 virgins, a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniels? I'm not implying that a woman's virginity is a fair trade for a bottle of hooch and some smokes. Well actually I am implying it but that was not what I meant to do. It's the principle of the deal, ok let's say 50 virgins, a dartboard (and darts), a guitar, a set of golf clubs, six crates of booze and bucket of fried chicken. It's turning into a theological Generation Game. I know that's a bit harsh on the other 22 women but they need to keep their chins up and put best foot forward, you never know, the next martyr might have lower standards, or maybe he doesn't play golf so at least a few will be kept on.
Who am I kidding, the only battlefield I'm likely to die on is the one in our lounge and that's if it's even possible to die of rectal remote control implication (Why can't women watch darts or snooker? I'd really like to know what the problem is but don't tell me now, wait for the commercial break). Well I don't know why it's 72, how do they invent these different religions anyway? That burning bush thing was a clear case of gonorrhoea if ever I saw one, what's that got to do with the four horses of the acropolis? Seems a bit extravagant a place to keep four horses.
I thought Teflon Tony Baloney "the Ryans Giggs of politics" Blair was in charge of the middle east now, he isn't saying much is he? There was a time when we couldn't shut the bugger up.
Anyhow, sorry about prattling on, you should tell me to stop if you need to get away I won't be offended.
JJ
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Look, a talking Buddha!
If y'are thinking about trading your pain-in-the-arse Windoze PC for a Mac, make sure you research it first. To help you along, here's some clips from the Apple web-site illustrating the type of issues the users face:
"MacBook restarts when closing the lid", it's supposed to go to sleep. The guy took it back to the shop but it worked perfectly there. The advice, given by another user, was "re-load the OS, but you'll lose all your stuff". Sound familiar?
"The mouse gets stuck for a while... just frozen then after about 30 seconds it moves" but it's so shiny, how can it not work perfectly?
"DVD not playing in domestic machine", fairly straightforward, he loves the iMovie software but the finished DVD's don't play on his DVD player. So, it's just a frisbee maker then isn't it?
"Macbook not sleeping or wakes up with slightest movement - I am sleepless", there were a few like this, planning fifth trip to the shop in ten months. It doesn't seem to occur to him to leave the wretched thing outside the bedroom, never mind. Some of the "Mac Community" aren't terribly bright are they?
"Connecting to Airport". This lady was happily using her wireless internet at home when Apple sent her an update for Airport software. Goodbye internet connection, hello helpdesk. Curiously, one of the users also suggested "re-install OS but you'll lose all your stuff".
"Target Disk Mode, dragging files, can't do singular file, batches always -1". I suspect this user is not a complete novice. But still having problems.
"Orange light means charging but laptop is not charging". The advice given? Try unplugging it, try a new battery or re-install the O/S - this is light years ahead of Windows troubleshooting, I'm referring to Windows 3.1 obviously.
You can find these and other snippets on the official Apple Mac Support Site http://discussions.apple.com/category.jspa?categoryID=218. It would be a cheap shot to say "well if the Apple is so fucking reliable why does it need a helpdesk?", it's clever marketing and shiny lids, that's what sells apples.
So in the end it doesn't matter how much you spend or what you spend it on. The important thing is not to get upset when it doesn't work. For you, "it" will never work.
The Buddha teaches that acceptance is the first step to enlightenment, he's right, it's a step forward, the two steps backwards are for arrogance (me) and the next one forward is humility (you at the typewriter shop), then two steps backwards again for merciless taunting, one step forward for punching an arrogant twat, both take two steps back for brawling in a typewriter shop and finally six steps forward for me for being right about everything all the time and ten steps backwards for you because I said so. I win again.
But that's not all the Buddha teaches, he is also attributed with these delightful pearls of wisdom which have become part of our world culture and heritage:
"You wanted a fucking dog, now take the bastard out for a walk!"
"I fuckin' hate peas"
"Jesus! If you knew the first one was runny why did you crack the second one idiot?" - talking about boiled eggs
oh wait, now that I think of it, it wasn't the Buddha, that was my dad talking. I still remember him sometimes. He isn't dead, but he will be eventually.
Giblets,
JJ
"MacBook restarts when closing the lid", it's supposed to go to sleep. The guy took it back to the shop but it worked perfectly there. The advice, given by another user, was "re-load the OS, but you'll lose all your stuff". Sound familiar?
"The mouse gets stuck for a while... just frozen then after about 30 seconds it moves" but it's so shiny, how can it not work perfectly?
"DVD not playing in domestic machine", fairly straightforward, he loves the iMovie software but the finished DVD's don't play on his DVD player. So, it's just a frisbee maker then isn't it?
"Macbook not sleeping or wakes up with slightest movement - I am sleepless", there were a few like this, planning fifth trip to the shop in ten months. It doesn't seem to occur to him to leave the wretched thing outside the bedroom, never mind. Some of the "Mac Community" aren't terribly bright are they?
