Do you know what's it's like to drive a car with no brakes and no steering which tailspins into a skid when you try to speed up? I do, it's like driving my car in the snow. That's why cars don't have rear wheel drive anymore - except mine, and BMW's. Don't tell me about traction control, I've got it, it's useless. You can't replace front wheel drive with some fancy pants electronic gadget, that might work for sex but it's not the same. I was having to go really slowly and feel my way through, it would've been quicker to walk.
When Mandela was released from prison, I remember watching him walk out, I was in a bed "getting a hand" from the owner of the bed. When George W fiddled the 2000 election, I was on honeymoon in Florida. Jimi Hendrix died on my fourth birthday and now I'm having drumming lessons from the drummer of Arsenal organised by Anthony Hopkin's cousin.
Yes, I am firmly "on the fringe". But I'll tell you some funny thing that really happened to me at work listen lady. I bought a DVD player from a colleague and he left a porn DVD in it. He actually asked me if it was an original! I told him it was a copy so he didn't want it back. Made me wonder how many he must have, I did throw it away eventually.
It seems to me this "fringe" thing is much bigger than the thing it's supposed to be a fringe of, that's not right is it? It's those fucking celebrities who are on the fringe and it's us normal decent people who are in the main bit. "The Body" The Body of what? The human race I suppose. Why isn't there a human high jump?
I was watching the Antiques Show while writing this and fella started reading from an antique Welsh book. The little woman in the corner who does the sign language was screwed, she didn't understand Welsh and couldn't sign it, so she just watched and smiled, as did I.
Ahhh there is a human high jump, literally, in athletics. But the human race is very complicated, you've got some people winning over short distance and different people over long distance. An then there's the oddballs that go around and jump over that little bar, it's hardly even a jump and then they have a little pool that they alway put one foot in. They don't even try to jump the pool and some of them step on the bar. The steeplechase is silly, it's like saying "here's a race with a couple of obstacles but if you can't manage the obstacles it doesn't matter just step on them". Why don't they let everyone finish and then put the names in a hat and pull out the medal winners, they could get dressed before the results are announced. Imagine the guy jumping up and down in an Armani suit shouting "I won, I won!!", or the woman crying through the national anthem while the commentator adds "I was almost in tears myself when I saw that hat, it's a fine hat but not with that handbags shoes love, sort your self out for pete's sake". Sounds like golf commentary.
They should do that for all athletics then there would be no point in using drugs. In fact there would be no point competing at all. We should make the Olympics into a facebook game, the more friends you invite, the more medals you win. Obviously the Chinese would win everything so no change there but the Indians would win a lot more. It must be pretty mystifying for India to only get one medal from 1.1 billion people. Maybe distributing illegal copies of cd's and software should be an Olympic event, or Cricket. I'm not sure I would want Cricket to be in the Olypmics, that would devalue it. Devalue cricket I mean, they might tamper with their balls every now and then but at least they're not all stoned. Yes, pirate music and software fits more with the modern Olympic ideals than Cricket.
They should make drug dealing an Olympic event, because we all know that the top drug dealers don't use drugs themselves, they're too smart for that. That could be the only way to get at least one clean event. You could get the dealers to smuggle the torch to the next venue, that could be an event too. While were at it why don't we decriminalise crime altogether? So, Armed Robbery would get you a Gold Medal but parking on a disabled spot only gets a Bronze. This would bring the crime figures down and ease the load on overcrowded prisons.
Britain would get all the medals for car crime, they have the most cars stolen every year. At the same time, British cars also have the best security in the world, that makes no sense at all but it's true. The British are very determined to steal each others cars and they're very good at it, the best in the world. Of course, having decriminalised crime we'd have to find something for the police to do, we could put four of them in a band but that still leaves thousands more.
We could get them to do Sports Days for our amusement. Like we used to do at school; Egg and Spoon Race, Three Legged Race, Sack Race and the one where one carries another one piggy-back and they try to knock each other off. I would pay to watch that. It would liven up the community too, better than all that standing around flexing the knees and "evenin' all", "now then, what to we have 'ere?", "half past six, are you a burglar?", "put your clothes on love, you're nicked". That last one was from The Sweeney.
There's a blast from the archives, but that's all from me, sorry shorty.
