I was listening away when I thought "blimey, is this still the first track? It's a bit long and whiney" but when I checked my Media Player (it's a sort of really small record player without records) and I was already on Track 4. Bummer, without the good band Axel Rose is just a whinging git. Chinese Democracy is no subject for a musical outing, it's just a naughty sound byte. Naughty like a child making fart noises, actually children making fart noises is really funny. What gets me is how they find it uproariously funny no matter how many times they do it. Memories, it was good when that was all it took to keep us entertained on a wet Wednesday afternoon.
Skiing was good this year, my friends are getting married in April, not all of them just two. Where does the time go eh? What happened to the three day week and holidays on Mars? Instead of that I'm sitting here praying for the 'phone to ring so that I can turn down the sound on the latest Guns n' Roses album (sorry, I can never remember if the apostrophe goes in front of the n or after it. I think there should be two really, when I was a teen I knew details like that, they were important). The rain washed all the snow away and now we're back to grey, grey concrete floors and walls, what a harsh environment we live in. Why does everything have to be metal and concrete? Why can't cars be made of foam? Or at least covered in foam and roads made of silk sheets? It would be great to get knocked over then, imagine how happy everyone would be wandering around drunk getting knocked over by foam cars and laughing and laughing. That's proper democracy.
And we could print nice things on the silk sheet roads like Cheese and Onion Sandwiches and Fish Oil Tablets. I want to go to work in carpet slippers and have Swiss drinking chocolate and big fat juicy oranges for breakfast, that's not unreasonable is it? Why not have a wall at the back of the office where we can throw paper towels soaked in paint? What's wrong with that, it doesn't harm anyone.
When you get right down to it we're not that far away from utopia now, just a few tweaks here and there. Kebabs should have feta included in the price not as an extra and they should stop calling them "Durums", Durum is a variety of wheat. I wonder who the prime minister is today? I'll send him my ideas along with my application to be MEP for Brussels, that would be a cool job. I'd make the secretariat hop on one leg for ten minutes after lunch and see how many of them throw up. What is a secretariat anyway? Not the horse...
Only two tracks to go, it's not getting any easier.
JJ
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Friday, 23 January 2009
Monkey Business: It's the Ecomony, Stupid
This came on the email-vine joke circulation thing, well it's not really a joke but it's something you need to know, if you haven't figured it out yet...
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 B.C.
JJ - 2009 AD
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 B.C.
JJ - 2009 AD
Monday, 19 January 2009
Bailout Bailout
Why aren't Churches asking for a bailout in these difficult times? They've been in a recession for ages, well since the middle ages anyway. I don't understand it, how did a bunch of illiterate bumpkins figure that the steam engine proves God doesn't exist? I know they invented the steam engine but that was just one guy, a Scotsman who only did it because he was too tight to buy a horse. Hardly the same as enlightenment is it?
Churches don't need a bailout because they are rich, filthy rich and corrupt. That's all I have to say, I have not one scrap of evidence and have not even attempted research. I'm going to do what those marketing types do, just repeat the message until it becomes "conventional wisdom". All Churches are rich, filthy rich and corrupt.
But what if they wanted a spiritual bailout? Something to put the faith back amongst the masses. They could start by putting more wine in The Masses! (that's a stinker isn't it? I know). Use Temptation as leverage to bolster the ratings instead of avoiding it all the time.
So, spiritual bailout, here goes;
You are poor because the filthy money lenders (banks) and whores (government) stole your money. But now you don't need money because you can Save Your Soul by following these instructions presented on behalf of, but not in conjunction with, the Roman Catholic Church:
Create a Folder on your desktop called "Catholic Church", open the folder, right-click to open a new document in Word, on the first line type "Soul", on the second line type "Property of " and your name, then click on File and Save, the filename will be "Soul" by default, click Save, you have now saved your soul in Catholic Church. Close the document and take a generous swig of wine and nibble some bread (or crisps etc) and say "this is the blood of Jesus and this is his flesh and I'm a consumer, Ahmen".
Whenever you feel down just open the document and save it again, swig, nibble, say the verse and repeat until the down feeling goes away, it will work eventually but you must have faith.
In this way the Church is modernised with modern technology, personalised, localised, easy to access, splendid, it's what you deserve as modern, independent, free people. Give some money to the Church too, those man-dresses aren't cheap.
Thank you, blessed are the meat.
JJ
Churches don't need a bailout because they are rich, filthy rich and corrupt. That's all I have to say, I have not one scrap of evidence and have not even attempted research. I'm going to do what those marketing types do, just repeat the message until it becomes "conventional wisdom". All Churches are rich, filthy rich and corrupt.
