I don't know where you stand on this whole nativity lark but I reckon Joseph is The Man by any definition. Not only did he get Mary pregnant but he got away with it, how? He blamed God. Unbelievable! This man has more front than Blackpool, Brighton and Weston-Super-Mare put together.
For the rest of the story he plays the humble carpenter, helping Mary to find some digs and so on. Are we supposed to believe he just did this out of the goodness of his heart? No guilt trip going on there then, he's just a jolly decent chap helping out the luckless Mary Mother of God. I can see how he could trick an innocent young girl; sex education wasn't widespread in those days, nor was any other sort of education. "I just have to put this in here to help the swelling. I learned it from a travelling faith healer, Chinese I think, they're very clever the Chinese". A month later the swelling finally subsided when Mary honked all over the duvet.
It's the next bit that doesn't fit, how do you get from morning sickness to virgin birth? Again, convincing the gormless Mary Mother of God is the easy bit, "errrmm... the er like holy ghost was here, and errr.. you were asleep, I tried to stop him, really, but he's like really scary and stuff. Errr...huhu, you'd better wash those sheets", "No way Joseph, they're your sheets, your mom should wash 'em", "It's your barf buttmunch, I'm gonna kick your ass", "I'm gonna kick your ass". Yes it should read like a script from Beavis and Butthead. I can see those two idiots going along with it but how did he convince the neighbours let alone anyone else? What Holy Ghost? It didn't exist until then, he just made it up to blame someone else for the Mary's condition.
That's the true miracle of Christmas, Joseph scored, blamed God and got away with it. Well good luck to him. Here we are, two thousand years later, sitting around the kitchen table drinking egg-nog because Joseph couldn't face up to his responsibility and he didn't have the balls to do a runner.
Jesus was far more likely to be Joseph's son that God's, as you can read later in The Book. Fair enough him telling the prostitute Mary Magdalene to go reform herself, but then why does she keep popping up later in the story? Is it really necessary to have a hooker* hanging around The Saviour and twelve other men who left their wives to go on a road trip? Unless it was a rugby tour*, I'd say no, the boy was clearly influenced by his old fella*.
Why isn't Joseph's story told? I can think of a few fellas who could have used his ideas. Anyway, go Joseph! Patron Saint of The Lads!
JJ
*Hooker is one of the playing positions in Rugby. Not withstanding that both types of hookers are usually required on a rubgy tour
*Old fella refers to Joseph at the same as being a metaphor for the One Eyed Trouser Snake. Well, how do you refer to the Son of God's appendage? It's not something to be taken lightly, Mary can vouch for that, I meant Magdalene not the other one**.
**It was Oedipus doing the horizontal dance with mother (now that was one fucked up individual)
Monday, 24 December 2007
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Smog Alert!
Yesterday evening we had smog alerts in downtown Brussels.
This morning it looks foggy, I suppose that must be it. But flippin' eck it's cold, -4.5! Luckily it hasn't rained for almost a week so there isn't much ice but still someone "binned it" in a rented white van, the Avenue Tervuren was backed up a good long way. I think that's the only time I've seen it like that on the way to work, it's usually blocked going the other way. But I don't go the other way.
Talking of cold fronts. The Belgians, by order of His Majesty, have finally formed a government. Sort of, it's an interim measure to last until 23rd March, thus proving once again the stupendous powers of the Belgians to "do it later". That'll just give them two and bit months to make it a full calendar year sans Government. I wonder if there's a record for this sort of thing? If any country deserves the record for doing nothing for the longest time ever, I think it should be my adoptive homeland, Belgium. I'm buggered as to why these people don't play cricket, surely to God this is one place where people have got time for series of five day tests.
It's been a slow day, the trees outside are getting whiter, the smog seems to be settling on them. There's no smog in outer space but there are other things, according to the Beeb yesterday a black hole in galaxy 3C321, 1.4 million light years away is blasting a jet of particles and radiation on to another nearby galaxy. That's worse than smog. If you want to know how many nuclear bomb equivalents it is, forget it, the universe laughs at such comparison. Any man-made nasty, compared to a jet blast from a supermassive black hole, isn't even a fart in a bag.