JJ
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Monday, 24 November 2008
The Dragon's Toilet
I don't like those dry Dragon's Den people on BBC2, I don't like them one bit. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't invest in my ideas either, they're not my kind of people. So I'm going to put my business ideas here:
Alchoholic Counsellors. Things getting you down? Can't sleep, can't handle your crappy relationship. Fuck therapy, meet one of our guys, get smashed and forget everything. I started this business a long time ago but everytime there were problems I put myself in Alchoholic Counselling and so I got nothing done for fifteen years.
Cannabis Counsellors. It like Alchoholic Counsellors but for the unemployed / unemployable or anyone else who doesn't really have to get of bed.
Gambling Insurance. Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a policy to cover your gambling debts? Well you can but it will first require an act of parliament to make Gambling Insurance mandatory for everyone who has access to gambling facilities (that's everyone), then it just turns into a huge money carousel with the Insurance company skimming a few percent and getting filthy rich. Just like motor insurance, or any form of banking.
Transplant Carousel. This requires two closely related people, twins are best and a "house" doctor. You can take out and sell three kidneys between the two people and pocket pure profit, the people would then take turns "having the remaining kidney". One stays on a dialysis machine for a few weeks while the other one lives it up with his share of the cash, then they swap. You can do this with many organs, eyes, hands etc. Obviously the doctor is working in the health service so you get all the equipment you need but you'll have to pay him off. Eventually it'll be like buying timeshare's in bodies, you could sell all of your own parts except your brain and keep moving from body to body. You could be the woman next door one month and then you could be her lesbian lover the following month. Obviously once this takes off the holiday business will take a nose dive so you'll want to sell those Jihad Group Adventures shares.
Surrogate Tarot. It's a deck of tarot cards that doesn't tell your future, it tells you someone else's future. What use is that? Make a list of the women (or men) you would like to have a go at if they were available, and Surrogate Tarot will tell you if and when they will become available. You get first dibs on all the action. If you get bored of that you can play tricks on your neighbours like ring their front doorbell when they're in the shower.
Endless Water Supply. Instead of buying bottles of water every week and lugging it into your house, USE THE TAP IN THE KITCHEN! Isn't that what we were all brought up on? What happened, did they start putting arsenic in the tap water? Ok this is not really a business idea, it's just something I think about. Especially when it's raining. Rain makes me go to the toilet more and I'm scared of eating fish because there might be a bone it and I'll choke to death. When I do eat fish it's the same rush as some people get from bungee jumping or jumping off a skyscraper with a parachute. When I'm eating it I get really scared and want to stop but at the end I always say "let's do it again!", that's also how I equate sex to eating cheap fillet.
Here's a couple of quick ones that need development yet. The Norman Bates Shower Curtain with patented easy-clean system. And the Deep Dry Cleaning Home Kit "for when those things just have to pass a forensic test and quickly", eliminates DNA traces.
That's all there is for now, the important lesson to learn about running your own business is you should try to get millions of people depending on you, so if you screw up the government will bale you out. A government bale out is one of the best networking opportunities you'll get and networking is a great way to avoid actual work.
In the meantime I've told my loving employer I'm going to reduce my output to match my salary, he thought I was joking.
JJ
Alchoholic Counsellors. Things getting you down? Can't sleep, can't handle your crappy relationship. Fuck therapy, meet one of our guys, get smashed and forget everything. I started this business a long time ago but everytime there were problems I put myself in Alchoholic Counselling and so I got nothing done for fifteen years.
Cannabis Counsellors. It like Alchoholic Counsellors but for the unemployed / unemployable or anyone else who doesn't really have to get of bed.
Gambling Insurance. Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a policy to cover your gambling debts? Well you can but it will first require an act of parliament to make Gambling Insurance mandatory for everyone who has access to gambling facilities (that's everyone), then it just turns into a huge money carousel with the Insurance company skimming a few percent and getting filthy rich. Just like motor insurance, or any form of banking.
Transplant Carousel. This requires two closely related people, twins are best and a "house" doctor. You can take out and sell three kidneys between the two people and pocket pure profit, the people would then take turns "having the remaining kidney". One stays on a dialysis machine for a few weeks while the other one lives it up with his share of the cash, then they swap. You can do this with many organs, eyes, hands etc. Obviously the doctor is working in the health service so you get all the equipment you need but you'll have to pay him off. Eventually it'll be like buying timeshare's in bodies, you could sell all of your own parts except your brain and keep moving from body to body. You could be the woman next door one month and then you could be her lesbian lover the following month. Obviously once this takes off the holiday business will take a nose dive so you'll want to sell those Jihad Group Adventures shares.