But what if they wanted a spiritual bailout? Something to put the faith back amongst the masses. They could start by putting more wine in The Masses! (that's a stinker isn't it? I know). Use Temptation as leverage to bolster the ratings instead of avoiding it all the time.
So, spiritual bailout, here goes;
You are poor because the filthy money lenders (banks) and whores (government) stole your money. But now you don't need money because you can Save Your Soul by following these instructions presented on behalf of, but not in conjunction with, the Roman Catholic Church:
Create a Folder on your desktop called "Catholic Church", open the folder, right-click to open a new document in Word, on the first line type "Soul", on the second line type "Property of " and your name, then click on File and Save, the filename will be "Soul" by default, click Save, you have now saved your soul in Catholic Church. Close the document and take a generous swig of wine and nibble some bread (or crisps etc) and say "this is the blood of Jesus and this is his flesh and I'm a consumer, Ahmen".
Whenever you feel down just open the document and save it again, swig, nibble, say the verse and repeat until the down feeling goes away, it will work eventually but you must have faith.
In this way the Church is modernised with modern technology, personalised, localised, easy to access, splendid, it's what you deserve as modern, independent, free people. Give some money to the Church too, those man-dresses aren't cheap.
Thank you, blessed are the meat.
JJ
Friday, 16 January 2009
Time Deacons
Time Deacons (not to be confused with Time Lords) are like World Leaders but they rule Time (not necessarily travel time) instead of Space. So, you've got the Buddha, God, Jehova, Zeus, Allan and Dave Brock (of Hawkwind):
The scene: Large double living room in Solihull, the Buddha and Alan are surfing the net, God is staring at the log fire, Zeus is on his iPod and Dave Brock is doing the Sunday Times crossword.
Buddha: Check this out, you can get Battle Tanks on Amazon
God: what Battle Tanks? What's that?
Buddha: two remote control tanks, they shoot light beams at each other and spin when it's a hit
Dave Brock: what sort of tanks?
Buddha: eh?
Dave Brock: what sort? T41's, Chieftan's, Panza's
Buddha: it doesn't say, does it matter?
Dave Brock: ok, if you're getting some anyway I'll have a go
Allan: we'll need three sets, because there's six of us
Dave Brock: well you couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo so you'd better get re-chargeable batteries as well while you're at it
Allan: what was that for?
Dave Brock: Just kidding Allan ya mardy arse, lighten up. The motors will eat the batteries up so get rechargeable ones
God: what if Zeus and Jehova don't want to play? Where is Jehova anyway?
Allan: he's out annoying people as usual
Zeus: what? were you talking about me?
Dave Brock: yeh, Allan wants some advice about buying new plates
Zeus: very funny, what is it?
Allan: the Buddha's getting Battle Tanks, are you in?
Zeus: yeh, whatever
(Puts earphones back in)
Jehova enters.
Jehova: fucking bollocks! that dog at number 42 escaped and chased me down the street, I had to run down the alley and jump over the back fence and cut accross the field, bastard thing, I'm going sort that little fucker out one day
Buddha: I don't like the sound of that
Jehova: oh piss off Mr fucking Goody Two Shoes, get a job
Buddha: you call that a job? knocking on peoples doors and boring them into a coma
Jehova: fuck me! I haven't even sat down yet, I've been chased by a dog and I get this shit as soon as I walk in
God: your language isn't helping you know
Allan: yeh
Jehova: oh fuck off Allan, I need a drink
Dave Brock: I need one too the way you lot are carrying on
Jehova: surprised you haven't already got four lined up
(Continuity check. Lemmy was originally in the Dave Brock role hence the drink remark, but he pulled out at the last minute. I managed to get Dave Brock but there wasn't time to re-write the script)
Dave Brock: you want trouble? ok, come on, let's 'ave it
Jehova: ok ok, sorry, I'm a bit stressed, I'll get you a drink
Zeus: I'll have a mineral water
Jehova: oh will you? we'll you'll have to get yer own, I've only got two hands
Dave Brock: there's a point, where's that Hindu fella with eight arms, shouldn't he be here
Zeus: I thought that was a woman
Dave Brock: nah, it's definately a fella
Zeus: crap, that was my best fantasy
Dave Brock: what was? doin' a fella?
Howls of laughter all around
Jehova: aah hah hah, fucking tree hugging iPod playing puffter
Zeus: oh, so I'm a homosexual because I've got an iPod? very mature
Jehova: it's not because you've got a iPod, that's just a "happy" coincidence
Allan: {with air quotes} yeh, "happy" as in "gay"
Zeus: shut up Allan, we get it
Allan: yeh? well maybe you're the one who "get's it" the most eh?
Dave Brock: shut up Allan
Allan: what's the matter? can't keep "up"?
