This is number 6 on my list of things to do before I die, become and MEP.
Does anyone know if I need a manifesto to become an MEP or do they still just get their family and friends to vote and win because the turnout is so poor? If I don't have to write a manifesto or talk about politics I might do it. As long I get tons of expenses payments every time I don't turn up to parliament.
Oh yes and I'll need a big flash car, there won't be any green nonsense in my policies or on my plate. I see myself as an old style fat cat politician who knows nothing about his electorate and couldn't give a fig about the country or anyone who doesn't play golf.
Policies:
1. Members of the public aren't expected to recycle. We're going to tax Chinese imports and use the money to employ local people to clean up the environment. Also, big business and corporations have to clean up their shit and stop trying to hoodwink the gullible public into putting paper into separate bins that end up in landfill anyway.
2. No carbon tax on flying. Instead, anyone who flies business class or first class has to ride a bike to work (except public servants because they are working in the public interest and shouldn't be troubled with these things)
3. There will be no referendums on the European constitution or treaty. The general public knows nothing about Europe and cares less. The elected government of each country has to decide how they implement European law and stop bleating about it. Referendums will be banned altogether, it's the governments job to govern so get on with it.
4. Public transport will be scrapped and the billions of euros spent on it will go towards providing a huge fleet of taxis that use bio fuel and will be free to ride in. Taxi drivers will be subject to weekly showers, or baths, as they prefer.
5. Anyone caught walking a dog on a city street will be forcibly re-located to the countryside. It's better for the dog and the rest us of can walk on shit-free streets. Any dogs found wandering alone on the streets will be impounded and consider themselves lucky that's all they get done to them.
6. No one will be allowed to park outside a house or apartment block unless they live there or the resident agrees some parking fee. If someone does park outside your house you will be entitled, by law, to "key the car". But only one continuous scratch.
7. Instead of car insurance we'll have an annual fee paid to local governments. But if you crash your car you'll have to pay for your own repairs so you better not buy a flash car and drive like a loony. No cop outs for company cars, you crash - you pay. (Damage to civil servants cars will be paid by the state because they are working for the public good and shouldn't be troubled with these things)
8. Car free day(s) will be mandatory in every city in every member state. Be prepared to have more than one of these.
9. Anyone caught carrying a gun will have it removed and be shot with it, instantly.
10. All employers will implement flexible working hours. People should be allowed to come and go as they please and work from home when they feel like it.
11. Banks will not be allowed to charge for anything except interest on loans. They make far too much money so they'll have to learn to live off the interest they make on peoples cash.
12. Remote controls will be made to one standard, so you only need one for all of your gadgets. You still get one with each gadget but you can just keep them for spares.
13. Priorite Adroit rules will be banned. That's just nonsense, no one knows how it works and it causes too many accidents
14. Heinz Baked Beans will be not be called "Tomato Beans" in Belgian shops, that's silly
15. French fries will be called by their proper name, Chips. Any place selling chips will also have vinegar, pickled onions, pickled eggs, battered fish, mushy meas, battered sausages, curry sauce (not that putrid yellow stuff), the proper Homepride tinned variety and gravy.
16. Now that UK is retaining imperial measurements alongside metric, it's only fair to introduce imperial measurement to the rest of Europe along with the Pound Sterling as an option to the bland characterless Euro
17. Tabloid press will only be allowed to write headlines, no stories. They can have pictures but no text. Their readers will have to work out what's going on for themselves by practicing logic and deductive reasoning.
18. No pop group will be allowed to call themselves a Band unless at least one of them plays an instrument.
19. The next person to say "I love my Apple Mac" will get slapped, as will all subsequent people. The Apple is a "computer" for people who don't know how to use a computer, that's your slogan so-called "Apple Community".
20. This is getting silly now.
"Vote for JJ" and get fleeced to pay for his fact finding missions in the Bahamas to study their public transport infrastructure. If Glenys Kinnock can do it why not me? She was a nursery school teacher and now she's a fat cat.
Disclaimer: I reserve the right to change any or all of these policies before, during or after election.
JJ
Saturday, 29 September 2007
Friday, 21 September 2007
Tag-less Wander
Spanish Goth wrote a thing (post) about a dream and tagged some people (filthy habit) who have all dutifully responded (not that I bothered to check, I'm trying to reduce my carbon fingerprint). Anyway, I wasn't one of the tagged ones but I'm still going to respond because it's cheaper that thinking of my own ideas for posts. Although I already mentioned one my wierder dreams in Afore ye go! (something about turning into a dolphin).