Talking of space, only 22 days left until the arrival of The Silver Machine, I hope it really does glide sideways through time. Either that or it has winter tyres for the trip to Baden Baden - remember that? Where the England team camped for the 2006 world cup, yes we're going there for a party the week after The Delivery. As I'm going with girlfriend I might stand better chance of scoring than England did (sorry, but I really am going to Baden-Baden, I had to use that line I might never get another chance). Anyway, that's a good line by most sports writing standards, I could have said it's known for its baths and spa's and so, like the England team, I'm looking forward to being taken to the cleaners. But there's more to it than that, there's also the famous Baden-Baden Casino where you can also spend ninety minutes or more sweating nervously like a headless chicken caught in the headlights just to walk away without even the shirt you came in.
Ok now, that's enough cheesy sports coverage for one day, go home.
Go on, bugger off!
JJ
This morning it looks foggy, I suppose that must be it. But flippin' eck it's cold, -4.5! Luckily it hasn't rained for almost a week so there isn't much ice but still someone "binned it" in a rented white van, the Avenue Tervuren was backed up a good long way. I think that's the only time I've seen it like that on the way to work, it's usually blocked going the other way. But I don't go the other way.
Talking of cold fronts. The Belgians, by order of His Majesty, have finally formed a government. Sort of, it's an interim measure to last until 23rd March, thus proving once again the stupendous powers of the Belgians to "do it later". That'll just give them two and bit months to make it a full calendar year sans Government. I wonder if there's a record for this sort of thing? If any country deserves the record for doing nothing for the longest time ever, I think it should be my adoptive homeland, Belgium. I'm buggered as to why these people don't play cricket, surely to God this is one place where people have got time for series of five day tests.
It's been a slow day, the trees outside are getting whiter, the smog seems to be settling on them. There's no smog in outer space but there are other things, according to the Beeb yesterday a black hole in galaxy 3C321, 1.4 million light years away is blasting a jet of particles and radiation on to another nearby galaxy. That's worse than smog. If you want to know how many nuclear bomb equivalents it is, forget it, the universe laughs at such comparison. Any man-made nasty, compared to a jet blast from a supermassive black hole, isn't even a fart in a bag.
Talking of space, only 22 days left until the arrival of The Silver Machine, I hope it really does glide sideways through time. Either that or it has winter tyres for the trip to Baden Baden - remember that? Where the England team camped for the 2006 world cup, yes we're going there for a party the week after The Delivery. As I'm going with girlfriend I might stand better chance of scoring than England did (sorry, but I really am going to Baden-Baden, I had to use that line I might never get another chance). Anyway, that's a good line by most sports writing standards, I could have said it's known for its baths and spa's and so, like the England team, I'm looking forward to being taken to the cleaners. But there's more to it than that, there's also the famous Baden-Baden Casino where you can also spend ninety minutes or more sweating nervously like a headless chicken caught in the headlights just to walk away without even the shirt you came in.
Ok now, that's enough cheesy sports coverage for one day, go home.
Go on, bugger off!
JJ
Monday, 17 December 2007
Rock Lobster
What a week! Led Zeppelin and The Spice Girls are back!
I would've gone to see them but I went to meet some folks at the christmas market in Aachen instead. Life's like that, one mans wheat is another man's chaff, I'm even developing a taste for "glue-wine".
As it is christmas you can get your Elvis Presley Duck's here and for the more discerning shopper; Arse Face Soap, it's about time somebody invented that.
As if that isn't enough you could sign up your loved one to the Jordan Fan Club Mailing List here, just imagine the look on her face! It'll be just like that time you bought her a home brew kit.
If your relationship is beyond that phase, ie you are still together, there's plenty more giving to do: this little beauty i-Cybot can carry a drinks can and sweep the floor at the same time, finally a practical use for "science". Maybe next year they'll make one that cooks and well, does other things too.
But if you really want to get into the spirit, check out the Jesus Action Figure, it's a bargain at under ten dollars. Or, if you don't want to get into the spirit, get yourself a Devil's Action Figure from good old Amazon.
