Snowball in Gaza

Here's more year-end frolics, but before we start put one of these together:

"Snowball":

2 parts Advocaat (egg-nog, yellow egg based liquor)
Dash of lime cordial
Dash of orange cordial
6 parts lemonade (schwepps)
Rocket version – add 1 part vodka (ok 2, you naughty boy)

You can use fresh orange and lime, it'll tast less like a Labour Club ladies special.

Now reapeat that three or six times depending on the vodka level, by the end you should be ready to put the world to rights. Read on.

Festive spirit my arse, here are the crappyiest ten things of 2008, notwithstanding any late entries by Cliff Richard and the like:

1. Men's Lifestyle. Yet again this pointless topic has spawned a hundred magazine titles this year, despite liberal access to real porn on the web, the genre baffles me to the point of irretrievable tedium

2. Banks. Barely a day goes by when we don't hear about people losing their jobs, and not one single bank manager among them, not one investment broker, who or where are all those people who brought the worlds economy down? Why aren't the odious mongrels in prison?

3. Diesel fuel. It's costs just as much as petrol, the engines are noisy and smelly, it pollutes more than petrol. Keep it for trucks and buses please.

4. The Future Proof computer. With the advent of the disposable laptop I think the concept of the future proof forward compatible pc is proven to be an unmitigated pigs arse, complete with curly tail.

5. Johnathon Ross. Well it's about bloody time that outrageous charlatan was exposed for the blaggard that he is. Whenever he does make a re-appearance it will be too soon for me.

6. The person who left a long scratch on the boot of my car; you are an unashamed coward, show yourself and collect the thrashing that is due to you, you scoundrel

7. Global Warming. This summer was actually marginally worse than last years appalling effort, that Kyoto mob are an absolute shower, what a scandalous waste of money.

8. News coverage of Religious affairs. If you want a Christian view on current affairs you ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, an eminent well spoken man. If you want the Muslim view you ask that nutter from Finsbury Park with a Hook for a hand. Who decided this is balanced reporting? It's ridiculous, the man is a self proclaimed terrorist!

9. Gordon Brown. Well it would be remiss not have one mention of the unconscionable dullard. This man makes John Major look like a first rate strip show, thoroughly riveting no doubt. Is he still wearing his de-mob suit? For heaven's sake!

10. Sunday Newspaper Magazines. "What you eat is what you are?" for the fifty millionth time will you just bugger off with your half-arsed pseudo science. I'm not going to cry and I'm bloody proud of it, useless bunch of milksops.

Ring in the new year I say and not a minute to bloody soon either!

JJ

Me, me, me, me, me, me, I'm the Presi-debt !!!

Here's a bullet point list of things we're going fix in the world before the year end reports are due, it'll be good PR:

1. Make Finland part of Scandinavia, I'm sick of explaining that
2. Make the Falkand Islands part of Wales, it's a sheep thing
3. change February into Febury and Library into Libry, just do it - for America!
4. Cancel this nonsense "World Series" Baseball and teach them to play Cricket
5. Cancel all American sports and Aussie Rules football, learn to play global sports
6. Re-instate Aussie Rules Football, that last bit was just to stop Americans feeling victimised
7. Make New Zealand into the 7th Australian State, it's almost there anyway, its just paperwork now
8. Fidel Castro - give it up dude! move to Florida already
9. Stop this Champagne vs Sparkling Wine garbage, it's the same product. I want South African Champagne, as a consumer I demand it
10. Give Pakistan back to India. They've had sixty years of freedom it's clear they can't cope
11. fill the Isle of White with Chinese people! yay! The Isle of ChinaWhite
12. put polar bears on the Antarctic, because we need new nature documentaries, yay! polar bears eating penguins
13. Re-instate Chinese monarchy in Honk Kong, yay! King Kong!
14. Send more donkeys to Hong Kong, yay! Donkey Kong!

The problem with having a black president is you can't mock him without thinking "is that racist? will people think I'm racist?", fucking no fun boring talk-a-lot dried up twat president.

Hmmm... see you can't call me a racist, I've earned me a banana.

Doh! I'm not racist dammit! I saved the world not Gordon Brown, why can't he see that?!

JJ

Uncivil War

Does anyone know why the UN is still fighting Afghanistan? I assume the US had the backing of the UN to go there (knowing full well they didn't, so what the fuck is the UN doing there now?). This war is completely irrelevant in practice but some people feel the need to air these concerns. ie. Me.

I know that we had to oust the Taleban because they killed their people, like all those African countries do every day and New Orleans in a hurricane. The UN doesn't find African "defence" very sexy, or is it the US doesn't give a rat's arse (ass) about Africa. Why do they care about Afghanistan? The biggest change in Afghanistan since the war began is they have regained their position as number one heroin exporter to the world. Why do you think the street prices came down a couple of years ago? Don't tell me you didn't notice. Why would the US government want more drugs in their country? Drugs are evil, governments are there to protect us.

What's Iraq done since the War of Liberation? Operation "Restore Freedom" or "Oil (for) Liberty" was a resounding success because now the streets are besieged with suicide bombers and most of the people live in fear and abject poverty. It's like Swindon without white people. Imagine being the poorer, duller cousin of Bristol, you literally are just one stop away from Wales and marrying your cousin (from Swindon).

Who else can I inslut today? I mean insult. There's no point insulting Australia because they really are at the arse-end of nowhere, it's true. Only New Zealand can dispute that title, yeh yeh Lord of the Rings, what have you done lately? Canada; Why does the only country with more guns than U S of Arse have a teeny tiny murder rate? Because they're all drunk, couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. Argentina, the Bournemouth of Nazi Germany (or the Florida of Nazi Germany if you is Arse), started a "war" with England over the Falkland Islands. What kind of comedy war was that? It was like an Eskimo trying to hijack a barbecue with a plastic knife. The knife melted when he got too close and the Eskimo was too hot so he took his hood off and gave his face away, bloody idiot.

