Dime Novel: Diem Carpe

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day. That's what Latin teacher's tell you. Latin? wasn't your diem like a million years ago? History teachers always say "nothing is new, read history" Ok, instead of playing Vampire Wars on Facebook I'll read a book about some fat English king who executed his wives, that's equal.

I don't think so, but that's enough from me, here's the Dime Novel.

There was this soup waiter in an Italian restaurant and one day he told the chef his carrot and pumpkin soup looked like puke. Ever seen an Italian chef lose his rag? You don't want to. There's a pizza restaurant near where I used to live and the guy's wife came home one day to find him in bed with another woman, she stabbed him 49 times and went to jail. That's a true story.

But the soup waiter, that's another story. He was living on his own and his pride and joy was this guitar which had been given to him by an ex girlfriend, she acquired it when her ex-boyfriend ditched her and never came back for it. The guitar didn't even have a brand or anything, it seemed almost home made. After the soup waiter lost his job he took the guitar with him to the pub, in the morning, and just sat and played - for his own amusement but the bar owner was really impressed and offered him a gig.

The soup waiter did the gig but on the night he was attacked by a crazy guy who kept saying "you took my baby", turned out he was the ex-boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend. So, the soup waiter ended up in hospital where he fell in love with the breakfast porter, she was way younger than him but she had see through uniform so he could see her panties. Anyway, she had no interest in him so he eventually just walked out of the hospital and went back home.

He went back a couple of times for scans and check-ups but he didn't see the breakfast porter until about 5 years later, he was walking along the street and there she was. They went for a drink and he asked her out but she said she'd met a guy about a year before and moved in with him. They had a cat together.

The soup waiter eventually moved to another city and realised he was going to spend the rest of his life beating himself up because he didn't know what he wanted until it was too late. He had 20:20 hindsight.

Just when he thought he was too old and washed up, he met another woman. He thought she was way too smart for him and would get bored of him quickly but she didn't, he spent the rest of his life trying to make her happy, she always said "I'm already happy just being with you", but he never stopped trying.

JJ

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Monthly Payroll Procedure

I need your monthly onions by Friday
Why Friday?
Because that's when they do the payroll
How do you know it's that exact date?
It's the same date every month
But the same date every month isn't a Friday
But the payroll closes on Friday
So the date changes every month?
No, it has to be same date
When is it then?
Friday
What date is it on Friday?
I'll have to check
What date does the payroll close?
I don't know
So why do I have to send my onions by Friday?
Because the payroll closes on Friday
Will there be a payroll next month?
Not for you motherfucker.


JJ

Polygamists Weekly

The problem with Polygamy is that all men want to do it and no women do. Why the hell do they still have a weekly magazine? I really don't understand how these ridiculously one-sided ideas survive. Ok, I know some women do it, but those are the types who get excited when they see a three legged cat. Who want's to marry six of those?

What are the bigamists thinking at this stage? We'll get more interest if we start a magazine? How can they afford it? I have one girlfriend, no wives and a house. There is no way I can afford to fund a magazine about anything. How will a bigamist, with two wives, have that sort of disposable income? How do polygamists keep their magazine going? Because I don't think the regular people are buying it. I'm not. When I get my Badger Managers Monthly in the mailbox, she notices, "how much is that?", "when will you read it?" etc. What the fuck is she going to say if I get the Polygamists Weekly?

Can you imagine the classifieds "man with own teeth and sense of humour seeks six to eight women, preferably unrelated. Or nearest offer.". What about the horoscopes, "you will meet between three and nine potential partners today and if there's any time left you'll travel and win some money or a dental plan. But there really isn't enough time in the day for you to meet a long lost friend or relative, sorry." How does it work when you go to disneyland with a family ticket? "nine adults and seventeen children please, they're all under eleven, I mean the children".

In the end it's like all of those great ideas we have in the pub. Yeah polygamy sounds brilliant when it's me and five Super Models on a yacht, but the reality is me and a bunch of amateur boxers trying to sneak into to a theme park for our once-every-ten years holiday.

Baah!

G'night

JJ

Live News !!

Check this out, what a day!

Yesterday I had an exam for a professional qualification type of thing and I passed!

Then I drove back down the highway, really really fast with Ace of Spades playing at volume 11 !

When I got home I played on my drum kit for a bit and then played on my guitar both at volume 11 !

Next I went to the pub and bumped into my best friend.

Then my girlfriend turned up !

Then we found out it was Quiz Night.

We won the Quiz! Prize: 4 bottles of wine!

I was totally wrecked !

(I'm working from home this morning)

(actually, I'm writing this, but what the hell? it's lunch time)

Fantastic!

What a day !

I've never had so many !'s in one post !!

But it's totally justified !!!!

YAAY !!!

JJ !!

Dime Novel: Junk Blues

It was another rainy night in Eterbeek, I was double parked because I knew the cops wouldn't come out in the rain. The plastic black bar top was scratched to buggery and it was only a week old so I said to the guy "who the fuck puts plastic on a bar top? you should get wood", he passed me the cheese plate. This was how it went, he didn't speak English, I didn't speak French.

Actually, he didn't speack French either, he was Portugese. What could I do? This woman had been hassling me all night, even though I'd only been there an hour. She said she wanted sex but I got the impression she just wanted somewhere to spend the night. Well who takes a shopping trolley to a bar? Especially a trolley full of empty cans and plastic bottles.

Eventually I staggered out, alone, and got back into my car. The apartment was 15 meters away but I made it without being caught. As I walked to the door I glimpsed the cats running towards my car. They would play on it all night and leave muddy footprints to get at me. They didn't know it was smeared with chilli this time. Later on I watched in amusement as the cats vomitted in the bushes and muttered obscenities.

I slept well that night, I used to have a recurring dream that I was naked in the office but it seems to have gone away.

JJ