If christmas isn't your thing then you might want to check out the Osama Bin Laden Action Set, I don't know where you can buy it but I think there's no lower age limit so it's quite a flexible gift.
Finally, if you really want to go the extra mile (1.6 kilometres), you can buy an acre of land on The Moon here. I'm not sure where you go for planning permission, try The Clangers, good luck.
Happy Shopping!
JJ
I would've gone to see them but I went to meet some folks at the christmas market in Aachen instead. Life's like that, one mans wheat is another man's chaff, I'm even developing a taste for "glue-wine".
As it is christmas you can get your Elvis Presley Duck's here and for the more discerning shopper; Arse Face Soap, it's about time somebody invented that.
As if that isn't enough you could sign up your loved one to the Jordan Fan Club Mailing List here, just imagine the look on her face! It'll be just like that time you bought her a home brew kit.
If your relationship is beyond that phase, ie you are still together, there's plenty more giving to do: this little beauty i-Cybot can carry a drinks can and sweep the floor at the same time, finally a practical use for "science". Maybe next year they'll make one that cooks and well, does other things too.
But if you really want to get into the spirit, check out the Jesus Action Figure, it's a bargain at under ten dollars. Or, if you don't want to get into the spirit, get yourself a Devil's Action Figure from good old Amazon.
If christmas isn't your thing then you might want to check out the Osama Bin Laden Action Set, I don't know where you can buy it but I think there's no lower age limit so it's quite a flexible gift.
Finally, if you really want to go the extra mile (1.6 kilometres), you can buy an acre of land on The Moon here. I'm not sure where you go for planning permission, try The Clangers, good luck.
Happy Shopping!
JJ
Sunday, 9 December 2007
Monster Raving Christmas Curry Party
So the Seasonal Party season begins with the Brussels Bloggers Bash and not a single little green cabbage-like vegetable in sight, we went for a curried buffet instead. It wasn't planned as a statement of political correctness and I personally am not at all offended by LGC-LVs, I even eat them when it isn't, you know, "mid-winter festival".
How can the PC world sleep with themselves after spending a day spouting this nonsense? Do they really talk like this at home? I hope not. I eat sprouts all the time and I don't feel the need to explode on public transport. On top of which I've maintained a healthy grasp of all the worlds stereotypes; the circumspect, the bearded and the confessors. Actually I'm a bit hazy on the whole Protestant v Catholic bit, what's the difference? Which is the one that bans women from standing at the front and then makes the men wear dresses? What a peculiar caper, maybe I've mixed it up with a pantomine.
But that's not all, the mid-winter festival existed long before Christmas so this isn't PC-ness gone mad, it's truth. The whole Christmas thing is made up, mid-winter festival is pagan, so what now? "Year End Celebration Day" Does anyone have the slightest clue just what it is we're supposed to be celebrating now? Does it matter? Maybe this is the future, everything described by bland harmless names for things we used to care about.
That was just one of the many bit's and pieces we talked about, I won't re-tell the whole evening because I can't remember. But there was one other thing, Elaib was bit miffed about not having a fatwa issued on him (against him?). So, with it being Christmas and all I thought I could help him out, here goes:
"For the heinous crime of impersonating Eliab Harvey, taking his name in vein, and the secondary misdemeanour of mis-spelling Eliab; I hereby call on the people of Hempstead Heath to take one mighty Oak and beat the false satanic Elaib mercilessly with it until he confesses and then carry on beating him mercilessly until he's dead and again for a good long time even after he's dead. The last beating is unnecessary but that's what I've decreed, it's my fatwa and anyone who disagrees with it must be a servant of Satan and will be next to receive a good thrashing. So, you people of Hempstead Heath had better get on with it, pronto. Or you can take your time, Salman hasn't had his yet so there's no rush really. Oh and don't worry too much about the confession part, if he doesn't confess just move on to the second and third merciless beatings otherwise you'll be there all night."
