The Ides of February

Also known as "St Valentines Day", it's the fourteenth because it's a short month. Last october I wrote about Valentines Day and now I realise it was a really badly written thing, so I'm doing another one for to atone (it's not a bloody typo Zoe, that's how pirates speak).

Isn't it curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto but live in dread of St. Valentines day? The hype has elevated the day to a level of nonsense that no man can live up to, and most men can live up to a lot of nonsense, so what to do? How do we avoid this annual massacre?

The bloody problem is that to do something about it would require forethought and planning, if that was a option we wouldn't forget the wretched date to begin with. Cancelling The Day was suggested but almost caused a riot, why? Do you actually like those days when you can glower accross the breakfast table and say "You do know what day it is don't you?" Isn't that a bit sadistic? Give the poor sod a couple of days notice, then judge him.

Maybe I've got it all wrong, perhaps fear and mistrust are the true secrets of a long lasting relationship. Along with buckets of alcohol and a gym membership that stares at you like a lost cat, "I want to help but we're not allowed pets, how do I know you're really lost?", "oh ok! here have a Mento, now fuck off go on".

I took my car to be serviced for the first time (it was new) and now it feels like it's been violated, like someone else has been in it and it won't look me in the eye anymore. I feel bad, I didn't even think about it, just handed over the key and jumped on the metro without even looking back. We haven't played any cd's since, just driving to and from work in silence. No more singing out loud, being spotted at the traffic lights and laughing. I wonder if that'll ever happen again, I used to pretend it was embarrassing but I was happy really.

Nothing in the post today, two credit card bills and a brochure of bollocks from the Gym. If they had a porn channel on those little tv's in front of the treadmill I'd be running marathons by now, instead I've gained one and a half kilos. It would have been cheaper to just keep going to the pub.

I had hot dogs for dinner today, two hot dogs and a banana. Wonder what I'll have for breakfast? Coco Pops probably, unless I'm late then I'll just have a swig of diet coke as usual. But it's coke zero now, I was still drinking diet coke until someone told me that's for women and coke zero is for men. I have some really fucking insightful friends, this is what they know about. I actually switched! I dread to think where one reads such tripe, or why, could be in the small print of the gym brochure of bollocks. "Gym Etiquette" probably.

Still, it's gone midnight and the heating will be off in a few minutes so I'd better turn in. Never did sort out that Valentine lark, never mind it'll probably take care of itself in the end, most things usually do.

JJ

Life in the Movies

"do you want to be in my team?"
"no, fuck off, I only talk to you because we work together"

That's my view of team building, which is perfectly healthy because it takes all sorts to make a balanced team (but trying getting a corporate gobshite to admit that). However, outside the workplace I am somewhat more relaxed, expecially since I have a cellar full of booze in the new gaff. So, the Goth suggested this team building excercise and my answers are below.

If you do try it, please comment me a link. Please, please link me, I soooooo want to be in yooooouur teeeeeam! I haven't got any friends, my imaginary cactus ran away, who finished the milk? Stop laughing I KILL YOU.


IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool

Here are mine:

Opening Credits:
Death Row - Judas Priest

Waking Up:
Got The Live - Korn

First Day At School:
Turn the Page - Metallica

Making Your New Best Friend:
Miracle Man - Ozzy Osbourne

Falling In Love:
Burn In Hell - Judas Priest

Breaking Up:
Ek Dana - Daler Mehndi (Punjabi)

Prom:
Stronger - Hard-Fi

Graduation:
Angel - Judas Priest

Life's Okay:
Hysteria - Def Leppard

Death of a Close Friend:
Love Bites - QED, Def Leppard cover

Mental Breakdown:
Psycho Monkey - Joe Satriani

Driving:
California Dreamin' - Eagles

Flashback:
Another Rainy Night (without you) - Queensryche

Getting Back Together:
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

Wedding Scene:
Flute concerto in G minor - Vivaldi

Birth of Child:
Battery - Metallica

Car Accident:
Galan Gooriyan - Stereo Nation (Punjabi)

Final Battle:
Tumhen Dil Lagi Bhool Jani Paregee - Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn (Urdu / Punjabi)

Death Scene:
Bitter Peace - Slayer

Funeral Song:
Disconnected - Queensryche

End Credits:
You Are - Pearl Jam

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It's not all in English, but that's what came out of the thing so there it is.

JJ

Barak Obama

And that, my little munchkins, is my blatant hit pandering title. I know I've spelled it wrong, I'm aiming for a certain demographic [Dumbass Democrats. There are more than you'd think but not as many as Dumbass Republicans, "John McCain"? really!]. Soliciting Hits and such practices are quite properly frowned upon by good internet citizens. Well I'm not that good a citizen.

