Ouch! Stop it!

Now that Brussels is in a heightened state of terrorist alert I have to say I feel much more relaxed about going on the metro. It's about time they sealed off the waste bins down there, what have they been waiting for?

It's nice to see the authorities acting like this, usually people have to die before anything gets done. Does anyone feel like we are now also embroiled in The War Against Terror? Or were we more roused by the Sales? Perhaps neither.

Isn't it odd that the Americans have been bombing Afghanistan for four years now and they're still not finished? Just how big is this country? (647,500 sq kilometres, just a bit smaller than Texas). According to Google the population of Afghanistan is now 31,889,923 which is pretty much the same as it was five years ago, are they dropping water bombs or they just bombing the same little village every week? Are they even in Afghanistan? I've seen the pictures on the news but frankly that could be Arkansas for all I know, it wouldn't be a huge shock if Dubya had sent them to the wrong place.

The population of Iraq is now 27,499,638 I make that an increase of 7 since the war on terror began. 51 people die every day from suicide explosions (the 1 being the bomber), thats about ten times the success rate of the American bombs. What the hell is going on there? Does it really matter if the Americans stay or go? Most of the damage is what those people are doing to each other. The birth rate must be astronomical to keep up that population count, I guess the new borns are half American which would explain the lack of progress on the military front, too busy to fight. Imagine if America bombed Sweden for four years, assuming they could find it first, surely they would have surrendered by now. I think it's safe to say anyone can pick a fight with the modern American military, they are utterly useless.

I bet the Brussels bloggers group, armed with a handful of rocks and a few camels could invade Charleroi and challenge the American army to take it back. The hard part would be invading Charleroi, how do you get four camels into a taxi? (don't send in the answer, there are no prizes attached to this nonsense)

Needless to say I'm not a military expert by any stretch of the imagination and I don't gamble for obvious reasons. The rest is all true, it's all true, we're doomed, doomed! We're all going to hell in a hand cart!

But that's a long way away, today we're just going to Aachen for a party and I need to get some new skiing gloves to go skiing with.

JJ

Travel XVI, Here and There

Yeeeh, I've been having a wander, last week I was in Helsinki for a couple of days, the view from the office shows a largely frozen Baltic sea which still looks odd no matter how many times I see it. Other that that it's quite mild for the time of year, apart from the freezing wind, that was horrible. No snow, that was wierd, the fins are all disorientated because they didn't get a white christmas.

The Elk Burger was very nice, unlike reindeer they don't farm the elk it's always caught in the wild, lean and tasty. The wolf and bear populations are up again and some people want to resume hunting them too. The skins are still used for clothing and some people even eat bear meat.

The week before that I had a drive to Den Haag. Almost had KFC for dinner but my boss was there and I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much with him tagging along. The Dutch don't have the interesting wildlife of the Fins and their wind is warmer but somehow I think that makes the trip less entertaining.

But this weekend we've been to Baden-Baden for a fabulous party. It's only a four hour drive through France and Luxembourg into Germany, we left on friday morning and came back this afternoon. Even in that small amount of time the French managed to extract two toll charges in each direction for a grand total of 22 euro. Bloody cheek, as if they don't syphon enough cash out of me via the EU on top of double charging of rent in Strasbourg. It was a fortieth in a private function room, formal dinner and some less than formal dancing afterwards. Tremendous fun.

So, after all that it's back to watching snooker on TV. Looks like Selby to win, he only needs one more frame and Lee needs seven. I still haven't unwrapped my Spiderman game and I'll probably be too busy again this week there's another trip to Helsinki in the pipeline.

Hmmm... I think I'd better put the kettle on.

JJ

TWAT : The War Against Terror

There now follows a short lesson in the use of CAPITAL LETTERS to carry a debate in absence of facts and evidence:

In memory of Tony Blair I've decided to join TWAT and do my bit to publish some bloated hot air and hyperbole in the name of protecting YOUR freedom and the freedom of THE ENTIRE WESTERN WORLD.

When I say ENTIRE WESTERN WORLD I am including Indian democracy and similar, also Saudia Arabia although it's ruled by a despotic monarchy and Pakistan even though it's ruled by a military dictator. There are lots of dictators on our side but that's ok because they are the GOOD DICTATORS, they're helping us.

By the end of the 10's (31st December 2019), everyone, including the families of suicide bombers, will have had at least one friend or relative killed by a terrorist. That's a FACT and that includes YOU. In the last 20 years the amount of oil extracted and refined in the world has steadily increased and will continue to do so for another 30 years. Oil is the only commodity whose price goes up as supply increases. That is why it is absolutely critical that we DO NOT capture Osama Bin Laden, the global arms trade may never recover from the loss of such a villian.

This is what TWAT is all about. Our audience is the TV generation, we need to bring more horrors and threats to the screen every day if we are going to get ratings and votes. In the future we will have to make video games more explicit and bloody so that people can't really tell the difference when when they see the collateral damage news footage.

