Tuesday, 8 July 2008

The Last King of Wales

It was a dark and barmy night in downtown Harare, a drunken Inferior Minister was snoring on the couch while the tennis coach made amour with his old lady in the back bedroom. Not many people had tennis lessons at midnight but the minister's missus was a keen student.

It was the fashion of the day to hire young Belgians to entertain the wives while bloated politicians slept off the day's politicking. At the next days Prime Minister's Question Time, the Minister let slip that he was sleeping very well recently. In no time at all the President had passed a motion to sequester said tennis coach to attend to his own housekeeping needs.

For the benefit of hindsight we will now refer to the Belgian Tennis Coach as "Benny" and The President Robert Mugabe will be known as "TC". TC's wife will be called "Choo Choo" and the Chief advisor to the President will be called "Brain". This story will be referred to as "some fucked up shit". I've been wanting to write that line for some time.

Benny was summoned to TC's house. "Welcome to my home Benny, I hear that you are very energetic for a Welshman", "I'm not Welsh, I'm Belgian" Benny was shitting his pants, "What is 'Belgian', I have never heard of such a thing, you must be Welsh Benny so I can also make a film about my greatness in the face of British oppression, like Idi, he is a good actor don't you think?". Benny started to speak but TC just laughed and Brain inserted his Kalashnikov into Benny's ear. That concluded the discussion.

The next day Benny was busy porking Choo Choo when Brain turned up unexpectedly. Brain was insanely jealous because Choo Choo was gorgeous but only TC and his hired hand were allowed to do the dirty. Brain wanted a piece of the action so he pulled out his "nine" and shot Choo Choo from behind in close quarters.

Benny panicked and Brain explained to him "you have to beat TC in a tennis match or I'll tell him you shot Choo Choo in the backside from close quarters. When TC is defeated I'll make sure you can get out safely, otherwise it's curtains for you my little cheese grilling friend." It seemed that Brain was familiar with Welsh Rarebit and although Benny failed to see the relevance he felt intimidated by Brain's ability to make such convoluted threats. It was impressive, even aspiring to South African educational standards. The amazing thing was that a Belgian would be familiar with Rarebit and the South African educational system, but Brain didn't spot that, being local.

Benny tried to salvage a sliver of loyalty, "I have a sworn duty as a ladies tennis coach", "you don't coach men?", "no but my friend does, we can do doubles but it's extra". Brain wasn't in the mood for extras he'd already shot his load into Choo Choo and just wanted to sleep.

The next day the game was on, TC was always looking for new challengers but there weren't many volunteers. "I don't get on the court as often as I'd like" he bantered as he served, "that's because you behead your opponents and torture their families" quipped Benny, "That's a pretty sharp return boyo, perhaps you'd like to make it more interesting. I heard that you and Brain had some fun with my Choo Choo yesterday". Benny lost the point as he looked round and saw Brain being dragged into the director's box, his face a bloody mess.

TC tossed in another one, Benny should have gobbled it up but his nerves were shot, it flew into the air off his rim as the crowd cheered. Brain peered through the blood that seeped into his eyes, he knew his game was up either way.

Benny was all over the place, it went to a third set tie break (they only play three sets under Zimbabwean men's invitational rules). Suddenly Brain charged at the glass front of the directors box, the glass shattered and Brain fell into the crowd as he cried "freedom isn't it Mrs Robinson" (that doesn't require a question mark in Welsh grammar) the umpire called a continuity error but overruled himself and gave the point to TC. Pandemonium broke out, Benny slipped onto a Club Med flight to Cardiff and TC Turned up at the Welsh Assembly with bags of Blood Oranges. The Welsh Assembly took a dim view "Bugger off back to Zimbabwe, you were supposed to bring Blood Diamonds you bloody idiot".

Eeeeh, there's never a dull moment.



Leni Qinan said...

My Welsh is real poor and I could come up with a battery of silly questions you would never want to see in your blog, but I won’t.