Surrogate Tarot. It's a deck of tarot cards that doesn't tell your future, it tells you someone else's future. What use is that? Make a list of the women (or men) you would like to have a go at if they were available, and Surrogate Tarot will tell you if and when they will become available. You get first dibs on all the action. If you get bored of that you can play tricks on your neighbours like ring their front doorbell when they're in the shower.
Endless Water Supply. Instead of buying bottles of water every week and lugging it into your house, USE THE TAP IN THE KITCHEN! Isn't that what we were all brought up on? What happened, did they start putting arsenic in the tap water? Ok this is not really a business idea, it's just something I think about. Especially when it's raining. Rain makes me go to the toilet more and I'm scared of eating fish because there might be a bone it and I'll choke to death. When I do eat fish it's the same rush as some people get from bungee jumping or jumping off a skyscraper with a parachute. When I'm eating it I get really scared and want to stop but at the end I always say "let's do it again!", that's also how I equate sex to eating cheap fillet.
Here's a couple of quick ones that need development yet. The Norman Bates Shower Curtain with patented easy-clean system. And the Deep Dry Cleaning Home Kit "for when those things just have to pass a forensic test and quickly", eliminates DNA traces.
That's all there is for now, the important lesson to learn about running your own business is you should try to get millions of people depending on you, so if you screw up the government will bale you out. A government bale out is one of the best networking opportunities you'll get and networking is a great way to avoid actual work.
In the meantime I've told my loving employer I'm going to reduce my output to match my salary, he thought I was joking.
JJ
Friday, 21 November 2008
Harold
Jesus came to visit me yesterday. Actually he didn't want to see me, he just wanted to see my appartment. The thing of it is I'm moving, I'm going to live in a big house with a woman.
Anyway, Jesus seemed like a happy chap, laughing and joking, he brought his girlfriend, Elisabeth. She seemed nice too. They were both very laughing and jokey types, a bit annoying actually. I can see why they nailed him to a cross last time, annoying fucker, no one can be that happy all the time, it just gets on your tits. He thought the flat would be rented out furnished, I was flattered but I had to disappoint him. Elisabeth asked if he could buy some of the furniture, I was even more flattered, it's not often women offer me money for furniture.
That was all true, a fella called Jesus really did come around and his girlfriend is called Elisabeth, but now I'm going to make some stuff up for entertainment purposes.
So I said to Jesus "Is your middle name really Harold? Doesn't seem very Jewish", he said "No it's not and anyway what kind of a dumbass name is Joliet Jake?" I said "It's from the Blues Brothers you muppet, as in Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues"
JC: Muppet? You can't call me a muppet, I am impotent
JJ: I think you mean omnipotent
JC: I don't like you
JJ: What are you going to do? Tell your dad?
JC: What if I do? You won't be laughing then
JJ: Is it true you were shagging Mary Magdelene the hooker
JC: She was not a hooker! She was a decent girl and she was my disciple
Elisabeth: You were with a hooker?!
JC: She was not a hooker! don't listen to him
JJ: So what Harold, you shagged a hooker, admit it, be a man, "confess"
JC: I didn't shag a hooker! I mean she wasn't a hooker and stop calling me Harold
JJ: I'll stop calling you Harold if you admit Mary was a prozzie and you porked her
JC: You are one annoying motherf*cker has anyone told you that?!
JJ: One or two people have mentioned it Harold
JC: Stop it! :(
JJ: Did you shag her?
JC: Ok, Ok, she was a hooker and I shagged her and she had my baby and James was my twin brother and I am the legitimate King of Isreal descended from David and not the son of a poor carpenter, ok? Happy now
JJ: Yeeeeh I thought as much
Elisabeth: What? You slept with a hooker?
JC: For f*ck's sake woman, didn't you hear what I just said? I'm the legitimate King of Isreal!
Elisabeth: I can't believe you were unfaithful to me
JC: That was two thousand years ago you cloth eared bint!
JJ: Oh, I know that line it's from Fawlty Towers
JC: Yeh, I love that but they're not showing them anymore
JJ: I've got the whole set on DVD, you can watch some if you want
JC: Really? don't you mind?
