A short play about three evil Golf Club Presidents and barbecue sauce.
The Players:
The General. Leader of one of those foreign countries that no one hears about unless there's a flood, earthquake or war. A military dictator, obviously.
Vlad the Inhaler (he's out of his tree!). A popular leader, very successful at home but we don't like him because "he's foreign so he must be up to something".
Small Bush. The Boy-King of The Empire, some people say he's simply too young to understand what's going on around him, others say he's just simple.
Act 1. After the summer break, the evil geniuses get together around a jacuzzi in Geneva.
Small : Surprised to see you here General, I heard you were going to be electrocuted
The General : Elected you idiot, I was going to get elected but I changed my mind. There's too much risk of losing if you ask people to vote
Small : But you're not supposed to stay after two "Turns" it has to be someone else's Turn now, it's in the constipation, I read it.
The General : Nah, I declared a state of emergency, I can play as long as I like now
Small : Wish I'd thought of that
Vlad : That's your trouble, you can't think, you're a fucking idiot. What about my idea of being "Prime Minister" I can do that and still play for free.
The General : Forget it Vlad, the Boy will never work that out, he'll have to re-write the constitution and frankly I'm surprised he can write his own name.
Small : I'm not listening to you guys, last time those little yellow guys told me they had a way of scoring 100% in every electrocution. When I tried it I only got 44, then daddy and Jeb had to stay up all night and make new tickets to put in those funny little boxes.
Vlad : Like I said, you're an idiot, you don't deserve to win.
The General : Tell you what Small, I'll send some more of those blowy-uppy people over to your place then you can declare a state of emergency too.
Small : I dunno about that, it's a bit scary, I'll have to ask my dad. Why don't we just pay the membership out of our oily dollars?
The General : haaahaar, ha ha ah ah, raahaaah! love American comedy, this boy kills me, he really does
Vlad : ha! membership?? can I have extra sauce on mine? ah ha ah ha
Fade and pan left, focus on a picnic table supporting a bottle of OK Barbecue Sauce bathed in the morning dew as the sun sets in the distance and crickets cry "owzee!"
Roll Credits
Roll Debits
THE END
Well that's what I think. I'm not sure I like The General using my palindromic laugh though, and Vlad is definitely up to something with his cut down version, or is that just his accent? I can never tell with these things.
Hot Dog.
JJ
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Friday, 2 November 2007
Le Constitution
The You-Are-Peeing Constitution according to John Prescott.
1. The Presidency.
There's no fuckin' way that Nancy Boy Blair is gunna be President, I'm sick of the bloody sight of him and his cheesy grin. I tell you what, I'd love to wipe that grin off his face, he's ruined t' Labour Party, whole thing's a pile of shite now and I'm glad I'm out of it, I was gunna pack it in anyway, bastard.
2. Common Foreign Policy.
'Ow can yer 'ave a Foreign Policy when yer 'aven't got a bleedin' Army? It's common sense innit? So let's start from t' beginnin'. Military Service for everyone at 18 years old, except girls and puffs obviously, we won't need them anymore 'cos we've got more people to choose from. Then we'll build a massive fuck-off army and park it on t' Russian border, how do like that idea Igor? whatever your fuckin' name is.
While we've got the army we might as well invade Norway and Switzerland, they've been mincin' around too long now, if the Brits can sign-up then so can you.
3. Qualified Majority Voting.
Now that there's 27 countries we'll get nowt done if everyone has to agree all t' time, either that or we'll only pass watered down useless laws like American beer, fucking gnat's piss. But we want a strong union with a strong leader, he should be able to over-rule "certain" cuntries (that's deliberate 'cos you know who I'm talking about) if he don't like 'em and it's for the greater good. Someone who's 'ard, maybe an ex-boxer who isn't scared to punch some fuckin' hooligan in the eye even when it's on tv and he's wearing his best Armani suit.
4. Language.
You see how I've wrote title of t'Constitution in French, how hard is that? Instead of "The Constitution" it's "Le Constitution" there's fuck all to it, obviously we'll write everything in proper English and then all the foreigners can translate it into whatever language they speak back home. I've been to Mallorca and fuckin' Ibiza, they all speak English, they love it and you can get egg 'n chips and all day breakfast.
Anyway, if you think I'm writing this bastard out again in French and Spanish you've lost it mate. And as for fuckin' Estonia and Latvia I don't know what language they speak there so just forget it, they'll have to Google the fucker.