"Connecting to Airport". This lady was happily using her wireless internet at home when Apple sent her an update for Airport software. Goodbye internet connection, hello helpdesk. Curiously, one of the users also suggested "re-install OS but you'll lose all your stuff".
"Target Disk Mode, dragging files, can't do singular file, batches always -1". I suspect this user is not a complete novice. But still having problems.
"Orange light means charging but laptop is not charging". The advice given? Try unplugging it, try a new battery or re-install the O/S - this is light years ahead of Windows troubleshooting, I'm referring to Windows 3.1 obviously.
You can find these and other snippets on the official Apple Mac Support Site http://discussions.apple.com/category.jspa?categoryID=218. It would be a cheap shot to say "well if the Apple is so fucking reliable why does it need a helpdesk?", it's clever marketing and shiny lids, that's what sells apples.
So in the end it doesn't matter how much you spend or what you spend it on. The important thing is not to get upset when it doesn't work. For you, "it" will never work.
The Buddha teaches that acceptance is the first step to enlightenment, he's right, it's a step forward, the two steps backwards are for arrogance (me) and the next one forward is humility (you at the typewriter shop), then two steps backwards again for merciless taunting, one step forward for punching an arrogant twat, both take two steps back for brawling in a typewriter shop and finally six steps forward for me for being right about everything all the time and ten steps backwards for you because I said so. I win again.
But that's not all the Buddha teaches, he is also attributed with these delightful pearls of wisdom which have become part of our world culture and heritage:
"You wanted a fucking dog, now take the bastard out for a walk!"
"I fuckin' hate peas"
"Jesus! If you knew the first one was runny why did you crack the second one idiot?" - talking about boiled eggs
oh wait, now that I think of it, it wasn't the Buddha, that was my dad talking. I still remember him sometimes. He isn't dead, but he will be eventually.
Giblets,
JJ
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Snowball in Gaza
Here's more year-end frolics, but before we start put one of these together:
"Snowball":
2 parts Advocaat (egg-nog, yellow egg based liquor)
Dash of lime cordial
Dash of orange cordial
6 parts lemonade (schwepps)
Rocket version – add 1 part vodka (ok 2, you naughty boy)
You can use fresh orange and lime, it'll tast less like a Labour Club ladies special.
Now reapeat that three or six times depending on the vodka level, by the end you should be ready to put the world to rights. Read on.
Festive spirit my arse, here are the crappyiest ten things of 2008, notwithstanding any late entries by Cliff Richard and the like:
1. Men's Lifestyle. Yet again this pointless topic has spawned a hundred magazine titles this year, despite liberal access to real porn on the web, the genre baffles me to the point of irretrievable tedium
2. Banks. Barely a day goes by when we don't hear about people losing their jobs, and not one single bank manager among them, not one investment broker, who or where are all those people who brought the worlds economy down? Why aren't the odious mongrels in prison?
3. Diesel fuel. It's costs just as much as petrol, the engines are noisy and smelly, it pollutes more than petrol. Keep it for trucks and buses please.
4. The Future Proof computer. With the advent of the disposable laptop I think the concept of the future proof forward compatible pc is proven to be an unmitigated pigs arse, complete with curly tail.
5. Johnathon Ross. Well it's about bloody time that outrageous charlatan was exposed for the blaggard that he is. Whenever he does make a re-appearance it will be too soon for me.
6. The person who left a long scratch on the boot of my car; you are an unashamed coward, show yourself and collect the thrashing that is due to you, you scoundrel
7. Global Warming. This summer was actually marginally worse than last years appalling effort, that Kyoto mob are an absolute shower, what a scandalous waste of money.
8. News coverage of Religious affairs. If you want a Christian view on current affairs you ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, an eminent well spoken man. If you want the Muslim view you ask that nutter from Finsbury Park with a Hook for a hand. Who decided this is balanced reporting? It's ridiculous, the man is a self proclaimed terrorist!
9. Gordon Brown. Well it would be remiss not have one mention of the unconscionable dullard. This man makes John Major look like a first rate strip show, thoroughly riveting no doubt. Is he still wearing his de-mob suit? For heaven's sake!
10. Sunday Newspaper Magazines. "What you eat is what you are?" for the fifty millionth time will you just bugger off with your half-arsed pseudo science. I'm not going to cry and I'm bloody proud of it, useless bunch of milksops.
Ring in the new year I say and not a minute to bloody soon either!
JJ
"Snowball":
2 parts Advocaat (egg-nog, yellow egg based liquor)
Dash of lime cordial
Dash of orange cordial
6 parts lemonade (schwepps)
Rocket version – add 1 part vodka (ok 2, you naughty boy)
You can use fresh orange and lime, it'll tast less like a Labour Club ladies special.
Now reapeat that three or six times depending on the vodka level, by the end you should be ready to put the world to rights. Read on.