Dave Brock: prat
God: for heaven's sake, are we buying the blessed Battle Tanks or not?
Buddha: oh, I've lost the page now, I don't know what they were called
Jehova: what Battle Tanks?
Buddha: no, that's what Allan calls them, it's something else on Amazon
Jehova: what is?
Allan: Battle Tanks, we were going to get Battle Tanks
Dave Brock: but what are they really called?
Allan: dunno
Jehova: what a bunch of fucking muppets, is this what you've achieved while I've been out?
Dave Brock: I've just finished the crossword, I'm off out now
Allan: where you going? can I come?
Dave Brock: no
Zeus: can I come? I'll keep my mouth shut
Dave Brock: no chance
Jehova: you can both come with me, I'm going out
Zeus and Allan: no thanks
Dave Brock and Jehova leave
Buddha: what about a robot dog? you can teach it tricks
Allan: can't we have a real dog?
God: don't start Allan, no I won't walk backwards and say "foow"
Allan: ha ha ha, it would be funny if you did though, because "dog" backwards is "God"
God: shut up Allan!
The End
JJ
The scene: Large double living room in Solihull, the Buddha and Alan are surfing the net, God is staring at the log fire, Zeus is on his iPod and Dave Brock is doing the Sunday Times crossword.
Buddha: Check this out, you can get Battle Tanks on Amazon
God: what Battle Tanks? What's that?
Buddha: two remote control tanks, they shoot light beams at each other and spin when it's a hit
Dave Brock: what sort of tanks?
Buddha: eh?
Dave Brock: what sort? T41's, Chieftan's, Panza's
Buddha: it doesn't say, does it matter?
Dave Brock: ok, if you're getting some anyway I'll have a go
Allan: we'll need three sets, because there's six of us
Dave Brock: well you couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo so you'd better get re-chargeable batteries as well while you're at it
Allan: what was that for?
Dave Brock: Just kidding Allan ya mardy arse, lighten up. The motors will eat the batteries up so get rechargeable ones
God: what if Zeus and Jehova don't want to play? Where is Jehova anyway?
Allan: he's out annoying people as usual
Zeus: what? were you talking about me?
Dave Brock: yeh, Allan wants some advice about buying new plates
Zeus: very funny, what is it?
Allan: the Buddha's getting Battle Tanks, are you in?
Zeus: yeh, whatever
(Puts earphones back in)
Jehova enters.
Jehova: fucking bollocks! that dog at number 42 escaped and chased me down the street, I had to run down the alley and jump over the back fence and cut accross the field, bastard thing, I'm going sort that little fucker out one day
Buddha: I don't like the sound of that
Jehova: oh piss off Mr fucking Goody Two Shoes, get a job
Buddha: you call that a job? knocking on peoples doors and boring them into a coma
Jehova: fuck me! I haven't even sat down yet, I've been chased by a dog and I get this shit as soon as I walk in
God: your language isn't helping you know
Allan: yeh
Jehova: oh fuck off Allan, I need a drink
Dave Brock: I need one too the way you lot are carrying on
Jehova: surprised you haven't already got four lined up
(Continuity check. Lemmy was originally in the Dave Brock role hence the drink remark, but he pulled out at the last minute. I managed to get Dave Brock but there wasn't time to re-write the script)
Dave Brock: you want trouble? ok, come on, let's 'ave it
Jehova: ok ok, sorry, I'm a bit stressed, I'll get you a drink
Zeus: I'll have a mineral water
Jehova: oh will you? we'll you'll have to get yer own, I've only got two hands
Dave Brock: there's a point, where's that Hindu fella with eight arms, shouldn't he be here
Zeus: I thought that was a woman
Dave Brock: nah, it's definately a fella
Zeus: crap, that was my best fantasy
Dave Brock: what was? doin' a fella?
Howls of laughter all around
Jehova: aah hah hah, fucking tree hugging iPod playing puffter
Zeus: oh, so I'm a homosexual because I've got an iPod? very mature
Jehova: it's not because you've got a iPod, that's just a "happy" coincidence
Allan: {with air quotes} yeh, "happy" as in "gay"
Zeus: shut up Allan, we get it
Allan: yeh? well maybe you're the one who "get's it" the most eh?
Dave Brock: shut up Allan
Allan: what's the matter? can't keep "up"?
Dave Brock: prat
God: for heaven's sake, are we buying the blessed Battle Tanks or not?
Buddha: oh, I've lost the page now, I don't know what they were called
Jehova: what Battle Tanks?
Buddha: no, that's what Allan calls them, it's something else on Amazon
Jehova: what is?
Allan: Battle Tanks, we were going to get Battle Tanks
Dave Brock: but what are they really called?
Allan: dunno
Jehova: what a bunch of fucking muppets, is this what you've achieved while I've been out?
