Trains, Planes and Muppets

In the security check there was a couple in front of us who were looking sheepish from being reprimanded for something as we arrived. Apparently they hadn't had enough yet; bags went in the tunnel, came back out, "there's a jar of liquid in there, please take it out". Bags went in, bags came back "there's an electronic device with a hard disk", the second security lady exhasperated "you gotta be kidding me!", bags went in, bags came out "can you just wait to one side and let the others through".

So what did I do? Engrossed in this entertainment, walked through the metal detector with mobile phone in pocket, brilliant! I took my hat off, not only to them but to myself too. It's not often I wear a hat, I once heard that baldness is caused by the wearing of hats. Doesn't make sense, why don't everyones pubes fall out then? I mean not because of hats but the covering up.

My girfriends sister bought us two decorative heat resistant mats for christmas, they're good, not too festive so we can use them all year round. A couple of years ago we bought her two folding heat resistant things for the table, not quite mats but very practical, easy to store.

I've got a large insulated coffee/tea mug with a lid on it, stamped "Fujitsu" on the side. It's good but the tea tastes plasticky after a while. We've got a metal bread bin too, problem with that is it traps moisture so it's not as good a wooden one. We should replace it but it's quite stylish so it seems a shame to get rid of it.

We picked up some posh cruets from a shop on the coast a while back, we use them for salt and massala instead of pepper but the massala tends to get stuck because it's much coarser than pepper. Coarser than white pepper anywhey.

We still haven't put those pictures up from when we moved, or the big mirror. We're going for dinner tonight, with The Germans to an Italian. It's because we didn't play badminton last night, with the hollidays and everything we just didn't get organised so we've deciced to have dinner instead. And the showers are broken at the gym.

Our area's going to be a blue zone for parking, we just got the notice through yesterday. They did warn us ages ago so we've already got our parking permits. It'll mean disruption though as they put up the signs and ticket machines. It's because of the metro stops, people park their cars here and go into the city to work or whatever they do, the residents were complaining. We didn't complain, we're new here, I expect it was that Goth who lives on the corner. He seems the type to make a fuss.

I think I'll wear my new shoes to dinner.

JJ

Cat Bath

Having a cat was huge responsibility at seven, first thing I did was take the cat to the vet:

vet: hello, what do we have here then?
JJ: It's a cat
vet: I see, you know you probably shouldn't carry it around in a plastic shopping bag, you should get a cat basket
JJ: ok, I'll ask dad
vet: Is it a boy or a girl?
JJ: dunno
vet: what's it's name then?
JJ: dunno, my dad brought it, they didn't say
vet: you'll have to give it a name. We'll he looks fine, I'll give him this vaccination then you can take him home
JJ: what does it eat?
vet: cat food
JJ: do we have to give him a bath?
vet: not usually, maybe once or twice a year if it gets really dirty
JJ: thank you

Six months later I rounded up my brothers and we ran a bath for the cat. We just filled the tub a dropped the cat in, the cat didn't even touch the water, let out an fierce scream and bolted for the door. I was completely baffled, surely the cat realised it was bath time? After some debate we decided that cat's don't like bath time. But the vet had said it had to be done, we wanted a second opinion but we didn't fancy spending hard earned pocket money on another visit to the vet. So, we went to the library, all kids library books clearly state you have to give the cat a bath.

A week later the cat returned. This time we bolted the bathroom door and organised ourselves; two to hold down the screaming lunatic and one to apply the shampoo. It didn't say in any of the books what sort of soap one should use on a cat so we reasoned it ought to be shampoo - it's all hair, out came the Head and Shoulders. We decided that lather and rinse was enough, "repeat" would not be necessary. It was strange that we had never read shampoo instructions before, now it seemed important but there was nothing there about cats. "Avoid contact with eyes - may cause irritation", irritation? The cat was already incandescent with rage, this comment seemed a somewhat redundant, what sort of an idiot would shampoo in a cat's eye anyway?

Cat's really don't like water, and they like even less being held in the water and shampooed. This one decided the fair response would be to skin our hands and arms with it's claws, which it did very well. But eventually, the job was done and we all went off to our respective corners to lick our wounds. Made a mental note to wear gloves next time, gardening gloves might work or those white gauntlets you get with bio-nuclear hazard suits. Another week went by before normality was returned.

Another six months went by before the second and final bath night for this cat. Don't get me wrong, the cat survived, so did we. The things is cat's aren't like dogs, they have a certain away of looking at you, like "Is that how it's going to be? ok, fine, we'll do it your way", if you've ever been married you'll know what I mean. We just gave up on cat bath night after that.

