Wednesday, 22 April 2009

The Low Down

Ok sonny boy, don't crack wise with me, 'cos I've got the low down on you, see?

I think it comes from "The Low Down and Dirty Truth", which is a form of sensationalist journalism practised in the fifties when Clark Kent and Jimmy what's-his-name were still closet monkey-spankers. "Monkey-spanker" works on two levels, like cockney rhyming slang for "Merchant" meaning Merchant Banker = Wanker. Which is also what the term directly implies in American slang, see how much we have in common? (can you edit out a tone of desperation? please?)

Sensationalist journalism died in the seventies with the rise of news agencies. Today, the majority of "journos" just copy and paste the news agency releases into their rags and piss off to the pub. That's my opinion as an ignorant layman. No, ignorant layabout. No, wannabee journo (hah haaa!)

Ok, there are sensationalists a few left, but like most of us, most journalists just want to do their job, keep their job, and piss off to the pub. Actually, it was always like that, there is a popular movie stereotype of a Bloodhound battling The System, but really - name one. Apart from Deep Throat.

It's really difficult making a link from Deep Throat, where can I go from there? Deep Pockets? Sore Throat? Imagine if you got warts in your throat from oral sex, is that even possible? Probably not if you were doing it to a woman, they don't give anything away.

I wonder if there is medical precedent, I suppose I could Google it and paste a link here, but why research when you can publish idle speculation? or Idol Speculation. Is there a God of oral wart infections? If so, what kind of fucked up religion is that? And what happened to Billy Idol? Last I heard he binned his Harley on Sunset Boulevard and broke every bone in his ego, I think he's still alive but is he singing? Why wasn't he wearing a helmet? Why wasn't he in Sigue Sigue Sputnik? Did he have a spat with Tony James? It's easy to speculate, yes Generation X broke up but why?

I'm angry now, I get really wound up at times like this. Why aren't people queuing up outside parliament to find out where Siouxie and the Banshees went? (I know they went to Whitby but that's not the point) Why should I waste my time sorting plastic fucking coke bottles from newspapers to put in different coloured bins when the government obviously doesn't give a flying fug about the issues I care about? I've abstained from several elections (as is my right under a democratic system) and what am I getting in return? Diddly!

I give up. I'm not even going to abstain anymore, I'm going to move abroad and get disenfranchised. Ok, I've already done that but that doesn't give you free reign to devalue the sentiment (read it again I'll wait). Yes, yes, patronising, I'll be that before you can call me a stripey Leopard. And afterwards.

I can't go on like this, I'm going to bed, I'm sorry but I'm just too annoyed about The (whole) Damned thing now. Again Whitby, it's the Dracula thing isn't it?

I'll tell you what's really fucking ironic, I moved to Brussels and got disenfranchised (It means I don't have a vote, but check the spelling). Brussels!? I see "those people" every day, I live amongst them, we go to the same bars, but I don't vote for them, or any national government, nor local authority, I don't know how to anymore. I'm desperately trying to learn French to get back in the system.

Do you know why there is a 90% turnout for European Parliament Elections in Belgium? Because registration is optional but once you register they fine you 50 euro if you don't vote. There are ten people on the electoral register, one is dead, the other nine are Members of European Parliament.

Democracy my arse. I found out today that a standard Bacardi-and-Diet-Coke has the same amount of calories as an apple, 53. Why do they publish this information? What if a kick in the bollocks had the same motivational effect as a kiss?

I suppose it depends what you want to get done. Like cause and effect; if you buy me a drink I'll kiss you, if give me an apple you'll get a less favourable response.



Gorilla Bananas said...

Deep Rectum. And you should be grateful for an apple.

Joliet Jake said...

no, no, no, not here matey. I've got apples, I don't need apple bribery