I think that's fairly standard phrasing for a fatwa. Anyway, it was a splendid do, I finally got to meet some Brussels Bloggers and had a jolly good night. The do finally ended in the Joyce shortly after the knockout of Ricky Hatton. Makes a change to watch someone else fall over in the pub. Boxing is a bit taboo (horrible word) these days too isn't it? Or maybe it's just in countries that don't win.
All together now, "Onward Christian So-ho-ldiers...", oh come on it's Christmas for heaven's sake. Note to heathens (inc. self); Christmas is rightly spelt with a capital 'c', stop complaining and pull a cracker or something.
Goodnight Seattle,
JJ
How can the PC world sleep with themselves after spending a day spouting this nonsense? Do they really talk like this at home? I hope not. I eat sprouts all the time and I don't feel the need to explode on public transport. On top of which I've maintained a healthy grasp of all the worlds stereotypes; the circumspect, the bearded and the confessors. Actually I'm a bit hazy on the whole Protestant v Catholic bit, what's the difference? Which is the one that bans women from standing at the front and then makes the men wear dresses? What a peculiar caper, maybe I've mixed it up with a pantomine.
But that's not all, the mid-winter festival existed long before Christmas so this isn't PC-ness gone mad, it's truth. The whole Christmas thing is made up, mid-winter festival is pagan, so what now? "Year End Celebration Day" Does anyone have the slightest clue just what it is we're supposed to be celebrating now? Does it matter? Maybe this is the future, everything described by bland harmless names for things we used to care about.
That was just one of the many bit's and pieces we talked about, I won't re-tell the whole evening because I can't remember. But there was one other thing, Elaib was bit miffed about not having a fatwa issued on him (against him?). So, with it being Christmas and all I thought I could help him out, here goes:
"For the heinous crime of impersonating Eliab Harvey, taking his name in vein, and the secondary misdemeanour of mis-spelling Eliab; I hereby call on the people of Hempstead Heath to take one mighty Oak and beat the false satanic Elaib mercilessly with it until he confesses and then carry on beating him mercilessly until he's dead and again for a good long time even after he's dead. The last beating is unnecessary but that's what I've decreed, it's my fatwa and anyone who disagrees with it must be a servant of Satan and will be next to receive a good thrashing. So, you people of Hempstead Heath had better get on with it, pronto. Or you can take your time, Salman hasn't had his yet so there's no rush really. Oh and don't worry too much about the confession part, if he doesn't confess just move on to the second and third merciless beatings otherwise you'll be there all night."
I think that's fairly standard phrasing for a fatwa. Anyway, it was a splendid do, I finally got to meet some Brussels Bloggers and had a jolly good night. The do finally ended in the Joyce shortly after the knockout of Ricky Hatton. Makes a change to watch someone else fall over in the pub. Boxing is a bit taboo (horrible word) these days too isn't it? Or maybe it's just in countries that don't win.
All together now, "Onward Christian So-ho-ldiers...", oh come on it's Christmas for heaven's sake. Note to heathens (inc. self); Christmas is rightly spelt with a capital 'c', stop complaining and pull a cracker or something.
Goodnight Seattle,
JJ
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
Happy Feet
I forgot to fill in the sandwich order this morning so I had to get a sandwich from the gas station (the same one that poisoned me during the 2006 world cup). There I noticed Humo is giving away "Happy Feet" and that somehow stoked my boiler.
Anyone who is about to say "Happy Feet is one of those really clever kids films that adults can watch too", shut, the fuck, up.
I've seen Shark's Tale and Finding Nemo, these films are for children under 10, and that's all. I can understand parents enjoying these films, I expect your children dominate the TV and 90% of what you watch is aimed at children. The reality is, you have become attuned to that level. Childrens films haven't changed, you have changed, but of course you can't see it.
But it's not just parents, single people are peddling this horseshit too. But what kind of single people? Is it the same people who are suffering from the "obesety epidemic"? up to their eyes in debt and still living with their parents well into their thirties. There is a school of thought that a whole new group of society is spawning thirty something people with the mentality of teenagers. These people have never had to work for anything and so they simply don't grow up.