Although I’ve been told that neither Google nor Wiki have all the answers, I couldn’t help it. And this is the best I got.


I think I got the idea. I understand the parallel between tennis and politics, but still I couldn’t find the Welsh Belgian, the Welsh Assembly, least of all the Welsh Rarebit there.

Sorry for being far from brilliant, but I promise I racked my brains. You made me think, anyway, and that’s an achievement.

LQ (known as surrealistic author).

JolietJake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JolietJake said...

errmm... it's how you read it I suppose. I was thinking Top Cat versus The Last King of Scotland. The tennis coach was just a convenient "in" for the Belgian. Welsh Belgian was made up to just to get Belgium into the story.

Welsh Assembly is sort of parliament but they don't have as much power as a Government, there is a Scottish Assembly in the same vein.

Welsh Rarebit is Cheese on Toast, or Grilled Cheese.

By the way; that link didn't work so maybe I missed the point of your comment :|

Leni Qinan said...


Thanks a lot for the explanation. I guess it's a bit the language barrier for me and the fact that I was a bit confused by the Welsh references -unfortunately nobody told me about Welsh rarebit when I was in Cardiff (where, btw I was told that the last King of Wales was HM Owain Glyndwr) Now I know something more about Wales.:))

Seriously, these references make a very funny mixture with the regrettable Robert Mugabe and the regrettable way he rules his country. I liked the analogy with the tennis match. It's funny.

My link didn't work? Hm it's a Reuters wire published today by The Internet edition of The Independent: "G8 ready to seek UN sanctions against Zimbabwe" some of the 8 are getting pathetically weak about it, it seems.

So no worries, you didn't miss the point to my previous comment. No way! ;)

JolietJake said...

I didn't know there were 23 countries in the G8, why is it G8?

One day these self important middle managers will get blasted into space. That's what this is, as the world goes into globalisation we are slowly realising that politicians are an unnecessary expense.
Corporations own the money, own the economy and that's what decides if you can buy a house. Western Governments are actually the same as the Middle Eastern ones (eg. Iran), just a bunch of hot air blowers.

SpanishGoth said...

Fucking hell - I've wandered into a 'girls shower' discussion about politics.

1) I speak Welsh fluently, but there isn't a lot of call for it north of the valleys (apart from Patagonia which is a silly country anyway)

2) Welsh Belgian? You illiterate punjabi twat - get me my Spanish shirt you rich bastard

3) Welsh Rarebit is not just cheese on toast you Brummie twat

4) Owain Glyn Dŵr was a Prince of Wales - not a king - we didn't have kings but we liked sheep as they were cuddly

Why G8? because it's a gathering of the Greatest 8 muppets on the planet - to have tea and biscuits and solve nothing

zoe said...

What IS Welsh Rarebit then? I come here to learn about the world and everything that is going on in it and find out that Welsh Rarebit is not cheese on toast. What is it? Cheese under toast? Cheese off toast?

Jesus, JJ, get it right.

Leni Qinan said...

1) Back to the girl’s shower discussion –actually only a shower discussion would be a lot nicer- I always thought G8=France, US, UK, Germany, Japan, Italy, Canada, Russia –who are the other 15?-.

2) Ok, I got your number! So you speak Welsh fluently, like James Bond and Tom Jones? It goes very well with a Spanish shirt.

3) Z, just like you I am very intrigued about the real meaning of the Welsh Rarebit thing. I hope someone can tell us -on/under/off- which part of the toast is the cheese supposed to be.

JolietJake said...

goth: hellooo, you took your time, I know it's got worcestershire sauce and some other gumpf on it. I put branston pickle on mine, yum. What's your problem with Welsh Belgian? It's not real, I made it up.

zoe: it's cheese on toast unless you are some geeky twat who reads wikipeadia

leni: the G8 are a shower, obviously I have never been into a girls shower, because I'm a boy.