5. Common Currency.
I'll tell you sumthin' you aven't thought of, Roman Empire had a common currency and it was bigger than this Union but where is it now? eh? When you use your bank card abroad the money comes out in Euro's anyway so what's the bleedin' point of changing all the money back home? Forget common currency, we don't need it and if the Germans want to go back to using silly coins wi' holes in't middle or whatever, that's their look-out, nowt to do wi' us.
'Ow do you turn this fuckin' spell checker off again? I can't properly proof read this fer all t' squiggly lines.
THE END
Hmmm.. Thanks for that JP, is that last line supposed be in the final draft?
Vote JJ for higher taxes and pointless form filling!
JJ
(Disclaimer: by 'John Prescott' I mean that fella who sings "Ring of Fire" on the metro to Herman Debroux at 8am every day, not the former deputy cheesey grin).
1. The Presidency.
There's no fuckin' way that Nancy Boy Blair is gunna be President, I'm sick of the bloody sight of him and his cheesy grin. I tell you what, I'd love to wipe that grin off his face, he's ruined t' Labour Party, whole thing's a pile of shite now and I'm glad I'm out of it, I was gunna pack it in anyway, bastard.
2. Common Foreign Policy.
'Ow can yer 'ave a Foreign Policy when yer 'aven't got a bleedin' Army? It's common sense innit? So let's start from t' beginnin'. Military Service for everyone at 18 years old, except girls and puffs obviously, we won't need them anymore 'cos we've got more people to choose from. Then we'll build a massive fuck-off army and park it on t' Russian border, how do like that idea Igor? whatever your fuckin' name is.
While we've got the army we might as well invade Norway and Switzerland, they've been mincin' around too long now, if the Brits can sign-up then so can you.
3. Qualified Majority Voting.
Now that there's 27 countries we'll get nowt done if everyone has to agree all t' time, either that or we'll only pass watered down useless laws like American beer, fucking gnat's piss. But we want a strong union with a strong leader, he should be able to over-rule "certain" cuntries (that's deliberate 'cos you know who I'm talking about) if he don't like 'em and it's for the greater good. Someone who's 'ard, maybe an ex-boxer who isn't scared to punch some fuckin' hooligan in the eye even when it's on tv and he's wearing his best Armani suit.
4. Language.
You see how I've wrote title of t'Constitution in French, how hard is that? Instead of "The Constitution" it's "Le Constitution" there's fuck all to it, obviously we'll write everything in proper English and then all the foreigners can translate it into whatever language they speak back home. I've been to Mallorca and fuckin' Ibiza, they all speak English, they love it and you can get egg 'n chips and all day breakfast.
Anyway, if you think I'm writing this bastard out again in French and Spanish you've lost it mate. And as for fuckin' Estonia and Latvia I don't know what language they speak there so just forget it, they'll have to Google the fucker.
5. Common Currency.
I'll tell you sumthin' you aven't thought of, Roman Empire had a common currency and it was bigger than this Union but where is it now? eh? When you use your bank card abroad the money comes out in Euro's anyway so what's the bleedin' point of changing all the money back home? Forget common currency, we don't need it and if the Germans want to go back to using silly coins wi' holes in't middle or whatever, that's their look-out, nowt to do wi' us.
'Ow do you turn this fuckin' spell checker off again? I can't properly proof read this fer all t' squiggly lines.
THE END
Hmmm.. Thanks for that JP, is that last line supposed be in the final draft?
Vote JJ for higher taxes and pointless form filling!
JJ
(Disclaimer: by 'John Prescott' I mean that fella who sings "Ring of Fire" on the metro to Herman Debroux at 8am every day, not the former deputy cheesey grin).
Sunday, 28 October 2007
Tart Train
It's finally here, the end of Summer(time) is today and we can all be late for work tomorrow morning. How did we place the end of summer in October? October for pete's sake! How bloody optimistic is that? To the best of my recollection we had a good run in April, after that it was patchy at best.
So what's a Tart Train then? Well I had the idea at Sushi Train restaurant, they have a bar with a little track on it and a succession of little dishes runs along the track. One can sit there and pick off as many as one wishes. I thought why not do the same with Mr Kiplings Tarts? It would be much more colourful and the name Tart Train has a better ring to it. Ok, it wasn't Mr Kiplings Tarts I was thinking of, it was the other Tarts, I can't help it, it's the sushi. I smeared it thoroughly with wasabe and soy sauce but the taste and texture still forced it's way onto my tongue. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and I'll eat it again but it just isn't satisfying enough on it's own.