Again, WE CONDEMN all forms of non-democratic rule; except in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Kuwait and certain other countries. We fought a war to keep Kuwait in the control of the Kuwati royal family, that should be a clear signal to the world. WE restored that MONARCHY without even a hint of discussion about creating a democracy once the Tyrant Saddam Hussain had disposed of the Kuwati dictators.

TWAT is coming; to wipe out selected enemies of democracy. 28 days delivery includes postage and packing, offer does not apply to friends or relatives of poor countries like Tibet, they will be aided by certain Hollywood personalities and/or Richard Gere, subject to availability and appearance fees.

Fetch the gattling gun George my boy! there's doin's a-foot!


JJ

Tuna Tale

Tim: I had that dream again
Tom: The one where you’re sitting on top of a huge baked potato?
Tim: No, the one where I’m sitting on a piece of bread covered in mayonnaise and there’s bits of salad falling out of the sky
Tom: Have you noticed how Dolphins don’t hang around with us anymore?
Tim: Yeh, since “the disappearances” started the Dolphins have been pretty scarce, they must have a hand in it
Tom: Can’t trust Dolphins
Tim: Nah, but they’re not as bad as sea horses
Tom: Yeh, that’s a screwed up piece of evolution, a horse that lives in the sea, no wonder they’re all mental. How do they swim when they haven’t got any fins?
Tim: Dunno, I was never any good at biology. Are you going to vote in the elections?
Tom: Probably, I might vote Blue Fin this time, Yellow Fin have had it easy for too long
Tim: Switching sides eh? Fair enough I suppose, they’re all the same anyway. Seen any good movies lately?
Tom: Nah, usual rubbish. Finding Nemo. Completely unrealistic, what does he eat? They don’t show that because they know he eats smaller fish and then he wouldn't be so cute would he? Shark Tale was complete rubbish, making them out to be some kind of organised gang that holds meetings. They’re just single minded killers everyone knows that, they don’t stop for a chat
Tim: Yeh, they got that right in Jaws
Tom: Yeh, world’s going soft now, it’s all that politically correct nonsense. You’re not supposed to blame the shark for being a killer, it’s his upbringing see, he’s a victim of social circumstance
Tim: Right, yeh, but what about the victims of his murderous teeth eh? Who care’s about them? No one, it’s all backwards
Tom: Yeh, all sharks should be harpooned on sight, no questions asked
Tim: Yep, you got that right
Tom: Yep

THE END

JJ

Patron Saint of The Lads

I don't know where you stand on this whole nativity lark but I reckon Joseph is The Man by any definition. Not only did he get Mary pregnant but he got away with it, how? He blamed God. Unbelievable! This man has more front than Blackpool, Brighton and Weston-Super-Mare put together.

For the rest of the story he plays the humble carpenter, helping Mary to find some digs and so on. Are we supposed to believe he just did this out of the goodness of his heart? No guilt trip going on there then, he's just a jolly decent chap helping out the luckless Mary Mother of God. I can see how he could trick an innocent young girl; sex education wasn't widespread in those days, nor was any other sort of education. "I just have to put this in here to help the swelling. I learned it from a travelling faith healer, Chinese I think, they're very clever the Chinese". A month later the swelling finally subsided when Mary honked all over the duvet.

It's the next bit that doesn't fit, how do you get from morning sickness to virgin birth? Again, convincing the gormless Mary Mother of God is the easy bit, "errrmm... the er like holy ghost was here, and errr.. you were asleep, I tried to stop him, really, but he's like really scary and stuff. Errr...huhu, you'd better wash those sheets", "No way Joseph, they're your sheets, your mom should wash 'em", "It's your barf buttmunch, I'm gonna kick your ass", "I'm gonna kick your ass". Yes it should read like a script from Beavis and Butthead. I can see those two idiots going along with it but how did he convince the neighbours let alone anyone else? What Holy Ghost? It didn't exist until then, he just made it up to blame someone else for the Mary's condition.

That's the true miracle of Christmas, Joseph scored, blamed God and got away with it. Well good luck to him. Here we are, two thousand years later, sitting around the kitchen table drinking egg-nog because Joseph couldn't face up to his responsibility and he didn't have the balls to do a runner.

Jesus was far more likely to be Joseph's son that God's, as you can read later in The Book. Fair enough him telling the prostitute Mary Magdalene to go reform herself, but then why does she keep popping up later in the story? Is it really necessary to have a hooker* hanging around The Saviour and twelve other men who left their wives to go on a road trip? Unless it was a rugby tour*, I'd say no, the boy was clearly influenced by his old fella*.

Why isn't Joseph's story told? I can think of a few fellas who could have used his ideas. Anyway, go Joseph! Patron Saint of The Lads!

JJ

*Hooker is one of the playing positions in Rugby. Not withstanding that both types of hookers are usually required on a rubgy tour
*Old fella refers to Joseph at the same as being a metaphor for the One Eyed Trouser Snake. Well, how do you refer to the Son of God's appendage? It's not something to be taken lightly, Mary can vouch for that, I meant Magdalene not the other one**.

**It was Oedipus doing the horizontal dance with mother (now that was one fucked up individual)