What really messes with my head is when I dream that I'm getting out of bed and getting ready for work, once that dream looped about five times. That is, I realised I was dreaming, stopped and woke up and started getting ready for work - but that was a dream too, I realised that, stopped and woke up... etc five times. By the time I finally got out of bed I wasn't sure if I was awake or not, I was thoroughly confused and late for work.
I often dream that I'm lying in bed and can't get to sleep, the following morning I really can't tell if I've slept or not. That's quite annoying.
I have some themes that repeat; if something is bothering me I'll dream about spiders, big spiders for big problems and lots of little spiders if I'm just generally unhappy with things. I once dreamed about a huge spider with a wooden leg, I don't know what that was supposed to mean. If a person is draining a lot of time/energy/emotion from me I will see them as a vampire in a dream (the blood sucking bit is what does it), that's a useful one because I don't always realise when someone who seems to be a friend is actually a leech.
I once read a book about self-hypnosis (as an aside - if you read something like that you'll immediately realise how meditation works, it's the same thing) But back to self-hypnosis, I used it to become conscious in my dreams so that I could take control of them. Now when I dream about vampires I can easily fight them by turning into one myself. I almost always fly in my dreams, recently I was running a small zoo in a city when a puma escaped and I flew after it and chased it back into the pen. He didn't expect that at all so he was a bit intimidated.
Years ago I went through a period of post traumatic stress after something bad happened to me, part of that PTS was a recurring dream where I was sitting at a bar and a man approached me, I thought he was going to attack me for some reason. The first time I had the dream it ended there, the next time I dreamed it the fella sat on the stool next to me and began to turn towards me. Each time I had the dream it progressed a little more. The whole dream was that I pulled out a sword and attacked the guy before he could attack me. As you can imagine a sword attack is very messy, a lot of blood every where, the problem was that as the guy collapsed and died I thought I recognised him and realised I'd made a mistake.
Another one I vividly recall was where I was driving on a highway through a desert, after I overtook a petrol tanker I looked in the rear view mirror and saw it go into a skid sideways. It rolled over and exploded in a huge fireball.
I dreamed a winning lottery ticket once and actually remembered the numbers when I woke up, sadly that dream didn't come true. When I was in a band I actually used to get ideas for music in my dreams, sometimes I dream solutions to problems at work too which is a handy way of working things out and saving time.
That's just a sample, I dream almost every night so there are plenty more where those came from and plenty more to go yet.
But that's all for today, I'm off to enjoy a couple of Mr Kiplings fruit pies and a nice cup of tea, well it is Friday after all.
Turrahhh!
JJ
What really messes with my head is when I dream that I'm getting out of bed and getting ready for work, once that dream looped about five times. That is, I realised I was dreaming, stopped and woke up and started getting ready for work - but that was a dream too, I realised that, stopped and woke up... etc five times. By the time I finally got out of bed I wasn't sure if I was awake or not, I was thoroughly confused and late for work.
I often dream that I'm lying in bed and can't get to sleep, the following morning I really can't tell if I've slept or not. That's quite annoying.
I have some themes that repeat; if something is bothering me I'll dream about spiders, big spiders for big problems and lots of little spiders if I'm just generally unhappy with things. I once dreamed about a huge spider with a wooden leg, I don't know what that was supposed to mean. If a person is draining a lot of time/energy/emotion from me I will see them as a vampire in a dream (the blood sucking bit is what does it), that's a useful one because I don't always realise when someone who seems to be a friend is actually a leech.
I once read a book about self-hypnosis (as an aside - if you read something like that you'll immediately realise how meditation works, it's the same thing) But back to self-hypnosis, I used it to become conscious in my dreams so that I could take control of them. Now when I dream about vampires I can easily fight them by turning into one myself. I almost always fly in my dreams, recently I was running a small zoo in a city when a puma escaped and I flew after it and chased it back into the pen. He didn't expect that at all so he was a bit intimidated.