I don't know about you but I've just returned from a fantastic party in Aachen, it's not often one has the opportunity to dance to Thunderstruck at 4am but the chance was there and I took it. Only when I woke up this morning did I realise the clocks went back a 3am so actually I've been foiled, it wasn't 4am it was 3. Bloody government, they ruin everything. At least they've got a government in Germany, here it's still shrugging of shoulders and rolling of eyes. More and more people are saying "tant pis" everything works fine like this, we don't need a government.
That's an idea for my You-Are-Peeing Union election caravan/campaign/train, let's give the EC, the Parliament and Council 6 months off. Then we'll see if the trains still run on time. While they are off they can all learn to play cricket. It is beyond me how anyone can expect to run an administration this size when they don't even play cricket. Where does the sense of fair play and decency come from? eh? Well it doesn't grow on trees but even that's a moot point because you buggers keep cutting them down. You can't build democracy by throwing your little metal balls into a gravel pit! what are you thinking?
You know what else I'm going to have on my election train? Gravy, boats of gravy to fuel my glorious Empire. But before that, I better check how Prescot's getting on with the new Constitution;
JP : I've wrote sumthin' about t'Presidecy and I was gunna do Foriegn Policy next
JJ : Is that it? Come on pick up the pace you lazy fat bastard, it's no wonder you are always the deputy. And Put that gravy boat down we haven't even stood for election yet.
all eyes turn to Gordon Brown
embarassing silence and shuffling of feet
Exit stage left
Curtains close.
Thanks for coming, have a safe journey home.
JJ
So what's a Tart Train then? Well I had the idea at Sushi Train restaurant, they have a bar with a little track on it and a succession of little dishes runs along the track. One can sit there and pick off as many as one wishes. I thought why not do the same with Mr Kiplings Tarts? It would be much more colourful and the name Tart Train has a better ring to it. Ok, it wasn't Mr Kiplings Tarts I was thinking of, it was the other Tarts, I can't help it, it's the sushi. I smeared it thoroughly with wasabe and soy sauce but the taste and texture still forced it's way onto my tongue. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and I'll eat it again but it just isn't satisfying enough on it's own.
I don't know about you but I've just returned from a fantastic party in Aachen, it's not often one has the opportunity to dance to Thunderstruck at 4am but the chance was there and I took it. Only when I woke up this morning did I realise the clocks went back a 3am so actually I've been foiled, it wasn't 4am it was 3. Bloody government, they ruin everything. At least they've got a government in Germany, here it's still shrugging of shoulders and rolling of eyes. More and more people are saying "tant pis" everything works fine like this, we don't need a government.
That's an idea for my You-Are-Peeing Union election caravan/campaign/train, let's give the EC, the Parliament and Council 6 months off. Then we'll see if the trains still run on time. While they are off they can all learn to play cricket. It is beyond me how anyone can expect to run an administration this size when they don't even play cricket. Where does the sense of fair play and decency come from? eh? Well it doesn't grow on trees but even that's a moot point because you buggers keep cutting them down. You can't build democracy by throwing your little metal balls into a gravel pit! what are you thinking?
You know what else I'm going to have on my election train? Gravy, boats of gravy to fuel my glorious Empire. But before that, I better check how Prescot's getting on with the new Constitution;
JP : I've wrote sumthin' about t'Presidecy and I was gunna do Foriegn Policy next
JJ : Is that it? Come on pick up the pace you lazy fat bastard, it's no wonder you are always the deputy. And Put that gravy boat down we haven't even stood for election yet.
all eyes turn to Gordon Brown
embarassing silence and shuffling of feet
Exit stage left
Curtains close.
Thanks for coming, have a safe journey home.
JJ
Monday, 22 October 2007
Don't Take Your Coat Off!
Continuing work on number 6 of my list:
Imagine if once a month you had to work from a different office for a week, the company hires people to move all your stuff 428 kilometres and you go along with it. This is what the European Parliament does. One week of every month they work out of Strasbourg. It goes without saying this horseshit could only happen in France. But why? oh why is it so? I hear you cry, well I'll tell you A Short Story:
--------------------------------------------------------
A Short Story:
A long time ago a bunch of old men sat in room and said "OK we've got our shiny new You-are-Peeing Union, where shall we put the Headquarters with the swivelly chairs and new desks, all of which costs money?" and the reply came in chorus "not in my country, it's just unneccessary costs and overhead". Then, after much consternations had happened the old men decided to give free money to the country which would house the Headquarters which would be called "Brussels" because that's French for "burocracy with chips and mayonnaise".