Dave Brock: I've just finished the crossword, I'm off out now
Allan: where you going? can I come?
Dave Brock: no
Zeus: can I come? I'll keep my mouth shut
Dave Brock: no chance
Jehova: you can both come with me, I'm going out
Zeus and Allan: no thanks
Dave Brock and Jehova leave
Buddha: what about a robot dog? you can teach it tricks
Allan: can't we have a real dog?
God: don't start Allan, no I won't walk backwards and say "foow"
Allan: ha ha ha, it would be funny if you did though, because "dog" backwards is "God"
God: shut up Allan!
The End
JJ
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Bruxelloise
I was just in the kitchen thinking "what did I come in here for?" when it suddenly occured to me that I am now, and have been for a while, a Bruxelloise (or is it Bruxelloisee, there might be an accent on one of those "e"s). If you're reading this from Blighty I can tell you you're probably pronouncing it wrong, if you're in Oz or Untied State of Anxiety then I'm sure you are pronounching it wrong. ("ching" was a typo but I kept it. That's how God was invented, the higher being's child really wanted a Dog)
So, what is a Brusseliose when he's at home? Well, I've cleared the snow from in front of our house but left enough to make an ice rink overnight. Most of my tv channels (41 out of 44) are in languages I don't understand, most of my mail is in languages I don't understand. The end of my street has been a roadworks site for 18 months even though I moved house two months ago. I give over more than half of my salary in taxes to support four administrations in three languages and they don't even grit the street when it snows. Now they tell us they're not collecting our glass for recycling any more, we have to take it to the bottle bank, where's our tax reduction for that?
I like wine and cheese, I own a bicycle and I wander about in a daze most of the time so that makes me half French, half Dutch and half Belgian if broad stereotypes are anything to go by. If you didn't know, half of Belgium speaks French and the other half Dutch. There is a small German speaking corner but we don't talk about them.
British people love living in Bruxelles, we can just sit and complain all day long safe in the knowledge that nothing will ever get done. It's true, while the Spanish brought enforced Catholicism, torture, slavery and general nastiness to their conquered nations, the British brought Centralised Administration. But then a properly organised bureaucracy is like a religion in two vital ways - they take all your money and give you diddly back.
Not that the British brought Central Administration to Brussels, they did that by themselves. Or did they? You know this European Union lark? I think it's a huge master-plan of reverse psychology, how else could they make English the de facto language of Europe? I hope that one day before I die I'll be able to buy a Pork Pie in my local supermarket at 2am, or a Scotch Egg at 3am
It's a dream, in as much as a hope can be dream and a twinkle in a glistening dewey eye turns out to be a lump of aspic from lunch.
Next week; the North American Free Trade Area and Hot Dogs. Or, "Bush and Weiners".
The Following week: mumbling apology and shuffling feet
All that talk of food has made me even more hungry, oh yes, that what I went to the kitchen for.
JJ
So, what is a Brusseliose when he's at home? Well, I've cleared the snow from in front of our house but left enough to make an ice rink overnight. Most of my tv channels (41 out of 44) are in languages I don't understand, most of my mail is in languages I don't understand. The end of my street has been a roadworks site for 18 months even though I moved house two months ago. I give over more than half of my salary in taxes to support four administrations in three languages and they don't even grit the street when it snows. Now they tell us they're not collecting our glass for recycling any more, we have to take it to the bottle bank, where's our tax reduction for that?
I like wine and cheese, I own a bicycle and I wander about in a daze most of the time so that makes me half French, half Dutch and half Belgian if broad stereotypes are anything to go by. If you didn't know, half of Belgium speaks French and the other half Dutch. There is a small German speaking corner but we don't talk about them.
British people love living in Bruxelles, we can just sit and complain all day long safe in the knowledge that nothing will ever get done. It's true, while the Spanish brought enforced Catholicism, torture, slavery and general nastiness to their conquered nations, the British brought Centralised Administration. But then a properly organised bureaucracy is like a religion in two vital ways - they take all your money and give you diddly back.
Not that the British brought Central Administration to Brussels, they did that by themselves. Or did they? You know this European Union lark? I think it's a huge master-plan of reverse psychology, how else could they make English the de facto language of Europe? I hope that one day before I die I'll be able to buy a Pork Pie in my local supermarket at 2am, or a Scotch Egg at 3am
It's a dream, in as much as a hope can be dream and a twinkle in a glistening dewey eye turns out to be a lump of aspic from lunch.
Next week; the North American Free Trade Area and Hot Dogs. Or, "Bush and Weiners".
The Following week: mumbling apology and shuffling feet
All that talk of food has made me even more hungry, oh yes, that what I went to the kitchen for.
JJ
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