Some years later the cat died of a suspected road accident, there were no witnesses. It was sad, we'd been through a lot together. But then it meant we could get a dog, that's how it is when you're seven, "Dad the cat died, can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy?" and so on. It worked eventually and then we had some real adventures...

JJ

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Childhood

Hello, can I have one of those?
How much money have you got?
One pee
You need two pee for that one
But I've only got one pee
It's not enough
Can I give you one pee tomorrow?
No
Then what have you got for one pee?
You can have one of these
But those are really small
That's what you get for one pee
What if I come back when I have another pee?
We'll be shut at six
what time is it now?
Half past four
How many minutes is it left?
One hour thirty
I think I can make it but will you keep one of those for me
Yeh ok, whatever
Don't just say it because I'm really going to come back
Ok really, I'll keep it
Dad can I have one pee?
No, get inside and wash up for dinner
But I just need one pee
Do as you're told, get inside.

JJ

Food and Drugs

In America food is the same as drugs and they have one agency to control them both, the FDA. In January 2008 the FDA gave clearance to put cloned animals in the food chain. That would've raised a stink if someone died from it. Isn't this the same as experimenting on humans? I don't recall any trials of cloned animal food, they went straight to the shelf.

Saw that Sarah Palin's sister-in-law Diana was arrested for burglary. That's a scary family, do you think people would stop attacking America if the Palin family was in the whitehouse?

Gotcha! I tricked you, "people" stopped attacking America in 2001. In fact there was only one attack. Let's face it, it was an isolated incident. What the hell is wrong with these people going around attacking countries in the name of self defence? No country has ever attacked America, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour doesn't count, that was like a fox stealing a chicken and saying "I'll have the whole farm by the weekend m-----f-----". Sorry but I don't allow foxes to use expletives on my blog, one has to teach those little fuckers some manners or they take over the entire text.

If all of this leaves you feeling less that moved you should try Martha Volchok's colon cleansing recipe here, Martha's a real star in all matters colonic and this super recipe only takes nine days, if only Diana were alive to see this, she loved colonics and all that hippy shit. No not Sarah's sister-in-law, wait a minute, the Princess Diana also had a sister-in-law called Sarah and she was as mad a badger too. Hmmmmmm... or as the Dutch like to put it mhhhhhhh...

Get your Google out and look up Loco Moco, I'll explain later.

JJ

The Pirate Party, Sweden

It's not just the question of freely sharing files and copyrighted material. There's a new law in Sweden around monitoring internet traffic for security sensitive words, like "bloody Norwegians and their oil, we should never have given them freedom". It's the big brother thing. That's what the Pirates are going at, but they have to be real and get proper policy positions on other things too, like the Free Movement Of Workers Between Member Countries of the You-are-Peeing Onion, as a random example.

But in some countries they don't have copyright, like China and India "so what's the downside?" I hear you ask, I'll tell yer. Shit films, cheesy music, that's why they're ripping off western product and every other twat is an Elvis impersonator busy learning Jackson One dance steps.

If there's no copyright law no one will be investing $150 million to make Waterworld. Ok bad example, I don't know what Star Wars cost but it would never have been made if the investors had no protection for their ideas. Same goes for computer software, you say "I should be allowed to install Drug Trade Wars on my mum's laptop, I paid for it" but I say "chill the fuck out, what if I borrowed your Delta Goodrem cd and lent it to someone you've never met, how would you like that?"

Don't rush off to Google now and search for "Drug Trade Wars", I made it up, what kind of sick individual are you anyway? Installing this shit on your mum's laptop.

Usuary Laws - until 1854 it was illegal to charge more than 10% on any form of credit.

Banks have just been bailed out by taxpayers and are now making record profits and taking huge bonuses home in their fancy cars.

"Poor People", who paid the taxes, are still waiting for the economy to recover so that they can find work again.

So why don't the poor people all own bank shares now? Isn't that how capitalism works? Screwing the workers to pay the shareholders. The poor people should now profit from the shares they bought with their tax money, that's the system. If the government get's the profit, they have to reduce taxes right? You see, when it's the fat cats making money from share trades, it's the factory workers who are greasing those trades. In the bank scenario it's the bankers who should be greasing the palms of the shareholders (tax payers). But somehow, the bankers are still taking as much money home as they ever were.

Damn it, do we have a system or not? Surely we aren't just a bunch of peasants being ripped off by the land owners? Is this the middle ages again?

JJ