Yes I said "England", because it's always England when we win, "Britain" when we lose and when the Scots or Welsh win something they become "British". That's how United our Kingdom is, why any of these countries want to be in Europe is a bloody mystery to me.

Ok, either this is going to take all night or I'll have to insult continent by continent. Europe; you know this fabulous old architecture you're always harping on about, fucking knock it down already, it stinks of mildew and piss. Build some straight roads. Asia; get a proper job and stop fucking staring at me, Antartica; stop complaining about how fucking hot it is, can't you do something to help? And those other two continents too, say something funny or fuck off.

Did you know that Venus is the only planet that rotates anti-clockwise? What can our planet do? Nothing, it's just endless bitching and whining about ozone, greenhouse gas, fossil fuel and fucking Dolphins in tuna nets. Fuck 'em, shoot the Dolphins. I want to see some anti-clockwise turns and while you're at it time should flow backwards at least once a week.

There, I've insulted the entire planet and now I'm going to play in the garden.

You do know what this is about don't you? That Bagpuss bloke died, Oliver Postgate, he did the clangers too. I wanted to be the Soup Dragon, or Professor Yattle. Bum. I've still got Chorlton the Ravenous Vampire though, that's quite fun with all the minions collecting blood for the fighting....yeeeh, love childrens programs.

JJ

Unmersion

What the hell is “mersion” ? the opposite of immersion? They shouldn’t be allowed to have the “im” word if the other part isn’t a word to begin with. Inflammable means the same as flammable, what the hell is the point of that extra word then? We might as well speak French. Why isn’t there an “unflammable” it makes perfect sense.

As you might have guessed, today’s theme is Hell. Hell hasn’t quite frozen ever yet but Brussels almost has and that’s near enough for me. Hang on, I’ll get me tights and quill I can feel a spirit within:

Yes its snowing like bloody hell here,
Getting in my hair and eyes,
Hellish eyes red with rage and torment,
Quivering like two ripe tomatoes on a Queensland beach.

A diabolically possessed beach
With jellyfish the size of a man!
Baking on the salty silicon compounds!!
Casting evil aspersions towards Tasmania

Ahhh Tasmania, the home of The Devil
Hell itself, off the coast of Victoria,
In all her dark splendour,
Still mourning Albert after all these years.

All these years, they’ve gone away,
And taken those things that get better with time,
Have they? Will they? Or are we just delicate jellyfish,
Burning on the paradise of Queensland beaches.


Yes I like a good Christmas poem, the snow put me in the mood for it. When it’s snowing people want to hear about beaches and warm things, so throw in a bit of retrospection and melancholy and “Bob’s your uncle”, you’ve got yourself a recipe for a commercialised version of a two thousand year old festival stolen from pagans. That’s what my work was trying to encapsulate.

By “work” I mean that poem. It’s not only dead people’s poems that are called their “work” or “works”, mine is work too. It was hard work writing it and I’m sure it’s going to be bloody hard work reading it.

But that’s enough lunch, back to work.

JJ

Oh My God! The Cat!

I know that we're supposed to cut down on salt to reduce our blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and/or hypertension, whatever that is, so I bought some "Lo Salt". At first I didn't want it because I figured it's just Salt with less Salt in it, I'm paying more for less. That's like buying a six pack of beer with only five cans in it, why would I do that?

Then I looked closer, it's the same amount, only the sodium is reduced. That should be impossible, salt is half and half of sodium and chlorine. Sodium is what makes street lamps glow and chlorine is used to neutralise pee in swimming pools - yum, tasty!

So how do they reduce Sodium? I'll tell you, they've replaced 66% of the Sodium Chloride with Potassium Chloride. That's what fertiliser is made of. In essence I'm putting some "synthetic shit" and vinegar on my chips.

AND, here's another use of Potassium Chloride; to induce a heart attack. Yes that's right, it's number three of the three injections used to carry out the Death Penalty in certain Unliterate States of Arse. This is what I'm using in my health kick to avoid heart problems, fucking maaarvellous!

You can check the labelling in your local supermarket, all of the above is true. (The lethal injections are in the Personnel Hygiene aisle, fourth left after the free range carrots or whatever the fuck is in Produce Offers this week). But really, it's all true.

Why? Why oh why are these huge faceless corporations poisoning us? You may be aware that during the first and second world wars cigarettes were advertised as being "just the ticket after a long day in the trenches", soldiers were given cigarettes as part of their daily food ration. Can you imagine the government handing out free cigarettes? I don't see why not actually, the bastards haven't stopped short on any other money making rip-off for their own ends. Back then it was cigarettes, today it's Death Penalty Chemicals in your salt.

In about twenty years time people are going to be dying of "Death Penalty Heart Attack" and then we'll start buying Potassium Free Salt, which will of course be a little more expensive. Maybe they'll put Arsenic Chloride in it, that sounds harmless enough. There's only one way out of this vicious salt circle really, stop using salt. Consumerism Flag; there's enough salt in food without adding more at the table, it's just more shit that we're hooked on but we don't need.

All this talk about death and poison, I'm hungry now, where's my hunting baguette? I'll wait here by the Cat Flap, "here pussy pussy, open the flap"

Why does it always end with me trying to ensnare some pussy with a piece of stale bread?

I have to move back closer to the city, or hire a stripper for sunday evenings in, goodnight.

JJ