Years ago I went through a period of post traumatic stress after something bad happened to me, part of that PTS was a recurring dream where I was sitting at a bar and a man approached me, I thought he was going to attack me for some reason. The first time I had the dream it ended there, the next time I dreamed it the fella sat on the stool next to me and began to turn towards me. Each time I had the dream it progressed a little more. The whole dream was that I pulled out a sword and attacked the guy before he could attack me. As you can imagine a sword attack is very messy, a lot of blood every where, the problem was that as the guy collapsed and died I thought I recognised him and realised I'd made a mistake.
Another one I vividly recall was where I was driving on a highway through a desert, after I overtook a petrol tanker I looked in the rear view mirror and saw it go into a skid sideways. It rolled over and exploded in a huge fireball.
I dreamed a winning lottery ticket once and actually remembered the numbers when I woke up, sadly that dream didn't come true. When I was in a band I actually used to get ideas for music in my dreams, sometimes I dream solutions to problems at work too which is a handy way of working things out and saving time.
That's just a sample, I dream almost every night so there are plenty more where those came from and plenty more to go yet.
But that's all for today, I'm off to enjoy a couple of Mr Kiplings fruit pies and a nice cup of tea, well it is Friday after all.
Turrahhh!
JJ
Monday, 17 September 2007
Travel XII, Salad Days
Got back from a splendid holiday in Greece on Sunday afternoon, it was my first time there so we dashed around a few places, in the end it felt like we'd been away for a month. It was a lot of fun:
Friday 31/08:
Arrived late in Athens in 40 degrees of heat, nice view of the Acropolis from the hotel, just had time left for dinner before bedtime. The first of many Greek salads and Mythos beers were consumed that night amongst lots of fine Greek food and drinks.
Saturday 01/09:
Rental Car arrives, we set off to on our travels. Driving accross Evia we saw plenty of scorched landscape around Aleveri, that must have been horrendous. The burning smell was still in the air. Spent the night in Kimi by the port. For dinner we got Greek salad, Fish with potatoes and white wine, because that's all they had, there was no menu. Quaint.
Sunday 02:
Took the ferry to Skyros. The hotel is on the beach but most of the bars and restaurants are in the village - a 20 minute walk up a steep hill, very steep.
Mon 03 to Wed 05:
Lay on the beach, wandered up to the village for dinner, I didn't want to leave but
we'd already made arrangements
Thu 06:
8am ferry back to Kimi and set off back accross Evia, arrived at Delphi early in the afternoon. We explored Appollo's Sanctuary, where the oracles worked, the theatre, stadium and the gymnasium where they trained for the games. They had games there every two years in old days.
Fri 07:
Set off for Nafplio, this little coastal town was the original Greek capital city. Still going well, full of tourists, even the Athenians like to get down there for the weekend.
Sat 08:
Visited Epidavros which was a centre for medicine in the good old days, Hippocrates wrote his oath there. Then we had a wander around Mycenae (Mykines). Maybe that was the other way round...
Sun 09:
Depart for Monemvasia. Not far from Nafplio we looked back and saw a huge column of black smoke about 20km south of the town, later we saw the flames too, it must have been huge. Monemvasia is built on a huge rock off the south east coast, a natural fortress. We stayed in a hotel that used to be a monastery, the whole town is a world heritage site.
Mon 10 - Wed 12:
Hanging around Monemvasia and the nearby beach
Thu 13:
Long drive back to Athens, stopping at Corinth on the way to check out the famous canal.
Fri 14 - Sun 16:
Explored the Acropolis and a few other bits around the city including the stadium they re-built for the first modern Olypmics in 1896. We'd booked a photo tour - a professional photographer took us to a few places to get some good views and pictures. Worked out well.
It's fun driving, the cities are total chaos but that means you can go the wrong way up a one-way street and park wherever you like. Outside the cities the roads are quite decent after years of EU investment, look out for the goats though.
Generally the countryside is used as a bin, when we stopped to look at the fire in the distance, a fella pulled up next to us, got out of his car and threw an empty plastic bottle down the hill. It would actually be easier to keep driving and put the bottle in the bin at home, he didn't seem to see it that way. Despite that there is some fairly spectacular scenery in the Pelopnnese.
Goodnight,
JJ
Friday 31/08:
Arrived late in Athens in 40 degrees of heat, nice view of the Acropolis from the hotel, just had time left for dinner before bedtime. The first of many Greek salads and Mythos beers were consumed that night amongst lots of fine Greek food and drinks.
