Why do people say mad things like "a whale isn't a fish, it's a mammal". Look at it, it's a massive huge fish in the sea, see any giraffes in the sea? no because it's a mammal, stop talking bollocks.
Another classic "a tomato isn't a vegetable, it's a fruit", well take it out of your salad and put it in your cake then. Or better still, shove it up your arse.
Here's a good one "bears are more scared of you than you are of them", that's just horseshit, what the f*ck are you talking about? Have you ever seen a real bear? They're massive with huge teeth and claws.
"the best way to deal with a shark is to punch it on the nose". I think there's a better way, shoot it with a harpoon gun before it gets anywhere near you.
"you shouldn't give money to the homeless they waste it on drugs", that's not a waste actually, they're quiet when they're stoned it's better for everyone.
"A penguin is the only bird that can swim." A penguin isn't a bird, birds have feathers and fly through the air, that's what makes them birds. I know what a bird looks like and that isn't it.
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", what kind of garbage is that? I you're standing in a field with a bird in your hand you need to be arrested and/or locked up.
In fact anything at all to do with birds is absolute hogwash, birds are crazy, and so are cats, bats, rats and silly hats.
I'm going back to lunch now, then I'm going to write a report about something, I haven't decided what yet but I've already got a circulation list in mind, it's f*cking huge!
JJ
Monday, 27 October 2008
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Me and The Shah
The other day I spent half an hour trawling the internet for pictures of the former Shah of Iran. Apparently, according the corner shop man from Iran and his brother, the former Shah and I share a striking resemblence.
I won't be visiting Isreal any time soon then. However, I couln't find one scrap of evidence to support this anecdotal mayonnaise so I have rejected the comparison. I'm still not going to Isreal though, I'm just less apparently opposed to not going. I mean I wouldn't want my appearance to spark off a disturbance, it wouldn't be the first time.
Actually, now that I think of it, the corner shop man looks like an Iranian Jimmy Greaves, watching him and me talk must be like watching the Iranian Twilight Zone, in colour. (by the way; I'm not Iranian, I just have a habit of staring at people)
It's a shame in a way. Why can't I look like the other one? The one that pronounces fatwahs and jihads, that would be much more fun, better than that Voodoo Golf nonsense anyway.
Still, that's another Sunday afternoon, more tea anyone?
JJ
I won't be visiting Isreal any time soon then. However, I couln't find one scrap of evidence to support this anecdotal mayonnaise so I have rejected the comparison. I'm still not going to Isreal though, I'm just less apparently opposed to not going. I mean I wouldn't want my appearance to spark off a disturbance, it wouldn't be the first time.
Actually, now that I think of it, the corner shop man looks like an Iranian Jimmy Greaves, watching him and me talk must be like watching the Iranian Twilight Zone, in colour. (by the way; I'm not Iranian, I just have a habit of staring at people)
It's a shame in a way. Why can't I look like the other one? The one that pronounces fatwahs and jihads, that would be much more fun, better than that Voodoo Golf nonsense anyway.
Still, that's another Sunday afternoon, more tea anyone?
JJ
Friday, 17 October 2008
Continuity Announcment
For those who don't pay attention to these things, for shame, I'll point out the new links in my list. I'm quite particular about my list, it's shorter than most and I go to quite a lot of trouble to filter out the riff-raff so I think you should make the effort to look at these:
Publog - great for expats, it's just like being in a pub in the old country
Belgian Waffle - quite entertainingly funny, if nothing else you have to read this post about vegetables.
Strawberries Champagne - this is very nicely done, just have look for pete's sake thats all I'm asking
Errr, yeh, that's it.
JJ
Publog - great for expats, it's just like being in a pub in the old country
Belgian Waffle - quite entertainingly funny, if nothing else you have to read this post about vegetables.
Strawberries Champagne - this is very nicely done, just have look for pete's sake thats all I'm asking
Errr, yeh, that's it.
JJ
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Environment Mental
Here's how it's going to be, so get wise and listen to that voice in your head (it's you reading my blog). All these people driving about in their gas guzzling cars with three or four empty seats are going become pariahs. I don't mean the little fish with really sharp teeth. It's going the same way as smoking, being on your own in a car will become an anti-social thing, ie. only Belgians will want to do it. Cars will no longer be owned by individuals at all, they will be owned by groups.
The cars will drive themselves with speaking GPS gadgets, they'll pick up and drop off people and then park themselves somewhere out of the way. And the speaking gps will say things like "how was your day? I've had a fucking nightmare, the traffic on the outer ring was a right bastard and then I couldn't find a parking spot for love nor money".
In the future we will be able to have a nice walk in the park and not be harrased by ducks begging for bread and threatening us with tasers. We had a lovely duck breast dinner recently with some freinds, I laughed myself to sleep afterwards, "not so tough when you're under the grill eh donald? Ha hahaaa".
The cats have been playing on my car, they've left muddy footprints all over it. Well take note little feline Salman Rushdies, I've got a brand new Driver (it's a golf club) and I'm just waiting for the chance to use it. Is it just me or does anyone else think Salman Rushdie looks like he's been whacked in the face with a driver.