JJ: No, I had nothing planned and I haven't seen them for ages, I'll put the kettle on
JC: Excellent, have you got any biscuits?
JJ: I've only got Jacob's Cream Crackers :)
JC: Oh very bleedin' funny
Elisabeth: I don't believe this, I find out you've been shagging a tart and now you're just going to watch telly? :/
JJ: Get over it love, you're just making a fool of yourself now
Elisabeth: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? :/
JC: Sorry Bet, you know how I like Fawlty Towers I'm stuck between two stools here
Elisabeth: It's a rock and a hard place, you really are a muppet Harold, I'm going home
JJ: I'll walk you out. If you decide to 'knock it on the head' with JC, pop round, you know where I live now ;)
Elisabeth: You are a scoundrel JJ. When are you moving?
JJ: two weeks
Elisabeth: How about wednesday then?
JJ: Nah, that's badminton night :(
Elisabeth: Thursday?
JJ: I'm starting my drumming lessons on Thursday
Elisabeth: Friday then? is Friday ok? :|
JJ: Yeh alright, see you then :x
Elisabeth: :x
I went back inside and sat down
JC: aren't you forgetting something?
JJ: what?
JC: tea? biscuits?
JJ: Oh, yeh
couple of minutes later
JJ: that's better, we can watch a couple of episodes now
JC: you were hitting on my girlfriend isn't it? :|
JJ: yeh, do you mind? :}
JC: I do actually but I think she'll dump me anyway after you spilled the Mary thing
JJ: Sorry about that, I was just curious after all that Holy Blood and Holy Grail stuff
JC: it's ok, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)
JJ: :D good one, fishing is a biblical thing right?
JC: yeeh, fishing, baking, carpentry, wine-making it's all in there
JJ: how did you feed those five thousand people with five loaves and fish?
JC: easy, you just have to slice it very thin
JJ: so it was just a cheap trick?
JC: well that's a bit harsh, in those days we pulled a lot of stunts, it was what people wanted
JJ: walking on water?
JC: walking on turtles, they were on marijuana to stop them moving too much
JJ: raising the dead?
JC: Lazarus? he wasn't dead, he was a paid actor
JJ: that's pretty mercenary
JC: what was I supposed to do? Pony card tricks might work for Paul Daniels but no one believes he is the son of God do they?
JJ: what about the second coming then? Armageddon and all that? :?
JC: Yeeh, that's what I'm supposed to be doing now but I just haven't got round to it yet, moving house is a stressful do
JJ: when are you going to do it then?
JC: dunno yet, I might not do it, it's hard work organising an Armageddon. Earth is different now, when we said all that stuff in Revelations there were only half a million people on the planet, there are over six billion now, there's too many
JJ: there are too many
JC: what? :o
JJ: it's not "there's too many people" it's "there are too many people"
JC: what-evver! :/
JJ: so what are you going to do then if you don't have Armageddon :|
JC: I've applied for a job in the European Commission
JJ: which DG?
JC: well, fish obviously
JJ: again with the fish? don't you fancy a change?
JC: what else can I do? Transport? Admin?
JJ: why not Admin? anyone can do that
JC: I'll think about it
JJ: Don't you want to go back to Isreal?
JC: Naaah, been there done that
JJ: what about your people? they're waiting for you
JC: they don't need me, they've got Tony Blair now, :D
JJ: yeeh good one, Tony Blair. Have you heard the Jackson Five are getting back together?
JC: Yeeh, what a joke, it was cute when Michael was five years old, they'll just look like a bunch of old freaks now :|
JJ: not a fan then?
JC: nah, Motown isn't really my scene, I'm into Elvis and Sinatra
JJ: How are they?
JC: they're good, they just did a record together, Sinatra plays the Djembe now as well :)
JJ: Jesus, everyone's playing Djembe now. Don't tell me he learned it on holiday in Africa
JC: well, we don't have African holidays in heaven but yes, something like that. Errmm, would you mind not taking my name in vain like that
JJ: Oh sorry, force of habit
JC: You are forgiven
JJ: Jesus you're serious about that shit :\
JC: don't push it :/
JJ: sorry again, I am a heathen after all, or is gentile?