Saturday 01/09:
Rental Car arrives, we set off to on our travels. Driving accross Evia we saw plenty of scorched landscape around Aleveri, that must have been horrendous. The burning smell was still in the air. Spent the night in Kimi by the port. For dinner we got Greek salad, Fish with potatoes and white wine, because that's all they had, there was no menu. Quaint.
Sunday 02:
Took the ferry to Skyros. The hotel is on the beach but most of the bars and restaurants are in the village - a 20 minute walk up a steep hill, very steep.
Mon 03 to Wed 05:
Lay on the beach, wandered up to the village for dinner, I didn't want to leave but
we'd already made arrangements
Thu 06:
8am ferry back to Kimi and set off back accross Evia, arrived at Delphi early in the afternoon. We explored Appollo's Sanctuary, where the oracles worked, the theatre, stadium and the gymnasium where they trained for the games. They had games there every two years in old days.
Fri 07:
Set off for Nafplio, this little coastal town was the original Greek capital city. Still going well, full of tourists, even the Athenians like to get down there for the weekend.
Sat 08:
Visited Epidavros which was a centre for medicine in the good old days, Hippocrates wrote his oath there. Then we had a wander around Mycenae (Mykines). Maybe that was the other way round...
Sun 09:
Depart for Monemvasia. Not far from Nafplio we looked back and saw a huge column of black smoke about 20km south of the town, later we saw the flames too, it must have been huge. Monemvasia is built on a huge rock off the south east coast, a natural fortress. We stayed in a hotel that used to be a monastery, the whole town is a world heritage site.
Mon 10 - Wed 12:
Hanging around Monemvasia and the nearby beach
Thu 13:
Long drive back to Athens, stopping at Corinth on the way to check out the famous canal.
Fri 14 - Sun 16:
Explored the Acropolis and a few other bits around the city including the stadium they re-built for the first modern Olypmics in 1896. We'd booked a photo tour - a professional photographer took us to a few places to get some good views and pictures. Worked out well.
It's fun driving, the cities are total chaos but that means you can go the wrong way up a one-way street and park wherever you like. Outside the cities the roads are quite decent after years of EU investment, look out for the goats though.
Generally the countryside is used as a bin, when we stopped to look at the fire in the distance, a fella pulled up next to us, got out of his car and threw an empty plastic bottle down the hill. It would actually be easier to keep driving and put the bottle in the bin at home, he didn't seem to see it that way. Despite that there is some fairly spectacular scenery in the Pelopnnese.
Goodnight,
JJ
Monday, 10 September 2007
Hang On
I'm on holiday in Greece, I'll tell you about it when I get back next week. No need to comment about all year/all over tan etc. I get those comments every time I go on holiday and I can't be arsed to reply anymore.
Oh yes, now that I've had time to relax think about it I withdraw my comments about not being a git anymore. So nuts to the lot of you, stop reading my blog, go on bugger off! yeh and thanks for the f&^*ing support.
JJ
Oh yes, now that I've had time to relax think about it I withdraw my comments about not being a git anymore. So nuts to the lot of you, stop reading my blog, go on bugger off! yeh and thanks for the f&^*ing support.
JJ
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Afore ye go!
It's the Bell's whisky slogan (vile stuff).
Writing and reading lists is one of the staples of the good blogger, one of the other's is writing your blog when you should be working, which I never do and I don't recommend or condone such nefarious activity. Bloody phone's ringing again, sod it they can leave a message if its important.
So here's my list of twenty things to do before I die. I was going to write a hundred but not only am I too lazy to do a hundred things I'm too idle to write a list that long. Actually, I think of these lists like those "To Do" lists at work or the "Tasks" in Outlook, I spend all day editing the lists and never actually do any of the things on them.
1. Mud-wrestling with Kylie Minogue (see previous post), but instead of cold mud it'll be warm tapioca because there's no other human use for tapioca. You certainly shouldn't be eating the foul stuff
2. Turn into a Dolphin. I once did this in a dream, it's quite painful until you get into the water but then the water feels really nice against Dolphin skin and it doesn't wrinkle even if you stay in water for ages. I wish I'd dreamed about being a shark, maybe I will one day.