The Belgian old man leaped into the air and cried "I'll take it! We can put it in the city which is also called Brussels and finally our Brussels will have second tourist attraction. That stone boy peeing in a fountain was funny in the beginning but it's wearing a bit thin now" and they all agreed but added "it's not supposed to be a tourist attraction! It has to serve purpose you bloody idiot!", the Belgian old man said "Ok I'll do it your way, when do I get my money?" that remark also wasn't very well received and the other old men decided that the Belgian old man was "a little odd" and they made a note of that for later.
While they were all thinking "How the fuck did the Belgians conquer the Congo? It staggers belief!" the French old man said "errmm... how much money exactly? for this errr Brussels thing?" then much more consternations started happening and eventually the French old man said "I'm going to have another Brussels in Strasbourg and get the same amount of free money" the others replied in chorus "OH NO! we've gone from having no costs and overheads to having two lots of costs and overheads plus all the travelling in between, YOU BLOCKHEAD!", "but surely you can see that if we have more Brussels's we will have more democracy, the logic is irrefutable!" replied the Frenchie, the Luxembourger said "Horseshit, you just want free money!", the German old man said "Don't make me come over there!". Then it went quiet for a bit until the Italian old man said "why is everyone scared of him? he lost both wars" and then there was tense silence as the gathering came to a realisation, "OH NO! we've formed a You-are-Peeing Union of losers! WE'RE ALL BLOCKHEADS!"
Some time later they realised they needed a British old man in the Union to give it some credibility, they got one, but it was a British old woman who said to them one day "shut your trap Frenchie, this a big fat waste of money and I want a rebate". Nobody expected that to work becuse the old men had to vote on it first, but amazingly they all voted in favour. So, in summary, they all agreed it was a waste of money but they carried on regardless.
The End (?)
--------------------------------------------------
It got a bit lairy towards The End but the point of the story was to explain why there are two Parliaments that between them just do the job of one.
This moving back and forth nonsense was highlighted by our good old friends Sinn Fein in AD2006, when they pointed out this carry on costs at least 190 million Euro annually. As if that wasn't enough, the city of Strasbourg has been overcharging the European Parliament by 2.7 million Euro per year for 25 years. So as of 2006:
Total money wasted in France 4,750 million
Additional amount stolen by overcharging Frenchies: 67.5 million
Why isn't the EU sorting this out? Isn't it embarrassing? What's the Commission's opinion? Why don't the European Council debate this properly and fix it? Why aren't the national leaders bringing this to their debates about Europe? Because they're all a bunch self-serving fops. If one of them starts pointing the finger they'll all turn on each other and starting saving money everywhere, no more porkular expense claims for any of them! Disaster!
You might think this an odd way to go about becoming MEP - attacking the institution itself - well I'm not attacking the institution (today) I'm attacking the pigs that line up in front of the troughs filled with our hard earned cash. More people should be complaining about this flagrant waste of money by the Frenchies, it has to end.
See, I'm protecting you, The Beautiful People, from politits and bowlercrats, huzaahh!! Vote for JJ!
JJ
Imagine if once a month you had to work from a different office for a week, the company hires people to move all your stuff 428 kilometres and you go along with it. This is what the European Parliament does. One week of every month they work out of Strasbourg. It goes without saying this horseshit could only happen in France. But why? oh why is it so? I hear you cry, well I'll tell you A Short Story:
--------------------------------------------------------
A Short Story:
A long time ago a bunch of old men sat in room and said "OK we've got our shiny new You-are-Peeing Union, where shall we put the Headquarters with the swivelly chairs and new desks, all of which costs money?" and the reply came in chorus "not in my country, it's just unneccessary costs and overhead". Then, after much consternations had happened the old men decided to give free money to the country which would house the Headquarters which would be called "Brussels" because that's French for "burocracy with chips and mayonnaise".
The Belgian old man leaped into the air and cried "I'll take it! We can put it in the city which is also called Brussels and finally our Brussels will have second tourist attraction. That stone boy peeing in a fountain was funny in the beginning but it's wearing a bit thin now" and they all agreed but added "it's not supposed to be a tourist attraction! It has to serve purpose you bloody idiot!", the Belgian old man said "Ok I'll do it your way, when do I get my money?" that remark also wasn't very well received and the other old men decided that the Belgian old man was "a little odd" and they made a note of that for later.
