Friday, 27 April 2007

Generic News #1

Hollywood Actor in vicious Nightclub Brawl

In shock revelations today, a once Oscar nominated sex symbol heart-throb actor was pictured throwing an appallingly girly punch at a respected (sic) member of the press.

A spokesman said the girly punch was thrown "in the direction of" an extremely aggressive individual who did not clearly identity himself as a member of the press, in fact he may not have been a member of the press. He went on to comment that it was "highly unlikely" that the "punch" would have caused any damage given that the actor in question is known to be shagging his manicurist, who may or may not be female.

The Bishop of Bath and Wells was reported to Say "I'm not drunk. I was just trying to buy a bottle of champagne for my friend to help celebrate his birthday"

It is not Known whether this or anything else the Bishop says is relevant here, or anywhere else. He was in Swansea at the time of the disturbance, no one knows where he is now.

In heated scenes outside the infamous Python Room, no-one had to restrain the actor as he babbled incoherently, vomitted and fell over. There was chaos and mass confusion in the ranks of press as the assembled paparazzi looked at each other, bemused. One allegedly said "was that supposed to be an punch or did he just fall over?"

The actor is well known for his portrayal of a giant half-man half-machine half pot-plant which takes on the entire Iraqi Revolutionary Guard in "Robo Geek : Sheesh, that Hurts" Parts 1,2 and 4. Part 3 was controversially held back by the studios after allegations it contained nuts and/or celery, also know as The Evil One (in the vegetable world). In real life the actor is 4ft 8 and has the social graces of a three year old. A three year old baboon, that is.

A police spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, said "No one has been arrested although the actor is helping the local PD with their enquiries. Normally there has to be a complaint before we arrest someone, the only complaint we received at the scene was that there aren't enough real celebrities in the Python Room these days."

A close relative or friend of the actor said "He's like, real sick you know, he has issues and stuff. So he had a drink, it's not a crime! We all love him very much and were gonna, you know, support him and stuff? and make sure he gets into Betty Ford's ok? I really hope they can help him to get his head out of his ass, I might get that done too".

The owners of the Python Room were not available for comment but released the following statement through their lawyers "Yeah, he was all goofed up on Pissweiser n' pretzels, said he can't find no work. Since the war an' all, the studio ain't making no hard-man movies no more. I guess he's all washed up now."

There might be more news tomorrow, but it's unlikely.

JJ

5 comments:

Aunty Marianne said...

Yes, very Insert Name of Current Washed-Out Actor.

On the other hand, having disgraced himself sufficiently to bring himself back into the public eye, our boyo can now cleave to Scientology, knock up a starlet and make a Tarantino movie, all of which, as we know, can lead to Jonathan Ross and Hello! magazine.

You see, it's all in the plan.

Tippler said...

Yeah, but what about the baked beans?

Eh?

Drama Queen said...

Yep all been planned out by some clever spin DRs. Better to be talked about than not at all.

Thanks for the goss anyway, saves me paying to import Heat mag this week. . .

JolietJake said...

yes let's all knock up a starlet, good idea aunty m.

what about the baked beans? try this - home made egg and baked bean curry. that's what mum used to give us for treat or when there was no real food in the house, I still make it sometimes.

dq - don't forget to re-read it in six to eight weeks, got to keep up with the goss!

JolietJake said...

Just look at what's on Reuters today:

Boy George Arrested on Assault Charge

Excellent!