JC: I thinks it's the same, but I don't have to forgive you know, I can still smite you :/
JJ: I don't even know what that means
JC: nor do I actually, but I'm pretty sure dad knows, old people love all that
JJ: I don't talk to my dad since he and mom broke up
JC: I know
JJ: smartarse, you don't know everything :/
JC: test me
JJ: What was on the flipside of the first Lawnmower Death album?
JC: Metal Duck
JJ: oh piss off wiseguy!
JC: I think I will anyway, thanks for the tea and the Fawlty Towers. I should get over to Bet's place and see if she's ok
JJ: say hi from me ;/
JC: you really want to incur some wrath don't you?
JJ: bring it on big boy
JC: Oh shut up, I'm going
JJ: see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
JC: goodbye. (silly twat)
JJ: I heard that! :/
Hmmmm.... I could've asked him the lottery numbers, bugger it! :/
JJ
Anyway, Jesus seemed like a happy chap, laughing and joking, he brought his girlfriend, Elisabeth. She seemed nice too. They were both very laughing and jokey types, a bit annoying actually. I can see why they nailed him to a cross last time, annoying fucker, no one can be that happy all the time, it just gets on your tits. He thought the flat would be rented out furnished, I was flattered but I had to disappoint him. Elisabeth asked if he could buy some of the furniture, I was even more flattered, it's not often women offer me money for furniture.
That was all true, a fella called Jesus really did come around and his girlfriend is called Elisabeth, but now I'm going to make some stuff up for entertainment purposes.
So I said to Jesus "Is your middle name really Harold? Doesn't seem very Jewish", he said "No it's not and anyway what kind of a dumbass name is Joliet Jake?" I said "It's from the Blues Brothers you muppet, as in Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues"
JC: Muppet? You can't call me a muppet, I am impotent
JJ: I think you mean omnipotent
JC: I don't like you
JJ: What are you going to do? Tell your dad?
JC: What if I do? You won't be laughing then
JJ: Is it true you were shagging Mary Magdelene the hooker
JC: She was not a hooker! She was a decent girl and she was my disciple
Elisabeth: You were with a hooker?!
JC: She was not a hooker! don't listen to him
JJ: So what Harold, you shagged a hooker, admit it, be a man, "confess"
JC: I didn't shag a hooker! I mean she wasn't a hooker and stop calling me Harold
JJ: I'll stop calling you Harold if you admit Mary was a prozzie and you porked her
JC: You are one annoying motherf*cker has anyone told you that?!
JJ: One or two people have mentioned it Harold
JC: Stop it! :(
JJ: Did you shag her?
JC: Ok, Ok, she was a hooker and I shagged her and she had my baby and James was my twin brother and I am the legitimate King of Isreal descended from David and not the son of a poor carpenter, ok? Happy now
JJ: Yeeeeh I thought as much
Elisabeth: What? You slept with a hooker?
JC: For f*ck's sake woman, didn't you hear what I just said? I'm the legitimate King of Isreal!
Elisabeth: I can't believe you were unfaithful to me
JC: That was two thousand years ago you cloth eared bint!
JJ: Oh, I know that line it's from Fawlty Towers
JC: Yeh, I love that but they're not showing them anymore
JJ: I've got the whole set on DVD, you can watch some if you want
JC: Really? don't you mind?
JJ: No, I had nothing planned and I haven't seen them for ages, I'll put the kettle on
JC: Excellent, have you got any biscuits?
JJ: I've only got Jacob's Cream Crackers :)
JC: Oh very bleedin' funny
Elisabeth: I don't believe this, I find out you've been shagging a tart and now you're just going to watch telly? :/
JJ: Get over it love, you're just making a fool of yourself now
Elisabeth: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? :/
JC: Sorry Bet, you know how I like Fawlty Towers I'm stuck between two stools here
Elisabeth: It's a rock and a hard place, you really are a muppet Harold, I'm going home
JJ: I'll walk you out. If you decide to 'knock it on the head' with JC, pop round, you know where I live now ;)
Elisabeth: You are a scoundrel JJ. When are you moving?
JJ: two weeks
Elisabeth: How about wednesday then?
JJ: Nah, that's badminton night :(
Elisabeth: Thursday?
JJ: I'm starting my drumming lessons on Thursday
Elisabeth: Friday then? is Friday ok? :|
JJ: Yeh alright, see you then :x
Elisabeth: :x
I went back inside and sat down
JC: aren't you forgetting something?
JJ: what?
JC: tea? biscuits?