While they were all thinking "How the fuck did the Belgians conquer the Congo? It staggers belief!" the French old man said "errmm... how much money exactly? for this errr Brussels thing?" then much more consternations started happening and eventually the French old man said "I'm going to have another Brussels in Strasbourg and get the same amount of free money" the others replied in chorus "OH NO! we've gone from having no costs and overheads to having two lots of costs and overheads plus all the travelling in between, YOU BLOCKHEAD!", "but surely you can see that if we have more Brussels's we will have more democracy, the logic is irrefutable!" replied the Frenchie, the Luxembourger said "Horseshit, you just want free money!", the German old man said "Don't make me come over there!". Then it went quiet for a bit until the Italian old man said "why is everyone scared of him? he lost both wars" and then there was tense silence as the gathering came to a realisation, "OH NO! we've formed a You-are-Peeing Union of losers! WE'RE ALL BLOCKHEADS!"
Some time later they realised they needed a British old man in the Union to give it some credibility, they got one, but it was a British old woman who said to them one day "shut your trap Frenchie, this a big fat waste of money and I want a rebate". Nobody expected that to work becuse the old men had to vote on it first, but amazingly they all voted in favour. So, in summary, they all agreed it was a waste of money but they carried on regardless.
The End (?)
--------------------------------------------------
It got a bit lairy towards The End but the point of the story was to explain why there are two Parliaments that between them just do the job of one.
This moving back and forth nonsense was highlighted by our good old friends Sinn Fein in AD2006, when they pointed out this carry on costs at least 190 million Euro annually. As if that wasn't enough, the city of Strasbourg has been overcharging the European Parliament by 2.7 million Euro per year for 25 years. So as of 2006:
Total money wasted in France 4,750 million
Additional amount stolen by overcharging Frenchies: 67.5 million
Why isn't the EU sorting this out? Isn't it embarrassing? What's the Commission's opinion? Why don't the European Council debate this properly and fix it? Why aren't the national leaders bringing this to their debates about Europe? Because they're all a bunch self-serving fops. If one of them starts pointing the finger they'll all turn on each other and starting saving money everywhere, no more porkular expense claims for any of them! Disaster!
You might think this an odd way to go about becoming MEP - attacking the institution itself - well I'm not attacking the institution (today) I'm attacking the pigs that line up in front of the troughs filled with our hard earned cash. More people should be complaining about this flagrant waste of money by the Frenchies, it has to end.
See, I'm protecting you, The Beautiful People, from politits and bowlercrats, huzaahh!! Vote for JJ!
JJ
Monday, 15 October 2007
La Planet Des Singes
JJ makes Alien Contact.
After decades of staring into space like a gormless muppet and wondering "what's going on up there? Can we contact aliens?" I finally decided to pick myself up out of the gutter and find out damn it!
When it comes to geeky gadgetry I'm one of the most geekly people I know (I know at least five people in Brussels), notwithstanding that most of said gadgetry is foisted onto me by my loving employer and politely overlooking the GPS incident with The Protagonist, it makes perfect sense. On top of that I have a remarkable ability to say a couple of badly pronounced words in a huge variety of languages. Once I'd thought it through the only question that remained unanswered was "why the custard didn't you think of that before? piehead!"
So I gathered up all the equipment; old mobile phone, four pda's, gps unit, half a dozen wire coat hangers (staple of any DIY project), string, silver spray paint, glitter, 17 metres of kitchen foil, silver platform shoes, oversized goldfish bowl (in case I have to travel), empty yoghurt pot, 24 cans of Maes beer, large bag of potato crisps.
It didn't take long to strip down the pda's and hook them up to the phone and gps with the coat hangers, so I moved the assembly onto the balcone while I got ready. I wasn't really sure about the platform shoes but it was too late to start taking risks, I put them on with the golfish bowl and wrapped myself in foil and proceeded to spray and glitter. There was some stuff left, string and the yoghurt pot but that's DIY! I can just squirrel them away for the next project.
Finally, at around 7pm I was ready. A slight hassle dragging the bean-bag onto the balcone without damaging my spacesuit, but I managed it. I was just sitting there for a while watching the punters outside the Portuguese bar. That Spanish opera singing bloke was there again, bloody racket, I waved but he just looked at me and sat back down with his mates.