It's rather convenient isn't it that cats don't have finger prints, I'd have caught them by now. Do any animals have fingerprints? Dogs have nose prints, they should be made to carry ID cards if they don't have prints, that's Gordon Brown logic. ID Cards to fight terrorism, ID cards will stop the cats playing on my car.
Imagine if fish had fingerprints they would be fishfingerprints, it's rare we get the opportunity to stick words together like that in English. The Germans are fluent at it, the downside is of course that they have a very tiny vocabulary and small dictionaries. Saucepan is another one, was this really invented just to make Sauce? Was there a time in English history when people needed so much sauce that someone invented this pan especially and marketed it as mass consumer product? Imagine doing that now, invent a friedchickenpan and see how many people buy it. Actually people probably would buy it, they buy any old rubbish these days.
I get really annoyed when I'm a watching a cookery program and they have some top chef saying things like "this is such a good cut of meat all we need to do is simply pan fry it lightly and let the flavours come out on their own". I'm not watching your program to see you put a piece of chicken in a frying pan, I can already do that. Do something creative, teach me something and stop being a pretentious tosser. Imagine if I went to the executive board and said "the new corporate website is on Facebook, it's beauty is it's simplicity". They'd hand me my dick on a plate. Lightly pan fried probably, they have a very dry sense of humour.
Yep, the environment is here to stay. Unless we can pull out the whole thing and put in a new one (see New Scientist in August). If that happens, the new version should have less oxygen in the middle eastern area, calm them down a bit. And we could swap modern Texas with South Africa from the seventies just to see if anyone notices.
I have nothing against South Africans, it's comforting to know that if I ever need a drunken bigot with army training I know exactly where to find one. Same applies to Texas and any country with military service. Imagine how many Mexicans would be living in Texas if there was no oil there. I'll tell you what, there would'nt be any Mexicans living in Mexico that's for sure.
Yeeeeh.
JJ
The cars will drive themselves with speaking GPS gadgets, they'll pick up and drop off people and then park themselves somewhere out of the way. And the speaking gps will say things like "how was your day? I've had a fucking nightmare, the traffic on the outer ring was a right bastard and then I couldn't find a parking spot for love nor money".
In the future we will be able to have a nice walk in the park and not be harrased by ducks begging for bread and threatening us with tasers. We had a lovely duck breast dinner recently with some freinds, I laughed myself to sleep afterwards, "not so tough when you're under the grill eh donald? Ha hahaaa".
The cats have been playing on my car, they've left muddy footprints all over it. Well take note little feline Salman Rushdies, I've got a brand new Driver (it's a golf club) and I'm just waiting for the chance to use it. Is it just me or does anyone else think Salman Rushdie looks like he's been whacked in the face with a driver.
It's rather convenient isn't it that cats don't have finger prints, I'd have caught them by now. Do any animals have fingerprints? Dogs have nose prints, they should be made to carry ID cards if they don't have prints, that's Gordon Brown logic. ID Cards to fight terrorism, ID cards will stop the cats playing on my car.
Imagine if fish had fingerprints they would be fishfingerprints, it's rare we get the opportunity to stick words together like that in English. The Germans are fluent at it, the downside is of course that they have a very tiny vocabulary and small dictionaries. Saucepan is another one, was this really invented just to make Sauce? Was there a time in English history when people needed so much sauce that someone invented this pan especially and marketed it as mass consumer product? Imagine doing that now, invent a friedchickenpan and see how many people buy it. Actually people probably would buy it, they buy any old rubbish these days.
I get really annoyed when I'm a watching a cookery program and they have some top chef saying things like "this is such a good cut of meat all we need to do is simply pan fry it lightly and let the flavours come out on their own". I'm not watching your program to see you put a piece of chicken in a frying pan, I can already do that. Do something creative, teach me something and stop being a pretentious tosser. Imagine if I went to the executive board and said "the new corporate website is on Facebook, it's beauty is it's simplicity". They'd hand me my dick on a plate. Lightly pan fried probably, they have a very dry sense of humour.
Yep, the environment is here to stay. Unless we can pull out the whole thing and put in a new one (see New Scientist in August). If that happens, the new version should have less oxygen in the middle eastern area, calm them down a bit. And we could swap modern Texas with South Africa from the seventies just to see if anyone notices.
I have nothing against South Africans, it's comforting to know that if I ever need a drunken bigot with army training I know exactly where to find one. Same applies to Texas and any country with military service. Imagine how many Mexicans would be living in Texas if there was no oil there. I'll tell you what, there would'nt be any Mexicans living in Mexico that's for sure.
Yeeeeh.
JJ
Friday, 10 October 2008
Hay-yelp!
According to Stephen Hawking's anthropomorphic principle the answer to the question "why are we here?" is "because we are here". As far as I understand it, he is saying that having evolved to the point we are at now, we are now able to ask such complex questions as "why are we here?". See? It's because we are here.
It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".
Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".
Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?
Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?
Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?
Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!
JJ
It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".
Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".
Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?
Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?
Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?
Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!
JJ
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