JJ: Oh, yeh
couple of minutes later
JJ: that's better, we can watch a couple of episodes now
JC: you were hitting on my girlfriend isn't it? :|
JJ: yeh, do you mind? :}
JC: I do actually but I think she'll dump me anyway after you spilled the Mary thing
JJ: Sorry about that, I was just curious after all that Holy Blood and Holy Grail stuff
JC: it's ok, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)
JJ: :D good one, fishing is a biblical thing right?
JC: yeeh, fishing, baking, carpentry, wine-making it's all in there
JJ: how did you feed those five thousand people with five loaves and fish?
JC: easy, you just have to slice it very thin
JJ: so it was just a cheap trick?
JC: well that's a bit harsh, in those days we pulled a lot of stunts, it was what people wanted
JJ: walking on water?
JC: walking on turtles, they were on marijuana to stop them moving too much
JJ: raising the dead?
JC: Lazarus? he wasn't dead, he was a paid actor
JJ: that's pretty mercenary
JC: what was I supposed to do? Pony card tricks might work for Paul Daniels but no one believes he is the son of God do they?
JJ: what about the second coming then? Armageddon and all that? :?
JC: Yeeh, that's what I'm supposed to be doing now but I just haven't got round to it yet, moving house is a stressful do
JJ: when are you going to do it then?
JC: dunno yet, I might not do it, it's hard work organising an Armageddon. Earth is different now, when we said all that stuff in Revelations there were only half a million people on the planet, there are over six billion now, there's too many
JJ: there are too many
JC: what? :o
JJ: it's not "there's too many people" it's "there are too many people"
JC: what-evver! :/
JJ: so what are you going to do then if you don't have Armageddon :|
JC: I've applied for a job in the European Commission
JJ: which DG?
JC: well, fish obviously
JJ: again with the fish? don't you fancy a change?
JC: what else can I do? Transport? Admin?
JJ: why not Admin? anyone can do that
JC: I'll think about it
JJ: Don't you want to go back to Isreal?
JC: Naaah, been there done that
JJ: what about your people? they're waiting for you
JC: they don't need me, they've got Tony Blair now, :D
JJ: yeeh good one, Tony Blair. Have you heard the Jackson Five are getting back together?
JC: Yeeh, what a joke, it was cute when Michael was five years old, they'll just look like a bunch of old freaks now :|
JJ: not a fan then?
JC: nah, Motown isn't really my scene, I'm into Elvis and Sinatra
JJ: How are they?
JC: they're good, they just did a record together, Sinatra plays the Djembe now as well :)
JJ: Jesus, everyone's playing Djembe now. Don't tell me he learned it on holiday in Africa
JC: well, we don't have African holidays in heaven but yes, something like that. Errmm, would you mind not taking my name in vain like that
JJ: Oh sorry, force of habit
JC: You are forgiven
JJ: Jesus you're serious about that shit :\
JC: don't push it :/
JJ: sorry again, I am a heathen after all, or is gentile?
JC: I thinks it's the same, but I don't have to forgive you know, I can still smite you :/
JJ: I don't even know what that means
JC: nor do I actually, but I'm pretty sure dad knows, old people love all that
JJ: I don't talk to my dad since he and mom broke up
JC: I know
JJ: smartarse, you don't know everything :/
JC: test me
JJ: What was on the flipside of the first Lawnmower Death album?
JC: Metal Duck
JJ: oh piss off wiseguy!
JC: I think I will anyway, thanks for the tea and the Fawlty Towers. I should get over to Bet's place and see if she's ok
JJ: say hi from me ;/
JC: you really want to incur some wrath don't you?
JJ: bring it on big boy
JC: Oh shut up, I'm going
JJ: see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
JC: goodbye. (silly twat)
JJ: I heard that! :/
Hmmmm.... I could've asked him the lottery numbers, bugger it! :/
JJ
Monday, 17 November 2008
Syndromaphobia
Now that we've discovered some people are no longer able to differentiate thirst from hunger we can say we havea major new syndrome / disorder in the works. This one will excuse fat people from being fat. It's only fair because lazy people can claim SAD in winter (like me, I claim it all year round because I live in Belgium) and people who are just uninterested, disruptive and annoying have all manner of hyper-activity disorders to claim.
We'll call it Thirst Incapacity Topsyturviness, like all good psychobabble the name doesn't actually mean anything – it's a double negative. In the old days "topsyturviness" was a proper medical term, even before "medicine" was a medical term.
