It was a dark and barmy night in downtown Harare, a drunken Inferior Minister was snoring on the couch while the tennis coach made amour with his old lady in the back bedroom. Not many people had tennis lessons at midnight but the minister's missus was a keen student.
It was the fashion of the day to hire young Belgians to entertain the wives while bloated politicians slept off the day's politicking. At the next days Prime Minister's Question Time, the Minister let slip that he was sleeping very well recently. In no time at all the President had passed a motion to sequester said tennis coach to attend to his own housekeeping needs.
For the benefit of hindsight we will now refer to the Belgian Tennis Coach as "Benny" and The President Robert Mugabe will be known as "TC". TC's wife will be called "Choo Choo" and the Chief advisor to the President will be called "Brain". This story will be referred to as "some fucked up shit". I've been wanting to write that line for some time.
Benny was summoned to TC's house. "Welcome to my home Benny, I hear that you are very energetic for a Welshman", "I'm not Welsh, I'm Belgian" Benny was shitting his pants, "What is 'Belgian', I have never heard of such a thing, you must be Welsh Benny so I can also make a film about my greatness in the face of British oppression, like Idi, he is a good actor don't you think?". Benny started to speak but TC just laughed and Brain inserted his Kalashnikov into Benny's ear. That concluded the discussion.
The next day Benny was busy porking Choo Choo when Brain turned up unexpectedly. Brain was insanely jealous because Choo Choo was gorgeous but only TC and his hired hand were allowed to do the dirty. Brain wanted a piece of the action so he pulled out his "nine" and shot Choo Choo from behind in close quarters.
Benny panicked and Brain explained to him "you have to beat TC in a tennis match or I'll tell him you shot Choo Choo in the backside from close quarters. When TC is defeated I'll make sure you can get out safely, otherwise it's curtains for you my little cheese grilling friend." It seemed that Brain was familiar with Welsh Rarebit and although Benny failed to see the relevance he felt intimidated by Brain's ability to make such convoluted threats. It was impressive, even aspiring to South African educational standards. The amazing thing was that a Belgian would be familiar with Rarebit and the South African educational system, but Brain didn't spot that, being local.
Benny tried to salvage a sliver of loyalty, "I have a sworn duty as a ladies tennis coach", "you don't coach men?", "no but my friend does, we can do doubles but it's extra". Brain wasn't in the mood for extras he'd already shot his load into Choo Choo and just wanted to sleep.
The next day the game was on, TC was always looking for new challengers but there weren't many volunteers. "I don't get on the court as often as I'd like" he bantered as he served, "that's because you behead your opponents and torture their families" quipped Benny, "That's a pretty sharp return boyo, perhaps you'd like to make it more interesting. I heard that you and Brain had some fun with my Choo Choo yesterday". Benny lost the point as he looked round and saw Brain being dragged into the director's box, his face a bloody mess.
TC tossed in another one, Benny should have gobbled it up but his nerves were shot, it flew into the air off his rim as the crowd cheered. Brain peered through the blood that seeped into his eyes, he knew his game was up either way.
Benny was all over the place, it went to a third set tie break (they only play three sets under Zimbabwean men's invitational rules). Suddenly Brain charged at the glass front of the directors box, the glass shattered and Brain fell into the crowd as he cried "freedom isn't it Mrs Robinson" (that doesn't require a question mark in Welsh grammar) the umpire called a continuity error but overruled himself and gave the point to TC. Pandemonium broke out, Benny slipped onto a Club Med flight to Cardiff and TC Turned up at the Welsh Assembly with bags of Blood Oranges. The Welsh Assembly took a dim view "Bugger off back to Zimbabwe, you were supposed to bring Blood Diamonds you bloody idiot".
Eeeeh, there's never a dull moment.