I must have dozed off, when I woke up the pda screens were going mad with static but there were some shapes in the background, I couldn't believe my luck! Normally this only happens in Bollywood, then I remembered what the string and yoghurt pot was for. After a dash to the kitchen I attached the yoghurt pot with string to the mobile 'phone and planted it against firmly against my ear. I remember thinking I was glad I'd washed and dried the pot thoroughly, but if I hadn't it would have been a great comedy moment for my blog (yoghurt in ear), it's a shame and a surprise that didn't happen.
Then was the moment which would change my life forever, I heard a voice, it was crackly and distant sounding so I figured this had to be a Voice From Space:
vfs : ###n #### ####op ### re## #### ####### e#####
JJ : Hello, JJ speaking
vfs : ###n y### ####op ### re## ###r sod#### e####!
JJ : hang on I'll move about a bit, it's a really bad signal
vfs : ##en y### ###top ### re## ###r sodd### e#ail!
JJ : wait I'll just go over here a bit
Then it all became scrambled again but I thought the last word was email. When I opened my laptop I had an email from vfs it read "open your laptop and read your sodding email!" I conveniently overlooked the fact that his email address was "vfs" and he'd sent the same message on email that he was trying to speak on the phone and it was in English, it was too early in the morning to think about continuity errors, but maybe I could get some answers from vfs;
JJ (by email) : Oh shit! I thought you were from outer space
vfs : I am
JJ : then how come you're emailing me? In english?
vfs : Because we have email on our planet dimwit and I've been on a TEFL course
JJ : No way! they don't teach words like "dimwit" on TEFL
vfs : have you ever been on a TEFL course?
JJ : No
vfs : then shut the fuck up
JJ : steady on there space man, there's no need to be uncivil
vfs : I'm not, it just seems like that because you don't pick up nuances of expression in email
JJ : good point, my mistake
vfs : what do mean 'space man'? have you never seen Planet of the Apes?
JJ : errrmmm, you're a monkey?
vfs : I'm not a monkey, I'm an Ape, you ignorant stinking human
JJ : you stole that line from the film, why are you so hostile?
vfs : it's all explained in the film, evil humans, good apes, monkeys in-between. Our goal is to build a spaceship and get over there to wipe your planet out before you can spread your evil into the cosmos
JJ : How long will that take?
vfs : Probably a while, but we've got some flying machines up off the ground now
JJ : Flying machines? we did that decades ago, have you visited a nearby moon or anything like that?
vfs : No, have you?
JJ : We did that ages ago, we're going for a planet next and then, who knows we might head in your direction.
vfs : Shit. If you're so smart how come your communications technology is so lousy?
JJ : I'm talking to you aren't I?
vfs : Good point, errrmm, what are your views on intergalactic relations?
JJ : Going by local history I'd say say we're likely to kill most of you and steal anything valuable we can find
vfs : well, I suppose you are quite evil after all
JJ : Yep, and we're determined to fly into space
vfs : Shit, our tv always shows aliens as evil invading nasties but I didn't really believe it
JJ : Well you might like to mull it over for a bit, in the meantime I'm going flood your email with junk just so you get an idea of the things we can do
vfs: evil stinking human!
JJ : stoopid monkey!
That was it, vfs deleted his email account, a crowd of angry villagers threw my radio into a ravine and accused me of witchcraft. I've lost count of how many times I've been pursued by an angry mob and accused of heresy, it's odd because Etterbeek is quite nice during the day.
Anyway, that's one less thing to do before I die. Although making alien contact wasn't actually on my list, that's only because I couln't be bothered to finish writing the list.
JJ
After decades of staring into space like a gormless muppet and wondering "what's going on up there? Can we contact aliens?" I finally decided to pick myself up out of the gutter and find out damn it!
When it comes to geeky gadgetry I'm one of the most geekly people I know (I know at least five people in Brussels), notwithstanding that most of said gadgetry is foisted onto me by my loving employer and politely overlooking the GPS incident with The Protagonist, it makes perfect sense. On top of that I have a remarkable ability to say a couple of badly pronounced words in a huge variety of languages. Once I'd thought it through the only question that remained unanswered was "why the custard didn't you think of that before? piehead!"
So I gathered up all the equipment; old mobile phone, four pda's, gps unit, half a dozen wire coat hangers (staple of any DIY project), string, silver spray paint, glitter, 17 metres of kitchen foil, silver platform shoes, oversized goldfish bowl (in case I have to travel), empty yoghurt pot, 24 cans of Maes beer, large bag of potato crisps.