Festive spirit my arse, here are the crappyiest ten things of 2008, notwithstanding any late entries by Cliff Richard and the like:
1. Men's Lifestyle. Yet again this pointless topic has spawned a hundred magazine titles this year, despite liberal access to real porn on the web, the genre baffles me to the point of irretrievable tedium
2. Banks. Barely a day goes by when we don't hear about people losing their jobs, and not one single bank manager among them, not one investment broker, who or where are all those people who brought the worlds economy down? Why aren't the odious mongrels in prison?
3. Diesel fuel. It's costs just as much as petrol, the engines are noisy and smelly, it pollutes more than petrol. Keep it for trucks and buses please.
4. The Future Proof computer. With the advent of the disposable laptop I think the concept of the future proof forward compatible pc is proven to be an unmitigated pigs arse, complete with curly tail.
5. Johnathon Ross. Well it's about bloody time that outrageous charlatan was exposed for the blaggard that he is. Whenever he does make a re-appearance it will be too soon for me.
6. The person who left a long scratch on the boot of my car; you are an unashamed coward, show yourself and collect the thrashing that is due to you, you scoundrel
7. Global Warming. This summer was actually marginally worse than last years appalling effort, that Kyoto mob are an absolute shower, what a scandalous waste of money.
8. News coverage of Religious affairs. If you want a Christian view on current affairs you ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, an eminent well spoken man. If you want the Muslim view you ask that nutter from Finsbury Park with a Hook for a hand. Who decided this is balanced reporting? It's ridiculous, the man is a self proclaimed terrorist!
9. Gordon Brown. Well it would be remiss not have one mention of the unconscionable dullard. This man makes John Major look like a first rate strip show, thoroughly riveting no doubt. Is he still wearing his de-mob suit? For heaven's sake!
10. Sunday Newspaper Magazines. "What you eat is what you are?" for the fifty millionth time will you just bugger off with your half-arsed pseudo science. I'm not going to cry and I'm bloody proud of it, useless bunch of milksops.
Ring in the new year I say and not a minute to bloody soon either!
JJ
Friday, 19 December 2008
Me, me, me, me, me, me, I'm the Presi-debt !!!
Here's a bullet point list of things we're going fix in the world before the year end reports are due, it'll be good PR:
1. Make Finland part of Scandinavia, I'm sick of explaining that
2. Make the Falkand Islands part of Wales, it's a sheep thing
3. change February into Febury and Library into Libry, just do it - for America!
4. Cancel this nonsense "World Series" Baseball and teach them to play Cricket
5. Cancel all American sports and Aussie Rules football, learn to play global sports
6. Re-instate Aussie Rules Football, that last bit was just to stop Americans feeling victimised
7. Make New Zealand into the 7th Australian State, it's almost there anyway, its just paperwork now
8. Fidel Castro - give it up dude! move to Florida already
9. Stop this Champagne vs Sparkling Wine garbage, it's the same product. I want South African Champagne, as a consumer I demand it
10. Give Pakistan back to India. They've had sixty years of freedom it's clear they can't cope
11. fill the Isle of White with Chinese people! yay! The Isle of ChinaWhite
12. put polar bears on the Antarctic, because we need new nature documentaries, yay! polar bears eating penguins
13. Re-instate Chinese monarchy in Honk Kong, yay! King Kong!
14. Send more donkeys to Hong Kong, yay! Donkey Kong!
The problem with having a black president is you can't mock him without thinking "is that racist? will people think I'm racist?", fucking no fun boring talk-a-lot dried up twat president.
Hmmm... see you can't call me a racist, I've earned me a banana.
Doh! I'm not racist dammit! I saved the world not Gordon Brown, why can't he see that?!
JJ
1. Make Finland part of Scandinavia, I'm sick of explaining that
2. Make the Falkand Islands part of Wales, it's a sheep thing
3. change February into Febury and Library into Libry, just do it - for America!
4. Cancel this nonsense "World Series" Baseball and teach them to play Cricket
5. Cancel all American sports and Aussie Rules football, learn to play global sports
6. Re-instate Aussie Rules Football, that last bit was just to stop Americans feeling victimised
7. Make New Zealand into the 7th Australian State, it's almost there anyway, its just paperwork now
8. Fidel Castro - give it up dude! move to Florida already
9. Stop this Champagne vs Sparkling Wine garbage, it's the same product. I want South African Champagne, as a consumer I demand it
10. Give Pakistan back to India. They've had sixty years of freedom it's clear they can't cope
11. fill the Isle of White with Chinese people! yay! The Isle of ChinaWhite
12. put polar bears on the Antarctic, because we need new nature documentaries, yay! polar bears eating penguins
13. Re-instate Chinese monarchy in Honk Kong, yay! King Kong!
14. Send more donkeys to Hong Kong, yay! Donkey Kong!
The problem with having a black president is you can't mock him without thinking "is that racist? will people think I'm racist?", fucking no fun boring talk-a-lot dried up twat president.
Hmmm... see you can't call me a racist, I've earned me a banana.
Doh! I'm not racist dammit! I saved the world not Gordon Brown, why can't he see that?!
JJ
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