Only things with catchy headline-able names are getting anywhere today, like SAD and Credit Crunch. I really object to the term Credit Crunch, that makes it sound like an outside factor, like an earthquake or hurricane. What we should call it is "the banks and governments ripped us off again, bastards".
What I also really object to is the objectifying nature of disorders and syndromes. I've had Trauma Therapy and I'm convinced I'd still be doing it if I just kept turning up every week, but I didn't. I decided the therapist had done a good job and it was time to get on with my life, otherwise I would have become addicted to therapy. You can actually get treatment for being addicted to therapy, obviously.
But the problem now is I have an aversion to syndromes, disorders and phobias. I've turned into one of those people that tells manic depressives to "pull yourself together" or pushes claustrophics into elevators "face your fear, defeat it once and for all".
I'm a Syndrome-ist, or Anti-Disorder-er, I don't what I am but I'm pretty sure I've got Syndromaphobia. I'm completely snookered, it's the nature of the illness that I can't seek help or admit to having it. I deny the existance of all Syndromes, Disorders and Phobias, incluing this one. I shouldn't even be writing this, especially if there's a risk a hypochondriac my read it, then he'd get it and he wouldn't be able to get treatment either. We can't even form a self help group.
Once this get's out it's going to be worse than the obesity epidemic. I narrowly avoied that one.
Jeeese Louise have you seen what's on tv....they're not shy are they?
JJ
We'll call it Thirst Incapacity Topsyturviness, like all good psychobabble the name doesn't actually mean anything – it's a double negative. In the old days "topsyturviness" was a proper medical term, even before "medicine" was a medical term.
Only things with catchy headline-able names are getting anywhere today, like SAD and Credit Crunch. I really object to the term Credit Crunch, that makes it sound like an outside factor, like an earthquake or hurricane. What we should call it is "the banks and governments ripped us off again, bastards".
What I also really object to is the objectifying nature of disorders and syndromes. I've had Trauma Therapy and I'm convinced I'd still be doing it if I just kept turning up every week, but I didn't. I decided the therapist had done a good job and it was time to get on with my life, otherwise I would have become addicted to therapy. You can actually get treatment for being addicted to therapy, obviously.
But the problem now is I have an aversion to syndromes, disorders and phobias. I've turned into one of those people that tells manic depressives to "pull yourself together" or pushes claustrophics into elevators "face your fear, defeat it once and for all".
I'm a Syndrome-ist, or Anti-Disorder-er, I don't what I am but I'm pretty sure I've got Syndromaphobia. I'm completely snookered, it's the nature of the illness that I can't seek help or admit to having it. I deny the existance of all Syndromes, Disorders and Phobias, incluing this one. I shouldn't even be writing this, especially if there's a risk a hypochondriac my read it, then he'd get it and he wouldn't be able to get treatment either. We can't even form a self help group.
Once this get's out it's going to be worse than the obesity epidemic. I narrowly avoied that one.
Jeeese Louise have you seen what's on tv....they're not shy are they?
JJ
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Streeps Ahead
Gwyneth Paltrow is the new Meryl Streep. Well, she will be in about 15 years. I saw Meryl in Mamma Mia, the movie of the musical, it's an entertaining movie, probably one that will re-appear on public holidays and I'll watch it again because "there's nothing else on", it was that good.
But the great thing was seeing actors like Meryl and Julie Walters putting in these really good performances and proving that you don't have to be a thirty-something-boob-job to make non-porn movies as a woman. We already knew that about Meryl, but looking around at the "next crop" I'd say Gwyneth is going the right way about it, she's smart. But then, when the opposition is Jennifer Anniston - you don't need to be brain surgeon. I'd defy anyone to dispute that the ex-cast of Friends have really taken down the batting averages for movie quality.
I'm sure I've seen four or five movies with ex-Friends but I can't remember any of them except the one with Harrison Ford (and Jennifer), because Harrison was in it. Actually, has "Joey" made any films? I know he made a really shit spin-off sit-com.
My life is a bit like a sitcom, this morning I went to the dog track and bet a pony on a muppet, I was telling Shuey about it when he told me Bownsey has a half share in wippet, which is what I should have been betting on, so I asked him who has the other half and he said "Chandler from Friends". then we did a whole bit about the person owning the front half collecting all of the winnings but the other guy owns the dogs bollocks.