3. Get a brand new Mercedes for free. My Loving Employer is taking care of this even now.
4. Win the US Open (Golf). Granted this is unlikely but I've started having lessons and I own a real golf ball. Just need a club and bag and I'm on my way but I can't decide which colour club to get. Silver ones look nice but orange is a warmer colour, I like orange. I might get a hat too.
5. Win the lottery. Only snag-ette is I've never actually bought a ticket (in Belgium anyway). I'm waiting for a sign. An astrologer once told me I had a good chance of winning. She also told me I'd be married before the age of thirty five, she didn't tell me I'd get divorced before the age of thirty five though, bitch, that could've saved me a few quid.
6. Become an MEP. David Cameron sent me some stuff to read, I'll get round to it one day. But the way Chimpy Dave is going it looks like he might become an MEP before I do.
7. Learn French. To speak, read and write it too. Despite all my fancy pants and plans to bake bread at home I am officially illiterate in Belgium. It came as something of a shock when I realised that. What really hurts is I can't even say "thick bastard" in French (or Flemmish) and that's completely undermining my self-deprecating British sense of homous.
8. Stop being a git. This is really difficult, I've always wanted to be an old git, even before Harry Enfield's Old Gits. I practice quite a lot (being a git), girlfriend doesn't appreciate it much but the thing with relationships is; if the person your with now is less of a git than the last person you were with, then you're happy. I really need to stop being a git.
9. something about recycling or doing volunteer work in Africa etc.
errrm, I can't be bothered anymore. Oh here's one for you, you can write a list of "shit posts that don't do what they say they'll do" and you can put this one on it. You'll notice I haven't tagged anyone with this list so please don't tag me with your Shit List.
Thanks heaps, I'm off to plan my re-incarnation now so cheeriebye!
JJ
Writing and reading lists is one of the staples of the good blogger, one of the other's is writing your blog when you should be working, which I never do and I don't recommend or condone such nefarious activity. Bloody phone's ringing again, sod it they can leave a message if its important.
So here's my list of twenty things to do before I die. I was going to write a hundred but not only am I too lazy to do a hundred things I'm too idle to write a list that long. Actually, I think of these lists like those "To Do" lists at work or the "Tasks" in Outlook, I spend all day editing the lists and never actually do any of the things on them.
1. Mud-wrestling with Kylie Minogue (see previous post), but instead of cold mud it'll be warm tapioca because there's no other human use for tapioca. You certainly shouldn't be eating the foul stuff
2. Turn into a Dolphin. I once did this in a dream, it's quite painful until you get into the water but then the water feels really nice against Dolphin skin and it doesn't wrinkle even if you stay in water for ages. I wish I'd dreamed about being a shark, maybe I will one day.
3. Get a brand new Mercedes for free. My Loving Employer is taking care of this even now.
4. Win the US Open (Golf). Granted this is unlikely but I've started having lessons and I own a real golf ball. Just need a club and bag and I'm on my way but I can't decide which colour club to get. Silver ones look nice but orange is a warmer colour, I like orange. I might get a hat too.
5. Win the lottery. Only snag-ette is I've never actually bought a ticket (in Belgium anyway). I'm waiting for a sign. An astrologer once told me I had a good chance of winning. She also told me I'd be married before the age of thirty five, she didn't tell me I'd get divorced before the age of thirty five though, bitch, that could've saved me a few quid.
6. Become an MEP. David Cameron sent me some stuff to read, I'll get round to it one day. But the way Chimpy Dave is going it looks like he might become an MEP before I do.
7. Learn French. To speak, read and write it too. Despite all my fancy pants and plans to bake bread at home I am officially illiterate in Belgium. It came as something of a shock when I realised that. What really hurts is I can't even say "thick bastard" in French (or Flemmish) and that's completely undermining my self-deprecating British sense of homous.
8. Stop being a git. This is really difficult, I've always wanted to be an old git, even before Harry Enfield's Old Gits. I practice quite a lot (being a git), girlfriend doesn't appreciate it much but the thing with relationships is; if the person your with now is less of a git than the last person you were with, then you're happy. I really need to stop being a git.
9. something about recycling or doing volunteer work in Africa etc.
errrm, I can't be bothered anymore. Oh here's one for you, you can write a list of "shit posts that don't do what they say they'll do" and you can put this one on it. You'll notice I haven't tagged anyone with this list so please don't tag me with your Shit List.
Thanks heaps, I'm off to plan my re-incarnation now so cheeriebye!
JJ
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