It didn't take long to strip down the pda's and hook them up to the phone and gps with the coat hangers, so I moved the assembly onto the balcone while I got ready. I wasn't really sure about the platform shoes but it was too late to start taking risks, I put them on with the golfish bowl and wrapped myself in foil and proceeded to spray and glitter. There was some stuff left, string and the yoghurt pot but that's DIY! I can just squirrel them away for the next project.
Finally, at around 7pm I was ready. A slight hassle dragging the bean-bag onto the balcone without damaging my spacesuit, but I managed it. I was just sitting there for a while watching the punters outside the Portuguese bar. That Spanish opera singing bloke was there again, bloody racket, I waved but he just looked at me and sat back down with his mates.
I must have dozed off, when I woke up the pda screens were going mad with static but there were some shapes in the background, I couldn't believe my luck! Normally this only happens in Bollywood, then I remembered what the string and yoghurt pot was for. After a dash to the kitchen I attached the yoghurt pot with string to the mobile 'phone and planted it against firmly against my ear. I remember thinking I was glad I'd washed and dried the pot thoroughly, but if I hadn't it would have been a great comedy moment for my blog (yoghurt in ear), it's a shame and a surprise that didn't happen.
Then was the moment which would change my life forever, I heard a voice, it was crackly and distant sounding so I figured this had to be a Voice From Space:
vfs : ###n #### ####op ### re## #### ####### e#####
JJ : Hello, JJ speaking
vfs : ###n y### ####op ### re## ###r sod#### e####!
JJ : hang on I'll move about a bit, it's a really bad signal
vfs : ##en y### ###top ### re## ###r sodd### e#ail!
JJ : wait I'll just go over here a bit
Then it all became scrambled again but I thought the last word was email. When I opened my laptop I had an email from vfs it read "open your laptop and read your sodding email!" I conveniently overlooked the fact that his email address was "vfs" and he'd sent the same message on email that he was trying to speak on the phone and it was in English, it was too early in the morning to think about continuity errors, but maybe I could get some answers from vfs;
JJ (by email) : Oh shit! I thought you were from outer space
vfs : I am
JJ : then how come you're emailing me? In english?
vfs : Because we have email on our planet dimwit and I've been on a TEFL course
JJ : No way! they don't teach words like "dimwit" on TEFL
vfs : have you ever been on a TEFL course?
JJ : No
vfs : then shut the fuck up
JJ : steady on there space man, there's no need to be uncivil
vfs : I'm not, it just seems like that because you don't pick up nuances of expression in email
JJ : good point, my mistake
vfs : what do mean 'space man'? have you never seen Planet of the Apes?
JJ : errrmmm, you're a monkey?
vfs : I'm not a monkey, I'm an Ape, you ignorant stinking human
JJ : you stole that line from the film, why are you so hostile?
vfs : it's all explained in the film, evil humans, good apes, monkeys in-between. Our goal is to build a spaceship and get over there to wipe your planet out before you can spread your evil into the cosmos
JJ : How long will that take?
vfs : Probably a while, but we've got some flying machines up off the ground now
JJ : Flying machines? we did that decades ago, have you visited a nearby moon or anything like that?
vfs : No, have you?
JJ : We did that ages ago, we're going for a planet next and then, who knows we might head in your direction.
vfs : Shit. If you're so smart how come your communications technology is so lousy?
JJ : I'm talking to you aren't I?
vfs : Good point, errrmm, what are your views on intergalactic relations?
JJ : Going by local history I'd say say we're likely to kill most of you and steal anything valuable we can find
vfs : well, I suppose you are quite evil after all
JJ : Yep, and we're determined to fly into space
vfs : Shit, our tv always shows aliens as evil invading nasties but I didn't really believe it
JJ : Well you might like to mull it over for a bit, in the meantime I'm going flood your email with junk just so you get an idea of the things we can do
vfs: evil stinking human!
JJ : stoopid monkey!
That was it, vfs deleted his email account, a crowd of angry villagers threw my radio into a ravine and accused me of witchcraft. I've lost count of how many times I've been pursued by an angry mob and accused of heresy, it's odd because Etterbeek is quite nice during the day.
Anyway, that's one less thing to do before I die. Although making alien contact wasn't actually on my list, that's only because I couln't be bothered to finish writing the list.
JJ
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