Then I quit my job as a ploy to get a raise but my boss accepted my resignation so I ended up begging for my job back at a reduced salary but when he stood up it turned out he was wearing stockings and suspenders so he was sent to the nuthouse and I got a promotion to his job plus the regional manager who gave me the promotion insisted that I have sex with her.
Then I had lunch with the "Fan Man", turns out he got a job installing air conditioning. After that stunt at the super bowl he was inundated with offers from fan related businesses, the funny thing is he knows nothing about fans, his friend Colin Dooley hooked him up with the "Fan Man" fan and now Colin has put a contract out on Fan Man because he thinks he should've had that job.
Obviously I had to say I haven't seen Colin in years, which is true, I haven't seen him since we were hanging around with those Japanese exchange students in Sheffield. That was the summer of '91, wild times.
After lunch I was on my way to the office when I bumped into that guy from the movie with all the aliens that jump up and down and go "yak yak, yak yak yak, yak yak". I said "hey you're the guy from that movie" he said "hey you're the guy from the street". Funny guy, wish I could remember his fucking name. Then I remembered "you're Chandler from Friends", turns out he wasn't in the alien movie at all and he wasn't very funny either, he was quite angry that people see him as an buffoon. Well, he's not helping the situation.
After that encounter I was on a bit of a downer so I went home but I ended up at my old flat which I had moved out of the week before but there was a really hot chick living there who insisted I have sex with her and it slipped out that she was my boss's daughter so I withdrew politely and ran. Then I panicked and told the regional boss I was quitting and she gave me a raise, and a blow job.
x-rated comedy, that's where it's at kids.
JJ
But the great thing was seeing actors like Meryl and Julie Walters putting in these really good performances and proving that you don't have to be a thirty-something-boob-job to make non-porn movies as a woman. We already knew that about Meryl, but looking around at the "next crop" I'd say Gwyneth is going the right way about it, she's smart. But then, when the opposition is Jennifer Anniston - you don't need to be brain surgeon. I'd defy anyone to dispute that the ex-cast of Friends have really taken down the batting averages for movie quality.
I'm sure I've seen four or five movies with ex-Friends but I can't remember any of them except the one with Harrison Ford (and Jennifer), because Harrison was in it. Actually, has "Joey" made any films? I know he made a really shit spin-off sit-com.
My life is a bit like a sitcom, this morning I went to the dog track and bet a pony on a muppet, I was telling Shuey about it when he told me Bownsey has a half share in wippet, which is what I should have been betting on, so I asked him who has the other half and he said "Chandler from Friends". then we did a whole bit about the person owning the front half collecting all of the winnings but the other guy owns the dogs bollocks.
Then I quit my job as a ploy to get a raise but my boss accepted my resignation so I ended up begging for my job back at a reduced salary but when he stood up it turned out he was wearing stockings and suspenders so he was sent to the nuthouse and I got a promotion to his job plus the regional manager who gave me the promotion insisted that I have sex with her.
Then I had lunch with the "Fan Man", turns out he got a job installing air conditioning. After that stunt at the super bowl he was inundated with offers from fan related businesses, the funny thing is he knows nothing about fans, his friend Colin Dooley hooked him up with the "Fan Man" fan and now Colin has put a contract out on Fan Man because he thinks he should've had that job.
Obviously I had to say I haven't seen Colin in years, which is true, I haven't seen him since we were hanging around with those Japanese exchange students in Sheffield. That was the summer of '91, wild times.
After lunch I was on my way to the office when I bumped into that guy from the movie with all the aliens that jump up and down and go "yak yak, yak yak yak, yak yak". I said "hey you're the guy from that movie" he said "hey you're the guy from the street". Funny guy, wish I could remember his fucking name. Then I remembered "you're Chandler from Friends", turns out he wasn't in the alien movie at all and he wasn't very funny either, he was quite angry that people see him as an buffoon. Well, he's not helping the situation.
After that encounter I was on a bit of a downer so I went home but I ended up at my old flat which I had moved out of the week before but there was a really hot chick living there who insisted I have sex with her and it slipped out that she was my boss's daughter so I withdrew politely and ran. Then I panicked and told the regional boss I was quitting and she gave me a raise, and a blow job.
x-rated comedy, that's where it's at kids.
JJ
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