I'm no "Lex Luthor" but I'm far from being goody two-shoes-dull-as-ditchwater "Superman" [Boys under 11 demographic]. How many hit's am I getting now in these difficult time of the "Credit Crunch"? [Dumbass house-buying investors getting ripped off by banks and whose great plan is to Google "Credit Crunch" to save their mortgage demographic]

I once took a screen shot of someone's desktop, deleted all the desktop icons and put the picture up as wallpaper. It has to be a real no-hoper to make it really funny. He tried to click all the icons several times over and eventually he called IT support and got it fixed. But getting back to soliciting...

Yeeeh, the last "Superman" movie was a travesty, he might as well start the "Porn" career now; "Superman does the Dallas Cowboys Cheer Leading Squad" [11-75 male demographic]. That's just leaves gratuitous mention of Viagra [75+ male demographic] and that's the entire male population hitting my website. Yes, I said website, I know it's just a stupid blog but I tell people I have my own website, it sounds cool(er), I'm really that desperate. (Actually I only talk about it with three people, one being the one who got me started - he's the worst)

Now then, how to get women demographics. Hmmm....Ok, what do I know about women? Nothing. This sucks [18-65 unmarried demographic]. You see? I'm much more Lex than "Supertwat" [18+, married], gratuitus mention of "Barbie" and that just leaves [unmarried over 65] who won't mind being left out, they're used to it by now.

But I need the hits so; "Discount Zip-up Fur Lined Boots, Wholesale Cat Food and Febreeze Anti-Urine Formula one-stop shop" thanks for visiting my website.

The thing is, I'm trying to be nice to people this year, in real life, so all the uglyness is being channelled here, where I'm less likely to get a smack in the chops. So there's no need to be upset at all, "it's not you, it's me".

Oh, there's one more, the Gorilla demographic! There's only one but he's quite important so; "How to Succeed in an Emotionally Juvenile Society Ruled by Bald Monkeys without Resorting to Violence", I'm sure he's Googling that phrase on a regular basis. It's only one hit but sometimes he comes back for a second comment. Ok, he did that once.

Well, I hope you've learned something from this wantonness, if not go here and click an AD to generate some cash for me.

Obviously, Joliet Jakes Weekly wouldn't stoop to advertising and such vulgarity, just the normal vulgarity; blow jobs, oral sex, hand-jobs, stocking fetish, lesbians, leather knickers, furry bits, noodles, water sports, doggy, Portugese tuna, spin cycle, monthly cycle, bi-cycle, wheel barrow, cock-sparrow.

Thanks for visiting my website. Don't forget to click on the AD's here.

I'll be in the shower.

JJ

Chinese Democracy

I was listening away when I thought "blimey, is this still the first track? It's a bit long and whiney" but when I checked my Media Player (it's a sort of really small record player without records) and I was already on Track 4. Bummer, without the good band Axel Rose is just a whinging git. Chinese Democracy is no subject for a musical outing, it's just a naughty sound byte. Naughty like a child making fart noises, actually children making fart noises is really funny. What gets me is how they find it uproariously funny no matter how many times they do it. Memories, it was good when that was all it took to keep us entertained on a wet Wednesday afternoon.

Skiing was good this year, my friends are getting married in April, not all of them just two. Where does the time go eh? What happened to the three day week and holidays on Mars? Instead of that I'm sitting here praying for the 'phone to ring so that I can turn down the sound on the latest Guns n' Roses album (sorry, I can never remember if the apostrophe goes in front of the n or after it. I think there should be two really, when I was a teen I knew details like that, they were important). The rain washed all the snow away and now we're back to grey, grey concrete floors and walls, what a harsh environment we live in. Why does everything have to be metal and concrete? Why can't cars be made of foam? Or at least covered in foam and roads made of silk sheets? It would be great to get knocked over then, imagine how happy everyone would be wandering around drunk getting knocked over by foam cars and laughing and laughing. That's proper democracy.

And we could print nice things on the silk sheet roads like Cheese and Onion Sandwiches and Fish Oil Tablets. I want to go to work in carpet slippers and have Swiss drinking chocolate and big fat juicy oranges for breakfast, that's not unreasonable is it? Why not have a wall at the back of the office where we can throw paper towels soaked in paint? What's wrong with that, it doesn't harm anyone.

When you get right down to it we're not that far away from utopia now, just a few tweaks here and there. Kebabs should have feta included in the price not as an extra and they should stop calling them "Durums", Durum is a variety of wheat. I wonder who the prime minister is today? I'll send him my ideas along with my application to be MEP for Brussels, that would be a cool job. I'd make the secretariat hop on one leg for ten minutes after lunch and see how many of them throw up. What is a secretariat anyway? Not the horse...

Only two tracks to go, it's not getting any easier.

JJ

Monkey Business: It's the Ecomony, Stupid

This came on the email-vine joke circulation thing, well it's not really a joke but it's something you need to know, if you haven't figured it out yet...


Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!

It doesn't get much clearer than this........



"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

- Cicero - 55 B.C.

JJ - 2009 AD