Well it makes perfect sense to me. The whole notion of films being multi-layered is "big daddy pants with skid marks". If it's true that films work in multi-layers like this then please send your kid's to my place and we'll watch the "Saw" films together, or Seven, Van Helsing etc. I've got a whole collection of films which are not suitable for kids which I why I know HAPPY FEET IS A FUCKING CHILDRENS FILM.
But while I'm on the subject I'll have a dig a couple of other charlatans who deserve everything they get (they get rich but that's not what I meant). Firstly, of course, JK Rowling. Author of CHILDRENS BOOKS, shit ones. Not one single original idea. There are some people, on this planet, who think JKR has a deep understanding of the Occult and Pagan Ritual. It's mainly people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about; people who's experience of the Occult is limited to The Daily Shite's horoscope section. Of course! It can only be these slow witted dunderheads who are buying "Harry Potter and The Bollocks Talking Shit Peddler" in their droves. Marketing people worked out decades ago the best way to make people buy something they don't want or need is to just keep saying to them "this is really good, you want this", that's what's happened to all you Harry Potter reading adults.
Next; Dan Brown. CHARLATAN! This brazen plagiarist had the bloody nerve to stand up in court and claim he didn't copy the entire Da Vinci story from the eighties book "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail". Lies! Why can't he admit it? HBHG is non-fiction, he would be perfectly entitled to quote it as research for a book of fiction. Only problem is, it isn't a few paragraphs here and there, it's the entire bloody book! I laughed my hat off when I heard the Hollywood writer's strike has delayed the movie production of his next dirge. The "prequel" no less, is there anything original in his sorry horses arse of a repertoire?
Well, I'm happy now, I might take the penguin out my arse and sit down.
JJ
Anyone who is about to say "Happy Feet is one of those really clever kids films that adults can watch too", shut, the fuck, up.
I've seen Shark's Tale and Finding Nemo, these films are for children under 10, and that's all. I can understand parents enjoying these films, I expect your children dominate the TV and 90% of what you watch is aimed at children. The reality is, you have become attuned to that level. Childrens films haven't changed, you have changed, but of course you can't see it.
But it's not just parents, single people are peddling this horseshit too. But what kind of single people? Is it the same people who are suffering from the "obesety epidemic"? up to their eyes in debt and still living with their parents well into their thirties. There is a school of thought that a whole new group of society is spawning thirty something people with the mentality of teenagers. These people have never had to work for anything and so they simply don't grow up.
Well it makes perfect sense to me. The whole notion of films being multi-layered is "big daddy pants with skid marks". If it's true that films work in multi-layers like this then please send your kid's to my place and we'll watch the "Saw" films together, or Seven, Van Helsing etc. I've got a whole collection of films which are not suitable for kids which I why I know HAPPY FEET IS A FUCKING CHILDRENS FILM.
But while I'm on the subject I'll have a dig a couple of other charlatans who deserve everything they get (they get rich but that's not what I meant). Firstly, of course, JK Rowling. Author of CHILDRENS BOOKS, shit ones. Not one single original idea. There are some people, on this planet, who think JKR has a deep understanding of the Occult and Pagan Ritual. It's mainly people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about; people who's experience of the Occult is limited to The Daily Shite's horoscope section. Of course! It can only be these slow witted dunderheads who are buying "Harry Potter and The Bollocks Talking Shit Peddler" in their droves. Marketing people worked out decades ago the best way to make people buy something they don't want or need is to just keep saying to them "this is really good, you want this", that's what's happened to all you Harry Potter reading adults.
Next; Dan Brown. CHARLATAN! This brazen plagiarist had the bloody nerve to stand up in court and claim he didn't copy the entire Da Vinci story from the eighties book "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail". Lies! Why can't he admit it? HBHG is non-fiction, he would be perfectly entitled to quote it as research for a book of fiction. Only problem is, it isn't a few paragraphs here and there, it's the entire bloody book! I laughed my hat off when I heard the Hollywood writer's strike has delayed the movie production of his next dirge. The "prequel" no less, is there anything original in his sorry horses arse of a repertoire?
Well, I'm happy now, I might take the penguin out my arse and sit down.
JJ
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